ive been doing a pretty good job of not paying attention to God~ at least, i think i am.

i was wistful in austin. i always long so desperately in my core when there. i honestly dont know why. these feelings come when im in other places too. they are magnified there. i wanted to get to the bottom of this feeling.
the word wistful came to me, and id never been able to pinpoint the feeling before.
so i figured this was the time to look at it. [ would'ja just lookatit?]

these are the layers and colors.
i want my husband, and i want to share life with him.
want to be known.
want to shop w him. want him to buy me clothes.

want a house i can decorate, and make it into a place of art, and a place of welcoming.

want my life have more opportunity for being. not so much doing.
--so these were the thoughts. some didnt come as a surprise, but i looked at them fresh-ly.
ive always had this longing that my spouse would take me shopping and want me to buy beautiful things and just to enjoy that. [theres a wanting to buy him things too, mixed up in there. im not all selfish!] it struck me as really odd. i allowed myself to step back from that thought and question it.
came away a little shocked.
my life could probably be put on a timeline and categorized by the outfits ive worn. the displays of various dress, and with that, various personas and acting.
it was at its zenith when i was younger- 4-7, or so. seven feels old. but its probably accurate, cuz i still wouldve been in 1st grade. and we didnt move to corpus until middle of 2nd.
i dont recall dancing so much for my family after we moved. but before! i would dress up and sit my daddy down [ sometimes my mom, when she agreed and stayed seated], and dance, and want [them] to watch me.
the connection really hit me- its so base! so freudian.
and so true to how our hearts work.
i just want to rest in someones gaze, and know they find me beautiful and want to stick around.

i started talking to God about this in bacon.
something that came out of my questioning was: i treasure my husband. i didnt think much of this sentiment, and went on thinking.
then sunday came and i felt God pulling at me and i stayed busy.

and then i read some proverbs this morning, and " ..if you will search for it as hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord."
i didnt like this spotlight too much. my heart has held marriage countless times over as an idol, above God. because i definitely dont feel like i treasure God. there are not similar longings for him.
i have been looking at risk, and thanks to oswald chambers, what true self sacrifice and handing over our lives to God should look like.
a tension i hate is hanging over me. both ways, i dont know how to make happen. theres the home w the "picket fence," i love it and all the security it entails, and it scares the crap out of me that i could be that settled. no more change [what i forsee as no change]. and then theres the other way, living transient and free, not being held down.- that way feels more like living solitary. i want both ways and am scared of both ways. my future feels very small and suffocating, but very unknown. i treasure my future and my hopes- but at what cost to my relationship to God? this is what i dont know. all these thoughts are swirling with no answers.
why do others' lives seem so purposeful and together, and mine so discontent? i cry when i think that i am ungrateful for what God has allowed for me to live out. i dont want to be that person. and i feel paralyzed trying to move into the discipline of gratefulness and being present w my life. i get tired of being present. people say you will get burnt out on ministry if the Lords not in it. i beg God to put me where he is, and be in the all that im doing, and i still am tired.

well this post went a couple different ways.
i think the overarching take- home of this is
i want to be known and loved, and i am still looking for it even though i have it . im frustrated that i want to be with the Lord and at the same time dont. i dont have any concrete goals to hold on to.