by the prodding....!

i'll admit ive been a bit quiet lately.
its been good. one reason being ive relaxed my grip that i didnt know i had.
God keeps us a little more lonely than we'd like to be for the sake or refocusing and centering. he'll remove your closest guy friends. just sayin.
he' ll also not allow anyone to come visit you at volvo, so you can listen to the mexican grandma, and enjoy her, and remind yourself that you getting grace group homework done is not as important as community.
i woke slowly, which is fairly nice. by slow i mean, waking up to rachael at 4 30, and being in and out of consiousness for 4 hours.
this next para is really random and is a run- on. skip it if you like.
[its raining right now and theres a hole in the roof somewhere; the droplets of rain find their way to a 2x4 and make really loud, obnoxious noises, and sllowly soak the sheet rock over and over, bowing it more and lengthening the crack, lengthening my fear of crashing down in the middle of the night - everything difficult happens at 2. when youre asleep the most-falling on my antique dresser, and making a hole for the squirrel , who at that point would be freaked out too from fallling in his sleep and waking up to a screaming girl and the 2 cats who keep him captive in his hole on the balcony when he wants to go find food...and then there would be biting and running and screaming, and more biting....tears, rabies, messy carpet, hysteric calls to the fire dept...]

i went to get my car maintanenced {sp?} and had the aforesaid convo.
they had chocolate milk mix there! i was so happy. i think volvo stalked me to prepare for my arrival. i put it in my coffee.
*note to self- and readers= swiss miss hot chocolate mix tastes WAY different than swiss miss chocolate mix. theres a richer- ness to the second, which actually is not as great in coffee. it overpowers.
i felt wrapped up in love this mornin, and there was nothing else to do but love other people.
God gave me this morning to get some things done, to alleviate my coming weekends. and its spurred me on- im feeling more prone to continue this trend tomorrow and accomplish some other outstanding phone calls and appt. making.
theres also the part where God has told me- slow down. you dont have to get it all done- and ive listened. ive listened!!!!! i didnt beat my fists and cry and give him all my amazing rationale.

ive rested.
i got my charm necklace-which ive had forever and only wore like the first 2 years i had it- turned into a bracelet and theres enough chain left for 2 more bracelets! im making my sis one for a wedd present; picking that up tomorrow. has two interlocked hearts and the hebrew symbol for life. 2 seperate charms. i want to keep the other piece for a future something. thought i would be selfish at first and make myself another one. eh.
there are other various doings. whatever.
i really enjoyed work more, and had a larger capacity to love, with the whole morning to become that way. hm. thoughts.
why dont i maybe try to go to bed earlier?
does God do this so i know the love that comes from me is not me?
do i need to take care of myself more[dont think so- wait. maybe so. theres a difference in caring for yourself and being selfish with your time and doings.]?

im quietly and pretty contentedly waiting for the timing of the Lord to move me from current job and church. and for him to send a perfect rent house. [and my husband;)]<<---its so cool, hes given me such grace in the truth that im finally accepting about waiting correctly. i feel set to rights, holding things weighted and with perspective.
went to olive "g"- thats what the sign said- to celebrate some of our sopd[stone oak pediatric dentistry] "alumni" in their new and more suited and less stressful jobs.
*its raining really heavily now, and im trying to not let the water on the ceiling get to me.
oooh! God stopped the noise of it:)))
thank you.
thank you for the morning to accomplish. thank you for the grace to recieve some critical words with humbleness and understanding for the other person. thank you for good co worker friends, and such that are believers.thank you for our openness in front of olive g to sing to you together. thank you for the rain and dancing and for lonely waiters that prick our hearts.
our waiters name was marky- mark. he actually resembled him.
there was a waiter in training, but i never saw him! im pretty sure the one with seniority pushed him away from our table- we're a bunch of beautiful women with lots to offer.
he was trying to get in on our jokes and be funny- most likely for a tip.
but some of the comments struck me. i couldnt come out of contempt for him long enough to lovehim well though.
"please buy some more drinks, it'll make me cuter"
"i'm gonna sit outside with you guys for a minute"
" we're giving out hugs?"- arms outstretched
he took pictures for us, and turned the camera on himself once
"what are you singing?"
all these comments sound obnoxious, and i personally took them that way. but he really was being super open. i almost went and gave him a hug. i wanted to. i wanted to ask him if hiss name was really mark, and what he liked to do, if he belived in the God we were singing about...but i was afraid. afraid that he'd think i was interested in him, that my friends would think the same, ...hm. thats mostly it.
EW
i bind that timidity to love well! in the Name of Jesus Christ, leave my mind! it feels so akin to the demons of homosexuality.may the Lord God deal with you severely.
these are the things that i must remember.
its okay to enjoy someone youre halfway attracted to
its okay to let them know that
theres so much more to a relationship than the boy/ girl "surface" aspect.-- for instance, this couldve become a life - long friend!
he's worth the invitation and the drawing out, as much as you are. [ i have a double standard there]
its worth the cost of possible friendly humiliation and taunting
he's worth possibly "falling in" love with.

whoa.see what happens when i just start a grace group? all this reality- and truth- telling.:P
i was able to stand in the rain. and walk in it. and sing in it. and enjoy.