i m sad and im tired and i full and i have no time for letting anyone be Jesus to me in any way that feels restful. this week is s ofull- im making myself do this so that i just dont emplode in my bed and make a mess, and freak my cats out, leaving them ownerless.
every day has had some busyness, and some of it my own doing, i'll admit, i told someone that slowing down is where you find God, and here i am feeling a whirlwind.
it pains me that we have so much doing in our lives. i "did" grace group tonight- dont get me wrong, i didnt force group, it was lovely. but coming away, i wish i felt accepted [insert gut wrenching sob over realizing my choice of word there]enough to stop and ask for a place to land. to even plan this. but everyone feels just as busy as me and i hate that. i hate that sometimes none of us stop. i want to be available to people, and i want to love them well. im getting lost in this thought of being there for eavh other. we all hold each others stuff.
dang it
im not asking anyone to hold my stuff. being responsible to speak up for myself. to ask. i hate it. i hate know somewhere in there is fear of rejection. i KNOW i wont be rejected. this is ridiculous. im tired. my nose is running, im crying, and sometimes i greatly dislike living alone.why does life have to be all this doing and going?!? im so tired.
some of its the doing and going in my mind.
bible club happens this saturday. theres a part of me that is sad that i am so afraid of something i desperately want. that i shove aside the joy in my heart about being in community with these families and loving the kids, and focus on the organization of it - and worry.that it almost feels like ive turned something i want to do into something i have to do.
its through an organization that has rules. the rules make me feel like i might do something wrong. i know theyre there for protection and continuity.
for instance- theres a possibility of children stealing stuff from me. welll, fine! why does it have to be brought up and get me worried about putting things away? it just makes me uptight and makes me start looking at these kids as little mongrels. why cant i just get stolen from and grieve the fact that these kids think they have to take ? as it is, im looking at the necklaces that i keep in my bathroom. some if them really pretty.
i go back and forth. theyre nothing. i really like that one. i want to be able to give them away if a little girl asks. but i paid for them and if i give one person something, im going to have to give everyone something. meh.
joyce called me today about the bible club stuff and sounded annoyed. i tried not to, buti took it that she was annoyed with me. i feel like im gonna have to answer to her for everything.
im really thankful for the free perio surgery that is happening the 16th, and for the time i allowed God to calm my heart. i wish i could give him all these things.
a couple people have given me information to hold that i feel i am not supposed to hold. one feels done out of ignorance, like a child saying something offhand andnot even realizing the implications. the other feels about the same, but with a weird self- gratifying cruelty directed at me.
am i the only one that has to bring up the hard conversations? am i the only one that stirs the pot? why cant people

im stopping that. im hurting people in my mind and degrading them.
i think im tireed of being safe. part of me wants to pull out all the stops and ram rod into situations and speak it like it is, wound, whatever. we can clean up later. and i dont really care if youve lost your leg. youve got another one.

but thats not kind. peopla ask me how i am, and i say good, okay; because if i tell them horrible, theyre expecting that i want to talk. but i dont even know what id say, and i dont want to make them feel badly for me.
some of the things in my heart cant be shared yet- and my heart i dont think had expanded enough to hold them.
im looking forward to putting flyers all over the approx 400 units in the apt tomorrow. seriously, i am. it will be mindless. may be i'll pray. maybe not.

im hearing truth. dang you, God. you never leave me alone anymore. there are parts to the body, and i cant go around being a dead part. crippled is something that is not true of my identity, and i have to let the other parts minister to me.



SHIT MY HEART IS BREAKING.
::it never ends, does it.