prayer for movement.

im starting to feel the pull- slightly- back into youth ministry. im pretty scared. but im now willing to admit that its where my heart is most of the time. i think im mostly posting this because i need prayer. prayer to start walking into whatever is available. and doable. i mean, id like to keep my day job. ;) i also need to be laid before the throne because of my aforementioned fear. in my last church, i was a super-integral part of the leadership team, and i took those kids on as my babies. i didnt know i had done that at the time. maybe i had made them an idol. dunno. but when i had to leave for say-town, it ripped my heart apart. its taken about =well, until now for it to heal. 2 years and 7 months. thats longer than my healing from the very painful /messed up[aka lesbian] relationship. i wonder why its deeper. why i havent looked into that more. why i didnt think it needed as much attention.
im interested at the timing of this reawakening. its felt like all of a sudden its hit me again. no rhyme or reason. i think my movement into inquiring about possibly helping is going to be slow.
i need prayer for my heart to rest and for God to place everything where it needs to be in a way that i can see it clearly and understand the futility of fighting it!:) thanks friends.

i always write about hope, it seems

hope has been expanding.
i have had lovely friends pursue me, and let me know im worth it, and i am thankful.
i feel like its a preparation for me to be able to interact with my husband well.
i was wanting a house, and got a car instead. that made me really wonder about my seeming need to be settled in stark contrast to being mobile.
our family has a friend my age that is currently living with them. hes from africa and is going to school here, and so has a valid student visa. for some reason he had to renew his regular visa or something, and was turned down. hes looking at thousands of dollars to contend it. his life looks and feels very transient right now.
i have other friends who are embarking on the mission field right now, have already done so, or are thinking about it for thier future.
i have friends who have lost thier jobs[big surprise right now]. its still scarey, esp. when its so "close."
i guess ive just been thinking more that im not promised anything here, and this is not my home, and who friggin knows whats gonna happen- i could end up in canada for all i know[it was the most randomly weird place i could think of- romania or something of that nature isnt so strange to me:)].
i look forward to the possibilities- husband, coming alongside him in his love for God, whatever thats going to look like[!], hopefully be able to foster parent or adopt somewhere in there, ahH! thinking about possibilities is unending! who knows what God prepares us for ! just being able to walk alongside believers and non believers alike, and grow and minister, and be ministered to=
what an adventure!
hm. i will be tired. i will get hungry:) ill cry. ill laugh. ill get hurt. ill be mistreated, and lavished on. ill lead. ill love. ill be misunderstood. ill misunderstand. ill be known. ill know. ill listen. ill stay up late on purpose , and against my will.
life is sounding really exciting right now! even the "ucky" parts. anyway. that was my brain on lots of water [and great tea, thanks to kelsi:)].

purple is so huge right now

and that has nothing to do with what im about to say.i am royally frustrated with my Lord and Savior.
i just "blame shifted"
He constantly calls me to deepness with him
i want it
not sure how to go about this in a way that feels kind, apparently.
im so stressed out and he keeps reminding me i can rest in him. in different instances i have.
i cant seem to stay there.
i want so badly to be in the Word, and theres an almost loathing to the discipline.
how can i allow myself to be grounded when i cant "sit still" long enough?
gosh. i should sleep. thats a start to having more clarity. and get off facebook[i wrote this on facebook, and then it got too revealing for all those stalker eyes]. i would really enjoy barfing lots of dislike over something right now. im not sure what.why am i so crazy/ cranky? ok. whew. love yall, see ya later, ill be good tomorrow probably.
[i wonder if the looming valentine day is bringing stress.][[the very aspect that i thought of that right as im ending this probably holds some weight. ok, new note. inside the old one. valentines day is my parents anniversary. yay! i cant explain right now how wonderful that is to me. ive really had great valentineexperiences- my parents always make a big deal about it. i actually thought all the v. day stuff was normal. for some of you, your experiences are similar. but i also have heard of many families who dont do anything for each other- no cards, no presents. so , ive never felt lack of fun-loving fun and love on vday.and theres always excitement about possibility. i think im crazy btw. i feel like im putting out there what alot of people feel but maybe are afraid to say. keep in mind im also sleepy.but i dont feel it.im stalling because im wondering if i should really write this.yea, okay. theres that huge disappiontment about not having the knight in shining armor just randomly show up and take me on a date.
seriously, i want him to be incased in metal.
hahahhah! jk.maybe an alligator suit... anyway.
i really enjoy vday and how people are more dressed up, and if you go anywhere that day, people are happier, and theres expectancy, and flowers and chocolate exploding everywhere....its truely amazing.and it feels like the world is claustrophobic in a good way. like you could hug some random stranger and they would be a little more inclined to respond with a smile and understanding instead of their new personal gun freedom.
someone was shot in my apt complex recently btw. neither shooter or shootee were in any way related to any tenents.
and james jennings sent a video about dead baby parts and im glad my comp doesnt buffer well. i got away from those. ive seen pictures. i wonder why i thought i could handle watching a video. there were warnings. this sounds like im saying i shouldve known better. hm .yea, and i also should let myself grieve. but i feel like ive been! theres sorrow in my soul i dont understand.

and then im frustrated with myself, cuz i think i know what God requires and what hes telling me . i just dont want it to be hard. so i shut my ears. i fight him oohh!! i fight him so much. this grieves me because im fighting him now. ive wanted to read some bible and such, and ive been on the computer. and for some reason im spilling my guts so people can read them.
im very upset that God hasnt allowed me my husband yet. more upset than i like to admit. i feel very ugly because thats not what its all about and i struggle with making my future husband an idol. there are children dying of bullets and hunger and im buying an 88$ dress to wear on vday when theres nothing of note happening, its a day. i get so intense about my future spouse., hes alll thats on my mind for days. this isnt healthy, i dont think. although i have worked out this plan where i actually start caring about his days, now. i pray for him more and pray scripture over him. hopefully God will settle my heart a bit so i can hold the hope and desire and not be a friggin basketcase. those of you who stuck out through this really rabbity post, thanks. ]]