yay! its still farily early, considering i went to bed later this weekend.
i had a LOVELY time with my most favorite friend- that- gets- mistaken- for - a- sister, shelles.
it was such a blessing to stay in her parents house this weekend and relax.
had great tea, good convo, some digging [thanks, g and s], and mostly rest.
im even thankful for the sinus crud that happened after the bits of soul unearthing. it helped me just to sit in my newfound gems and rocks.
i'll stop being so vague.
i kinda started complaining about someone i end up taking care of, g showed me theres actually alot more manipulation there than i thought, she encouraged me to stop being responsible and showed me a link to my grandma that had slipped out of my mouth. so im wondering what being a really, truely loving friend would look like, and how in the HECK to be a true, loving, and safe granddaughter, when i cant clearly see the barbs of the manipulation.
im scared to "cut off" or confront and name manipul;ation. people usually dont take kindly to being told theyre manipulating. they usually end up manipulating after being told, so as to prove they didnt manipulate. i know, i used to do it alot more than i do now.
having thoughts about me allowing unhealthy things around me, made me realize how many people manipulate so easily. i can think of (in my girlfriend circles) maybe 2 or 3 friends that dont use manipulation on me on a regular basis. guy friends do it less, if ever, thank God.
im blown away.
how timely for this to come up right before grace group starts. this is the beginning of me asking for one on one time to unpack things on a regular basis. im going to take care of myself mo betta, gosh dang it!
something else that was brought to the surface. i like to stuff down the important aspects of it really, and complain on all the ditzy girl levels. s brought up a number of times what she needs in her husband.
she knows what she needs, and shes starting to look for it. and she'll [kindly, of course ] shut down offers of boys in search of her man. i know somewhat of what i think i need. mostly because i think i dont understand parts of myself,and what those parts need in compliment. which is okay.
she didnt have it all figured out, but she had like, 3 major points.
i agreed with them strongly. but can they really be mine? or are they just really great points?
i have a feeling my "top 3" would be slightly different, even just in the placement or wording.

and all this took me to my horrible penchant of expecting men to be perfect, and creating some god- man that doesnt exist.
i keep knifin' that thing in the heart, men of the universe(that includes yall, gorgeous man friends)- some day it will die, and i will love all of you for who you are and not who i imagine you to be.
hm. just had a thought. i should give that knife to God. dont really enjoy that concept...whats truth really look like in all of that? ive only had my make believe so far...

i feel so solid and calm in my being right now. ive felt this for a long time- long to me, like a week. but tonight. really solid. i loved people well today, all through the day. [in measurement of how i typically love, or dont love]
there arent any problems right now. ive got alot of my stuff in order, theres no pending crazyness, and ive been kind to myself and let me off the hook for a couple different things, even just today.
i think letting who God says i am really sink into my gut on a few points has "peaced" me.
having my apt and all it holds on my timeline[ i.e., the dishes are done to my specifications and when i want them done, things stay where i put them] really is a calming point for me. guess its the mom in me.
its nice to sit in these moments., who knows if ill be here for long.
its amazing, at these places of my psyche/heart/cycle, i could be single forever. its fine, i love it, i have freedoms to be really readily available to anyone (such as, you could call me right now).
i love this place of centeredness.

Impossible Joy

these are two words God has given for the new year, and they fit together quite nicely- yay!

reclaiming joy is an interesting thing, at least for me. i didnt know i had lost it.
and the church im going to more now spoke impossible over the new year. and i took it. shoot, i wanna have my eyes more open to all the impossible stuff God does that i dont see, but i also am asking for more from him. not necessarily directly to me. although i wouldnt deny it at all!
marriage some- no. thats not a true statement. the truth is, starting a relationship seems impossible sometimes. there are other things that feel impossible, like taking aart classes and being super impactful/ getting to know the kids in my complex, and feeling like an adult.
im serious.
having my buget work out feels sketchy too.[forgot that one] anyway. enough about me. id like to rejoice with others in the impossible things that come about directly related to them- i love rejoicing with people. i like crying with them too. hm. havent had much of that lately. but, seasons. its all good.
im super comfy at my new apt. i love it. and i can sleep just as well with the noise here, as i did at the old place and no noise, so whateva and boo ya, loud people. i actually enjoy praying over you when youre angry/ crying, and happy for you when theres laughter.
funny though, my parents didnt seem to comfy. maybe cuz there was a bunch of boxes and messiness. and my dad apparently wasnt too into the red walls. maybe its too much for certain guys? well, in his defense there was nothing on the walls. it mightve been a bit much visually, with no breaks. my family is pretty visual. we're all awesome artsy. i digress.
or do i? i thought i was going to go back to a specific point, but none came. hm. lets see....joy, kinda talked about that- oh, well, in relation to that[ it is related for me, even if it doesnt seem so] ive been doing a study. its called In My Father's House. specifically looks at a girls relationship to her (f)Fathers. its really good. going through grace group, i kinda knew some of the things she was saying, but its worded differently and looking at shifting the father paradigm into a perfect place, where its supposed to be when dealing with Daddy. i keep being reminded. i expect things from people they cant give. men especially. in this instance, my father. i should have expected perfection [what was perfection in my mind as a little girl] from him. but now, being older, and expecting perfection- what am i setting him up for?!? complete failure in my eyes. yes, there are things that i should require from him. but the rest- this is what im talking about. why do i expect him, when he comes christmas eve, to help me do man-put-together- things? when i didnt even ask him, or mention it? and then i mention casually what id like done, and am disappointed when he doesnt pick up on it. whatever heather.
so Gentle Healer reaches in and touches that. ow. okay. keep talking and touching, so that i can listen and feel.
somehow, this "revelation" is going to expand into my friendships, guy and girl, and every day interactions. i just know it. and its scarey. because then conversations will be had.
thats all i got. im gonna have some hot chocolate and cookies now.