something's happened this evening. something rare. i made coffee. and im going to drink it. at 8 30.

in my defense[ sad defense], its decaf.
im having a sourcream donut w it- my fav
::does that negate the fact that im having less caffine? wonder how much sugar is in there.

this is a need to feel cozy.
house sitting for some friends over the weekend stirred up MUCHO longings. this of course, happens right after the longings chapter in book two of the grace group trilogy- -- i just feel like there should be 3 books. so theres a trilogy in my head.
i was so so so grateful [voyeuristically] for a garage and a balcony porch and greenery to look at in the morning and a dog to walk and a kitchen with as much storage space as MY WHOLE APT(maybe more) .....i could say a few other things but i think you-- oh no, wait. a great wonderful large size washer and dryer and a garden tub. ok. now im done with the list.

last grace group one of the ladies prayed. shes an expert pray-er. its real, and thoughtful of the people in the room, but doesnt seek to impress and doesnt strive to remember. just a thoughtful heart pray-er. real at the same time. not afraid. she mentioned longing for the garden.
their house[ im tearing right now in the weight of it all] felt a garden.
it spoke faint rememberances into my soul about what i really want to be in my life. i fantasized about having an open- door policy all the time, hosting parties and being able to offer my home and bed/couches/ floor at almost any given moment.
i have such tension in my life ; wanting to invite always and having to quiet the offer sometimes. or change it to be accommodating. (rabbit-trail confession. i use dictionary.com not for the defs, but for spelling. used it 2wice already. if you guess the 2 words, i'll give you a prize. serious. it will most likely be food. unless you have a suggestion. and is it weird that my donut just then tasted of a chicken strip from dairy queen?!? i used to get chicken strips religiously + a choc extreme blizzard from dq right next to del mar in cc on my lunch break. those are still my 2 fav things there.if im not careful, they totally RIP my gut. but theyre so tastey. )
ok. so.
living w tension....loving a taste of what i would like to offer people in my life later on. loving how it calmed me. loving that it called me awake and outside and to God in the morning. how. to. replicate.
im settling a little better in my apt. it scares me because the last time i got really settled and feelin good, i moved. i dont want to move just yet, for kids club sake. it wouldnt be the same if i didnt live here.
anyway tho- im settling. it seems to be a getting older thing too, because all of a sudden im not ok with everything decor- wise not matching. slowly being remedied.
theres this painting thats half way done going on my wall, and a clock at target i absolutely love and will be so sad if its not there or bought -up by the time [ehheheheh!] i can justify getting it.

and ive been speaking lately, letting myself be heard more. there comes a point when its nevermore others not listening,its me sabotaging. and it releases me and others. i dont demand anymore from them in my heart- and the lie that they dont really love me hasnt a chance.
maybe in hell it does.
chatted w shelley just a smidge tonight, and we talked about her and cj, and upcoming amazingness. and then she had to get off the phone- and i was completely ok with not talking about me at all! it felt so cool and wonderful and free.
feels odd to end on this note. but i cant think of anything else right now. sugar in the donut mixes w decaf and shuts my brain down?