yay! its still farily early, considering i went to bed later this weekend.
i had a LOVELY time with my most favorite friend- that- gets- mistaken- for - a- sister, shelles.
it was such a blessing to stay in her parents house this weekend and relax.
had great tea, good convo, some digging [thanks, g and s], and mostly rest.
im even thankful for the sinus crud that happened after the bits of soul unearthing. it helped me just to sit in my newfound gems and rocks.
i'll stop being so vague.
i kinda started complaining about someone i end up taking care of, g showed me theres actually alot more manipulation there than i thought, she encouraged me to stop being responsible and showed me a link to my grandma that had slipped out of my mouth. so im wondering what being a really, truely loving friend would look like, and how in the HECK to be a true, loving, and safe granddaughter, when i cant clearly see the barbs of the manipulation.
im scared to "cut off" or confront and name manipul;ation. people usually dont take kindly to being told theyre manipulating. they usually end up manipulating after being told, so as to prove they didnt manipulate. i know, i used to do it alot more than i do now.
having thoughts about me allowing unhealthy things around me, made me realize how many people manipulate so easily. i can think of (in my girlfriend circles) maybe 2 or 3 friends that dont use manipulation on me on a regular basis. guy friends do it less, if ever, thank God.
im blown away.
how timely for this to come up right before grace group starts. this is the beginning of me asking for one on one time to unpack things on a regular basis. im going to take care of myself mo betta, gosh dang it!
something else that was brought to the surface. i like to stuff down the important aspects of it really, and complain on all the ditzy girl levels. s brought up a number of times what she needs in her husband.
she knows what she needs, and shes starting to look for it. and she'll [kindly, of course ] shut down offers of boys in search of her man. i know somewhat of what i think i need. mostly because i think i dont understand parts of myself,and what those parts need in compliment. which is okay.
she didnt have it all figured out, but she had like, 3 major points.
i agreed with them strongly. but can they really be mine? or are they just really great points?
i have a feeling my "top 3" would be slightly different, even just in the placement or wording.

and all this took me to my horrible penchant of expecting men to be perfect, and creating some god- man that doesnt exist.
i keep knifin' that thing in the heart, men of the universe(that includes yall, gorgeous man friends)- some day it will die, and i will love all of you for who you are and not who i imagine you to be.
hm. just had a thought. i should give that knife to God. dont really enjoy that concept...whats truth really look like in all of that? ive only had my make believe so far...