Impossible Joy

these are two words God has given for the new year, and they fit together quite nicely- yay!

reclaiming joy is an interesting thing, at least for me. i didnt know i had lost it.
and the church im going to more now spoke impossible over the new year. and i took it. shoot, i wanna have my eyes more open to all the impossible stuff God does that i dont see, but i also am asking for more from him. not necessarily directly to me. although i wouldnt deny it at all!
marriage some- no. thats not a true statement. the truth is, starting a relationship seems impossible sometimes. there are other things that feel impossible, like taking aart classes and being super impactful/ getting to know the kids in my complex, and feeling like an adult.
im serious.
having my buget work out feels sketchy too.[forgot that one] anyway. enough about me. id like to rejoice with others in the impossible things that come about directly related to them- i love rejoicing with people. i like crying with them too. hm. havent had much of that lately. but, seasons. its all good.
im super comfy at my new apt. i love it. and i can sleep just as well with the noise here, as i did at the old place and no noise, so whateva and boo ya, loud people. i actually enjoy praying over you when youre angry/ crying, and happy for you when theres laughter.
funny though, my parents didnt seem to comfy. maybe cuz there was a bunch of boxes and messiness. and my dad apparently wasnt too into the red walls. maybe its too much for certain guys? well, in his defense there was nothing on the walls. it mightve been a bit much visually, with no breaks. my family is pretty visual. we're all awesome artsy. i digress.
or do i? i thought i was going to go back to a specific point, but none came. hm. lets see....joy, kinda talked about that- oh, well, in relation to that[ it is related for me, even if it doesnt seem so] ive been doing a study. its called In My Father's House. specifically looks at a girls relationship to her (f)Fathers. its really good. going through grace group, i kinda knew some of the things she was saying, but its worded differently and looking at shifting the father paradigm into a perfect place, where its supposed to be when dealing with Daddy. i keep being reminded. i expect things from people they cant give. men especially. in this instance, my father. i should have expected perfection [what was perfection in my mind as a little girl] from him. but now, being older, and expecting perfection- what am i setting him up for?!? complete failure in my eyes. yes, there are things that i should require from him. but the rest- this is what im talking about. why do i expect him, when he comes christmas eve, to help me do man-put-together- things? when i didnt even ask him, or mention it? and then i mention casually what id like done, and am disappointed when he doesnt pick up on it. whatever heather.
so Gentle Healer reaches in and touches that. ow. okay. keep talking and touching, so that i can listen and feel.
somehow, this "revelation" is going to expand into my friendships, guy and girl, and every day interactions. i just know it. and its scarey. because then conversations will be had.
thats all i got. im gonna have some hot chocolate and cookies now.