God is always good, and i dont always pay attention. that breeds all kinds of stuff. self-centered thinking, asking why bitterly [which ive found all has its roots in insecurity and distrust.], worrying about my next step...

the wondering that leaves me in the worst place and brings all this on, is when i look at how easily other peoples lives seem to work out. its like God is giving glimpses and they are trusting. or at least learning as they go. i think i get upset that it never feels like anything big happens to me.
::see this thinking? its spiraling already!::
God has my days. and he has the plan. my "risking muscles" need a bit more exercising, its true...hopefully that discipline will come this month. [the first thig on my "list " is to start really learning spanish]

side note on why this feels so hard. even though i am a very artistic, big picture person, i am also a very detail focused person, and i do like my tasks in life to be in boxes- when ones done, then the next one can happen. so with learning any language [ ive tried spanish, gaelic, and romanian- also kicked around the idea of hebrew], they never stuck, because i never MADE it happen. i sorta made it happen. i have this weird fear that if i learn a certain language, that means i will  have to be in full time ministry to that people group. which is a big deal if you learn any of the last 3 on that list. requires a move and a culture change.

my mind needs to change to --i GET to minister to people. if knowing a language happens to facilitate ministering to certain people, good.

my other trust issue is the house. i looked again last night for a bit, and found only a few, and they are expensive. i do like that God isnt giving a plethora of good options right now, though. its forcing me to trust him.  i can wait on him, it will be ok.
i also have a fear that i might have to move into one of my older single friends'  house. that feels like moving back in with parents.
what im hoping for feels too big.


this morning i had off; going in for the afternoon. i am so thankful that God gave this break. i may be out a bit of money, but the rest it gives to my mind and soul is priceless.
thats where im  at...and also looking at how im meant to be inviting at every aspect of life, to all people. from being inclusive to those in the body of believers that just rub me to wrong way. to extending the invitation to life consistently to those not in the family.