tonight as i became anxious about fasting, i wondered at who ive become. ::im not fasting btw. i asked God to give me sort of a game plan. im too worried about starving this little frame::
i didnt used to be a worrier. i was a truster. i was a believer. i was a hoper.
2 things.
i need to build up to them; it feels weird to just blurt it out.
so, i was at work, and one of the drs is big on visualization. i dont think shes weird; i really believe theres something to that- calling things that arent, as though they are. God does that with us.
it hit my heart like lightening- im not believing that God is going to give me my husband. i go through these periods of time....recently its been really long. and being married seems to slip further and further away. today i changed my mind. i am married,. i just dont know yet to whom. i prayed specifically for him today, with love. hadnt done that in a while.
second thing is this. my trust of people was blown out of the water before i moved to san antonio. theres a link there to trusting God as well.
God gives a great friend; one who understands me. i dont feel so oddball anymore.
she consistently sets me up and pulls the rug out from under me.
i keep believing that theres more to her. reality to her. i see enough of it to keep going. keep fighting.
i keep getting hurt, and making the decision to hurt myself.
takeaway= God will give you something GREAT and it will destroy you. it wont really be great.
so i walked away from that thinking i have to not just rest and sit back and receive from God, but that i need to be watching and trying to find the people and things that are safe.
30 October 2012
Guatemala Update
Hello all!
thank you for taking the time to read this.
my preparation for the dental mission trip has been alot of prayer and handing things over to God in prayer when i start getting anxious. ive never been so anxious before, not that i can remember. i keep hearing random things about guatemala.
pray for my mind to be focused on the people i am going for, and the people i am going with.
please ask with me- for selflessness. i tend to want to make things all about me, and how is this going to impact me?
pray for unity of the team, and obviously good communication. mostly coming from me. i tend to not communicate well.[ not for lack of trying.]
please ask that we would be able to go in full health. i have allergies, and theres no infection, thank God. but it really would be annoying to have to blow my nose while trying to do these other things.
Gods teaching me rest this year, more than other years, and i am having a difficult time currently trying to balance doing what needs to be done for the trip, and taking calming breaks. also, i have a tendency to want to have all my EVERYTHING situated here before i go away on any trip. even when it doesnt need to be touched yet.
God mentioned fasting to me, as lined out in isaiah 58, and i have no idea what to do with that information. im scared to fast; i feel like its not safe for me to skip food. but hes telling me something here. so, that if im fasting, i would do it with wisdom and peace. and if it is for another reason, that i would hear that clearly. but i think hes telling me to fast.
thank you so much for your prayers
thank you for taking the time to read this.
my preparation for the dental mission trip has been alot of prayer and handing things over to God in prayer when i start getting anxious. ive never been so anxious before, not that i can remember. i keep hearing random things about guatemala.
pray for my mind to be focused on the people i am going for, and the people i am going with.
please ask with me- for selflessness. i tend to want to make things all about me, and how is this going to impact me?
pray for unity of the team, and obviously good communication. mostly coming from me. i tend to not communicate well.[ not for lack of trying.]
please ask that we would be able to go in full health. i have allergies, and theres no infection, thank God. but it really would be annoying to have to blow my nose while trying to do these other things.
Gods teaching me rest this year, more than other years, and i am having a difficult time currently trying to balance doing what needs to be done for the trip, and taking calming breaks. also, i have a tendency to want to have all my EVERYTHING situated here before i go away on any trip. even when it doesnt need to be touched yet.
God mentioned fasting to me, as lined out in isaiah 58, and i have no idea what to do with that information. im scared to fast; i feel like its not safe for me to skip food. but hes telling me something here. so, that if im fasting, i would do it with wisdom and peace. and if it is for another reason, that i would hear that clearly. but i think hes telling me to fast.
thank you so much for your prayers
26 October 2012
trying
the last post was meant to help me relax. it didnt. i thought by maybe getting things out of my head, that i would find some rest. rest is only found in God for me. and that even furtively. im trying to understand how this peace that passes understanding works. im trying to hear God. the more i try, the harder it gets. and then im riddled with self- doubt, wondering if ive made the right decision.
some errands needed to get done. i wanted to print some stuff out, support letters and pics of me to send to the kids i support, mostly. voting.ironing.
