hey, so im back! yay!
and jen, no rap. im sorry. i dont know if i'll ever do it for the kids- they didnt seem too impressed when i told them that.

so, im going to start from thanksgiving weekend and go from there. everyone tends to follow me better when i [try to] talk linear-ly.
i was desperately wanting my family around thanksgiving. and it was hurting my heart that i was having to find them so much. mix in with that the self- pity of getting over the sickness.
saturday i went to find my parents at lost maples. God had other plans.
i have been there before. i got directions.
i got lost for 30 minutes, 2 different ways. i was crying and angry and confused.
my parents hadnt seemed as super excited to have me come. now i know this is a lie. in the moment it didnt feel like it. them hiking and just calling me when they had service felt hard to me.
getting lost was frustrating. it was getting late and the part of me that wanted to keep driving, ask for directions, and get there was trumped by the reasoning that it would be later, darker, colder, and i had already been crying for about 2 hours. still feeling a bit weak from the sickies.

it was majorly disheartening to give up. ive never done that.
i think i said in the last blog that i said, "ok, God. take over." well, that weekend was the most disjointed ive felt in a long time. nothing was working out the way id planned. even going down to corpus. i had planned to go to the beach before going to my sis's, and then leaving earlier. and maybe hanging out "richly" with her. none of that happened. the things that i needed to get done for kids club happened, but on a very diff time frame. and actual club didnt happen. then meeting up w my parents was crazy and super disappointing.

the car ride of pain was everything i could possibly pin on God [ legally and illegally] and find fault in. i complained about every aspect of my life. i cant go into all the places now. you would be sitting. reading. forever.

one thing, i will mention. i was despising how kids club is going.
and that unlocked a door to my motives for things, and unrealistic expectations.

my chest tightens right now, as i wish to have all of yall face to face with me . i want that alot when i say things here. but i never know when those opportunities will come, and by then i will have probably forgotten that you dont know this about me.

i have unknowingly carried around this lie that if im just better at being a christian, if im just enjoying the life Gods given me , and focus on doing "His work," my husband will come along.
- and id like to stick this in here so its not the last thing i say....IF YOU DONT WANT OT READ THE PETULANT GUY SOB, SKIP TO NEXT PARAGRAPH WITH ASTERIK
i hate this rollercoaster of being ok single and then crashing to not in the span of a few hours. i hate that someone i dont know who has a beeer in his hand at an art show can tell me im gorgeous and have the guts to ask me out when upstanding christian guys who actually have talked to me for more than 5 minutes just dont do anything.
and then im left the next day with awakened longing and hope, and start slipping into depths of sadness because i see all this awesome stuff id like to buy someone special for Christmas, or talk about, and theres no one there. ok. done.
****
thats been a big part of my motive to really jump into kids club, a REALLY big part of trying to learn how to cook, and to lesser degrees other things. its never been just to enjoy the thing or the people or whatever, solely.
thats ugly and sad and little to me. so that happened on a country road. among my cussing and ugliness to God. thank him and praise him that hes big enough, beyond me, merciful, and that i trust him as much as i do to know he will love me still after these "episodes."

he has blessed me with remembrance of truths about himself, and my responsibility to him in relationship in the past 2 weeks.
my parents came into town, out of their planned way back home, to eat lunch w me sunday.
it was bittersweet that they made concession for me after a meltdown.
part of me wondered if i subconsciously was making a huge deal to feel more care from them.
im not sure on that account. i decide to not sit there.
i do believe God had some major work he needed to put me through. and i still feel like hes pulling something out of me and show me more. i have no idea . like a dream where you can only put the story together after you wake up.