loved my time at the beach.
i dont know how succinctly i have been talking about all the stuff happening right now. dont think i could. im not a succinct person. i sometimes wish i was; im make more sense.

God reminded me that "he" is "feminine" also. there is housed in Absolute Being- masculinity and femininity.
i am a fleshy display of the feminine of this Divine, and meant to live out femininity towards others. that our God would be experienced by ourselves and others in the sexuality we house is huge.
being on the beach helped me sort all my thoughts.
my time off helped me hear
--that i am beautiful
-- creativity was given to me and flows through me.
--painting and things of such nature that give me joy arent "less" in the "kingdom"
--i want to live by a beach. not necessarily cc
--i could move
--i could go back to school
--i can travel
--i can start doing those last 3 things in about 2 years, after lars [ my car] is paid off and i have a bit o money saved

been thinking on and allowing myself to dream... the red tent dinner topic has helped! dunno if its been super great for anyone else in the group!
this dreaming has made me open to more, and also given me a more level head about things. learning i can say no to ok, or good things, in hopefulness for great things .

soooo..... heres the story of the romanian man.
i was flipping out the other night. some of that was because i was actually thinking this might work and what a huge shift.
it felt amazingly out of my control to allow a possibility there. j.s., youve talked about control off and on and something always resonated w me but i never understood that i am majorly liking to be in control!!! some of you are prolly like, what, how did she not know that about herself. dunno.

my flipping out was the inability to picture what that life wouldbe like- w an older romanian.

the poss of being linked to this culture! it felt huge.
didnt sleep well.
my mom told me to be my BEAUTIFUL SELF in a text sunday morning, and i started crying. i cant remember her ever blatantly telling me i was beautiful aside from what i was wearing...etc.and i think then it was more, pretty, good, lesser words. and it shocked me to have that lightening bolt of unveiling. i hope to be able to keep that text until its burned in my core.

i felt pretty good at church
started getting nervous at the restaurant. he hadnt arrived w the clydes yet. i was just with the crumps. and thankfully they didnt talk about him before he got there.
my first thought was a let down, not as handsome as i had hoped. hes very kind to his mother. i actually liked her alot. hes shy, like i can be around guys. and that was hard bc he wasnt asking me questions or trying to initiate much. i didnt know what to talk about involving romania. when the people that have been there chat about it, or i meet a romanian, i feel at such a loss- like im expected to talk more about it and know more about it than i do.
we went with the clydes to bass pro shop.
hung out w e clyde and baby while waiting for her husband and lucian to come back from trying to shoot guns and ride a motorcycle. things he wanted to do in tx.
theyre thinking of moving the family down here and he wants to get into christian filmmaking. he feels very strongly thats where the next major push in evangelism is going, and we need to be there and do it well.
when he was talking about this at dinner i actually caught a smidge of hope and thought maybe...
but there were a bunch of things that werent jiving.
dont really wanna re hash that list.
but, 2 things i came away with.
i loved being seen as attractive and taken into consideration for pursuing.--with that, i deserve to be pursued better.
when i meet my husband, im going to know. not this eh, hes nice, cool, fill-in-the-blank. its going to be easy for me to begin being curious and searching out his heart because im going to want to. and hes going to bring stuff to the table thats worthwhile for me to enter into. not that these other guys dont, but for me personally.