i made the choice to stay home from the childrens shelter today. i have cried significantly since then, wondering if that was me being selfish.
i went to volvo this morning, got a check up out of the way. volvo always takes so long. i get there at 7 30 and almost always never leave until lunchtime. i think once i left at 10 30, and was shocked.its never under 200$ either. i have hydraulic fluid slowly leaking, and its just going to have to wait, because it ends up i had to give the church 300$ more for the trip than what i was originally told. i guess the support raising hasnt been going so well.
it was torrential as i was leaving, and cold now. my dress wasnt cutting it. anywho. i go to office depot to see if they can print off the things aforementioned. [ didnt have to print out the coupon for volvo anymore...] well, i either have to put it on a flash drive or email it to them. and great time to find out, my comp battery doesnt hold charge from 7 30 til 12.
go vote. yay. one thing done fairly easily.
its at the library, so i think, sweet! i'll print here. card expired 3 yrs ago, and i have a balance of 22 $ WHAT
she prints off the list of books that are all childrens books. ok, i like books, but seriously. i wouldnt have checked them out.
aside from my doppelganger, there is a lady in town with my same name. i knew this. i also knew she seems to frequent alot of places i do. SHE HAS THE SAME MIDDLE NAME, AND IS A YEAR OLDER THAN ME. in that moment in the library, i thoguht, thats it. i need to move to a different city, or marry someone. this is frustrating.
got my new card, finally got on the comp there. i felt so stupid, not knowing the way things worked. fixed my support letter- it is good now- and then come to find out the printing only takes cash. i left. i call my mom. i cried. i couldve left the volvo center, gone to the childrens shelter, and spent the afternoon with them. but no. i had to have a messy early afternoon. frustration with God [and myself] welled up. why cant i hear him well? do i not take enough time to listen? why do i think so differently than the rest of the world? --even my mom knows you can just buy a flash drive, and put your stuff on it; take it to be printed. and i had such a wonderful time in the word at volvo. yes, i know evil attacks, yes i know some of this frustration is me not knowing how to plan well. its still frustrating, and then i cant seem to find my way back to my God of Peace easily.
some errands needed to get done. i wanted to print some stuff out, support letters and pics of me to send to the kids i support, mostly. voting.ironing.
i made the choice to stay home from the childrens shelter today. i have cried significantly since then, wondering if that was me being selfish.
i went to volvo this morning, got a check up out of the way. volvo always takes so long. i get there at 7 30 and almost always never leave until lunchtime. i think once i left at 10 30, and was shocked.its never under 200$ either. i have hydraulic fluid slowly leaking, and its just going to have to wait, because it ends up i had to give the church 300$ more for the trip than what i was originally told. i guess the support raising hasnt been going so well.
it was torrential as i was leaving, and cold now. my dress wasnt cutting it. anywho. i go to office depot to see if they can print off the things aforementioned. [ didnt have to print out the coupon for volvo anymore...] well, i either have to put it on a flash drive or email it to them. and great time to find out, my comp battery doesnt hold charge from 7 30 til 12.
go vote. yay. one thing done fairly easily.
its at the library, so i think, sweet! i'll print here. card expired 3 yrs ago, and i have a balance of 22 $ WHAT
she prints off the list of books that are all childrens books. ok, i like books, but seriously. i wouldnt have checked them out.
aside from my doppelganger, there is a lady in town with my same name. i knew this. i also knew she seems to frequent alot of places i do. SHE HAS THE SAME MIDDLE NAME, AND IS A YEAR OLDER THAN ME. in that moment in the library, i thoguht, thats it. i need to move to a different city, or marry someone. this is frustrating.
got my new card, finally got on the comp there. i felt so stupid, not knowing the way things worked. fixed my support letter- it is good now- and then come to find out the printing only takes cash. i left. i call my mom. i cried. i couldve left the volvo center, gone to the childrens shelter, and spent the afternoon with them. but no. i had to have a messy early afternoon. frustration with God [and myself] welled up. why cant i hear him well? do i not take enough time to listen? why do i think so differently than the rest of the world? --even my mom knows you can just buy a flash drive, and put your stuff on it; take it to be printed. and i had such a wonderful time in the word at volvo. yes, i know evil attacks, yes i know some of this frustration is me not knowing how to plan well. its still frustrating, and then i cant seem to find my way back to my God of Peace easily.
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