i am so full of so much thought! so many emotions.
im looking at my fears in relation to being pursued, and being a wife.
there is weight i cant explain and questions, and most of all i wonder why its so hard to navigate why i feel and believe what i do.
theres alot.
mix into all that my excitement right now of moving! i went to ask the manager if her boy was coming on the bus with us tomorrow to a family fiesta.
they started chatting with me. the guy that helps her asked about my job, and then started talking about his perio, and asking me stuff. and then he mentioned that my new apartment is so nice!!!
im excited :-DDDDDDD
i am grateful to tears that i would be given this.


she said it will be soon. im guessing that means im getting the keys before the weekend- yes! ive started packing up more of the kitchen. that room and the bathroom seem the most ready to be moved:)
theres going to be so many trips. back and forth across that parking lot. food, books, clothes.

living here is almost like a glass house. you really get to know the neighbors, if you let them in. and i think theyre interested in who i show up as. i know they see God, i know the different people that have come into my apartment feel the peace and settled Spirit. i know they feel the invitation.
im exuberant to create even a more comfy space in the new place. the bathroom wont be only accessible through my room. the new kitchen will draw me to cook more- hopefully!
the walls wont be red.
i dont know how i feel about this.
i know how other people feel about it. i think theres a consensual sigh of relief [ i really had to pull out the dictionary to figure out consensual. i am not as smart as ive liked to believe].

i find it warm and inviting. at the same time, i didnt want the living room to be hugely overwhelming, so i had constrained the color scheme. now, a freedom of wall hangings can happen in the new place.
ive always been really fast about decorating. an unease happens with the walls bare.

this time, im not even going to try. those things are going to sit on the floor for a long time. im going to get used to my apt, and find what i like about the walls. the living- and bed- rooms are set up differently, and im going to wait, move the furniture around, and find what i like best before relegating wall space. there was only one way to do anything in this first place.

they didnt unlock the laundry room this morning. guess my laundry's going to wait until after 3 tomorrow.
we're going to that fiesta. i will be babysitting, while trying to create some interaction. not very many families are going, so it might just be non- bible club interaction with the kids.

m. mcg., the lady that lives here and helps me with club, has depression. she is very hard to deal with at times. she'll reprimand me in the weirdest places, and be super concerned about offending people, then she doesnt agree with me when i talk about offending people, or whatever.

another place where i was hoping for older woman guidance and whatnot, and i get some people that i feel im always speaking into and encouraging, and they sit back thinking out loud, "gosh, i wish i wouldve been where you are now when i was your age!"
i am thankful for the ladies, younger and older, that are adults to me and pour into me when its appropriate. and dont tear themselves down all the time in order to build a semblance of me up in their minds. some of them read this blog. thank you.
i still have that weird "acne- causing bacteria" that they said would be gone by now. the most annoying thing it does is travel to my lips sometimes and itches and dries them out horribly.

i hold some pain with that about my body not being perfect. that my husband wont want to touch my face or kiss me when this is going on......moreso that I wont want him to touch me or kiss me. that the shame of it will be too much . shame of not being perfect.

ok. if i keep talking it will get into alot of shame, because im looking at that right now, and this isnt the place for all that unpacking.