i almost feel depressed. i usually make sure theres a formidable amount of food in the fridge, i like to have lots of veggies and fruits available too. i havent been to the store, except for necessities, in about 3 -4 weeks. im not kidding. i havent had the desire to eat, but i have been, because if i dont i get dizzy and nauseous. i looked and and have been sitting in since monday a tension created from vacillation. there have been abuses in my life, and the ones from my childhood have more weight in how i relate now than id like to admit . btw, everyone has this problem. when youre ready to look at these things, youll see. im going though a group study on it. so theres a large handy workbook. anyway. so the vacillation stems simply from my intense desire to obtain love (shown in my life, even at the age of five in how i manipulated who i was to fit into something people could respond to, when they shouldve just accepted me), and the lie that i have to find my own love and protect myself . so one side of me is extremely vulnerable and open. the other runs away. i KNOW people reading this understand- we all do this. but it hurts when i can see myself doing these things- clinging unhealthily to someone and the amount of love that i think they should give me(usually in my mind), then pulling away because im afraid ill hurt them or vice versa(usually in the real life, real time realm). i see these things and i dont want to do them. walking away from a crowd when i dont want to , and wanting to stop myself.
wanting a boyfriend but afraid that i will not be able to control myself emotionally or physically.
seriously, i dont know how im gonna get through it when that does come along. we will not be able to be alone together in a non public place. it just cant happen.
i feel really sad typing that. it seems like that alone time could be really special -quiet conversations and all. but where im at, i wouldnt be able to handle it. hes going to have to be really strong. really.
as each week and month goes by, i keep thinking, ok, longing and hope cant feel much bigger than this. HA! now im just wondering if im going to die early. such grand beliefs translate into feelings, and sitting in the love of God (which is the true knowledge of him that we need) just makes me feel like im going to explode.
as i alluded to earlier, i have some depressed ness about me. im not sure if theres a direct correlation, or if theres somewhere im not allowing myself to look at, not allowing God into to heal.