hi friends. how are you?
awesome.
me, im different. but you cant tell by what im DOING. so when you ask me how im doing, thats just silly. look at my face. if im smiling, im happy. etc.

and why do we ask people how theyre doing? you want to know how im doing something? what are you asking about?
"how are you" is better. it still misses the heart. i can give you an "f" word, and then, you might not even be listening at that point!

ever since the trip to austin, Gods really been switching me up. changing my insides. i cant tell you exactly what. and i might not want to iterate it. they are deep quiet places that are loving him more fully and no one gets to see all the excitement so theres this weird joyful sadness.
only God sees this life.
the effort to create ties again where i feel safe to talk about my deep real life is hard. im working on it.

theres been some enlightenment about self -worth as opposed to self- esteem.
im doing this great bible study on my own time and its very personal-feeling w God. its becoming the proverbs 31 woman. at first glance this isnt the type of study that i would be drawn to.
but looks can be deceiving. its awesome!
it threw a huge chunk of light on my lack of believing the worth that God gives to me and others, and giving self- esteem WAY too much voice.
i think one part of that, as we're a little bit on the subject of friends, is i look to having people around as a measure of how much i am worth as a friend. ive been lying. my major love language is not touch. its quality time.
and ive been looking to others to bolster my views about myself by feeding my needs/wants.
and when im not adequately fed, i feel horrible, and like no one likes me or really wants me around.
that is a huge lie. pray for me.


so its been good, i guess, now that i think about it. God takes away my puny shorings and bulwarks and scaffoldings. and asks me to stand on the 2 very worthy feet i have.

omG!
when Jesus saw him and knew he had been ill for a long time, he asked him," would you like to get well?'
"i cant, sir," the sick man said, " for i have no one to put me into the pool when the water bubbles up. someone else always gets there ahead of me."
Jesus told him, "stand up, pick up your mat ,and walk!"

um,yes please. more faith. this is interesting, this getting up and walking. i pray i do it.
what does my heart look like when its positioned like this? i wish i could step outside of myself and see the aspects, while knowing the inside so closely. guess i'll have to wait for hindsight.