i dont necessarily need to know what hes doing, as long as im reconciled to the methods!
i feel so dead. been reading friends' blogs and theyre so full of life. theres a pouring into and an excitement for the future and im tired.
i want to push past the anxiety that i feel about stepping into new places. God opened a door for one of my co workers to step into a new field and im jealous:/
i dont understand myself though. im pretty whiney. im not doing anything to step into any different places.
i used to think, wow, i have this job and i can really fund others in what theyre doing and love on them that way. just giving that way feels empty after a while. i have 3 girls i sponsor. but i cant touch them or talk to them, know them and smell them.
the children at work come for services. i cant sit and watch the movie with them or play a game or sit in [sometimes feigned] rapture while they tell me a story.
i want to learn sign language and take art classes. but im just like my mother- it feels selfish so i dont do it. and it takse time- time that i barely feel i have now.
my little fantasy here is that some guy will come along and i will "have to" give up my job. that there will be a "reason."
that another great job will fall in my lap. and i can switch.
that i will have the guts to leave and not have my life planned out.
but then, God also asks us to count the cost.
am i being selfish to want to leave because some major components of my office are not in good frames of mind, not managed well....because my back hurts and im not sitting right, but i cant fix it properly because i see a child every 15 minutes....because because because.
if anyone has ANY idea about what God is doing with me, will you let me know? am i "out" of His will? am i really not paying attention? what do i do with this: i must be sinning, and not responding to him. nothing seems kind. i think im longing for him and following after him. is it not enough? when does the following become work? [im totally woking in my mind about this- how do i stop? ] when is my wanting discipline and slowing putting it into practice going to become discipline?
Reading this, listening to a piece of your heart confused with your mind and the pressures of life... honestly, I've known too well what your feeling. And that feeling is what finally made me so angry with God and life that I rebelled. The best advice I can give is to filter out the lies. Who told you you are sinning? In what way? Having desires, wanting to enjoy your job, wanting companionship, a family, excitement, adventure, passion, love, and hope - these are good things. Don't you let yourself believe you are somehow being "selfish" because your heart cries out for these things! I've heard it said that the Lord is most glorified when we are doing what we are most passionate about. Pursue what you can - if you want to take art classes or learn sign language - DO IT. Who's to say God wouldn't be glorified in that???? Who's to say what friendships may come from those little adventures? Try to be patient, I know its sooo hard! If the Lord is who He says He is then believe He is good. He has given you opportunities to fill your life with GOOD things, it is your choice to pursue them. :)
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