purple is so huge right now

and that has nothing to do with what im about to say.i am royally frustrated with my Lord and Savior.
i just "blame shifted"
He constantly calls me to deepness with him
i want it
not sure how to go about this in a way that feels kind, apparently.
im so stressed out and he keeps reminding me i can rest in him. in different instances i have.
i cant seem to stay there.
i want so badly to be in the Word, and theres an almost loathing to the discipline.
how can i allow myself to be grounded when i cant "sit still" long enough?
gosh. i should sleep. thats a start to having more clarity. and get off facebook[i wrote this on facebook, and then it got too revealing for all those stalker eyes]. i would really enjoy barfing lots of dislike over something right now. im not sure what.why am i so crazy/ cranky? ok. whew. love yall, see ya later, ill be good tomorrow probably.
[i wonder if the looming valentine day is bringing stress.][[the very aspect that i thought of that right as im ending this probably holds some weight. ok, new note. inside the old one. valentines day is my parents anniversary. yay! i cant explain right now how wonderful that is to me. ive really had great valentineexperiences- my parents always make a big deal about it. i actually thought all the v. day stuff was normal. for some of you, your experiences are similar. but i also have heard of many families who dont do anything for each other- no cards, no presents. so , ive never felt lack of fun-loving fun and love on vday.and theres always excitement about possibility. i think im crazy btw. i feel like im putting out there what alot of people feel but maybe are afraid to say. keep in mind im also sleepy.but i dont feel it.im stalling because im wondering if i should really write this.yea, okay. theres that huge disappiontment about not having the knight in shining armor just randomly show up and take me on a date.
seriously, i want him to be incased in metal.
hahahhah! jk.maybe an alligator suit... anyway.
i really enjoy vday and how people are more dressed up, and if you go anywhere that day, people are happier, and theres expectancy, and flowers and chocolate exploding everywhere....its truely amazing.and it feels like the world is claustrophobic in a good way. like you could hug some random stranger and they would be a little more inclined to respond with a smile and understanding instead of their new personal gun freedom.
someone was shot in my apt complex recently btw. neither shooter or shootee were in any way related to any tenents.
and james jennings sent a video about dead baby parts and im glad my comp doesnt buffer well. i got away from those. ive seen pictures. i wonder why i thought i could handle watching a video. there were warnings. this sounds like im saying i shouldve known better. hm .yea, and i also should let myself grieve. but i feel like ive been! theres sorrow in my soul i dont understand.

and then im frustrated with myself, cuz i think i know what God requires and what hes telling me . i just dont want it to be hard. so i shut my ears. i fight him oohh!! i fight him so much. this grieves me because im fighting him now. ive wanted to read some bible and such, and ive been on the computer. and for some reason im spilling my guts so people can read them.
im very upset that God hasnt allowed me my husband yet. more upset than i like to admit. i feel very ugly because thats not what its all about and i struggle with making my future husband an idol. there are children dying of bullets and hunger and im buying an 88$ dress to wear on vday when theres nothing of note happening, its a day. i get so intense about my future spouse., hes alll thats on my mind for days. this isnt healthy, i dont think. although i have worked out this plan where i actually start caring about his days, now. i pray for him more and pray scripture over him. hopefully God will settle my heart a bit so i can hold the hope and desire and not be a friggin basketcase. those of you who stuck out through this really rabbity post, thanks. ]]