there are some thoughts that have been in my head for a long time. i keep excusing them, because somewhere along the line i was conditioned, or just believed through some situational osmosis, that some of the things i want are silly and dont really matter.
but it keeps coming up. and its become more and more annoying. im realizing there are deeper implications to all of this.
so let me get a floodlight on the topic.
Gods been speaking to me on alot of points, but one is expectations. and having them in relationship with people. i deserve to expect certain things from people that i call my friends.
im going to ask my friends that read my blog to fulfill some expectations.
i want to clarify that you are not doing anything wrong. i enjoy the friendships that i have with each one of you and am thankful that we can stay in contact with each others' lives this way.
i am a huge word person. if you know me at all, i dont think this needs much explaination. ok, im gonna try to be brief . this is what i desire.
response. i really need to hear that i have been heard. not being heard is a very deep wound for me.
this is my hope for the friends i have. this is what im asking for.
-that i could be informed when a blog is read. i need this. you dont have to write anything. its not a paranoid thing, or anything selfish. i can spiral into dispair pretty easily when i put my heart out there, and no one "catches" it. some blogs are very superficial, and its okay if theres not an "i heard this" comment posted. but like my previous [long] post, if you read it, you walked around in some very tender places. if you read it and didnt respond, it was like you had cleats on.
this probably does sound like a reprimand. its not, though[well, maybe for tim it is! i asked you twice now if you could respond to me, dude. im forgiving you.].
but its not a reprimand to those who didnt know.
if this leaves you with questions, or makes you mad, or whatever, and you want to chat more, please lemme know. expectations are a big deal, and we should have standards. there is more to this, there are "roots" shooting off of this whole idea, what we should expect in the body of believers, etc. theres a whole conversation here, if anyone wants to have one.
-
23 January 2010
20 January 2010
i feel full from all the blogs ive just read.
and, im stuffing in some girl scout cookies. tagalongs. mmmm.
no, no, seriously. im distinctly feeling the weight of our lives.
...........
:: and im eating cookies::
--shh! quit being distracting!
--what! im just telling them how much i enjoy peanut butter
-- but you always put in random thoughts, and then my typing is super random stream of consious that no one can follow well. it makes me tired to fight you. can you just eat your cookies and be quiet? for this blog?
--.......
--what. WHAT.
--theyre gonna think youre crazier than they already do. look at you. youre talking to yourself.
nono, FIGHTING with yourself.
-- :
hey! dont you just LOVE peanut butter and chocolate together!?
--OMGOSH yes! its- grrr. stop trying to distract me.
-- you really tend to focus on the topic at hand when you think you might win. can you pay attention to the blog im about to write, make notes, and we can debate later? hmmm???you know you want to.
-- .......
i think i can give you about 10 minutes. cant really promise anything after that.
--fine. starts now.
geeez, its almost like putting a kid to bed. and no, im not really crazy. im just full.
sometimes i have to let go of some of my imagination to stay on track, and thats pretty paradoxical because the control that it gives me doesnt look like control to other people.
my day went well. i love God. i was reminded by him that i have a huge place of ministry at my work. the people i spend all my days with- they need him. they need what i have by his grace. i thank the giver of answers- he answers all the time. and it makes him happy when we ask his heart. makes me happy too, when i find myself in his heart and not wanting anything else!
its so beautiful here and full of joy.
i asked some fears to be taken away.
im wondering, when fear is gone in me, can other people sense that? or does that just make me more comfortable, and in turn they feel more at ease?
im thinking about these things because ive been talking out of my "sloshy" at work.
sloshy cup- i just made it up. when he fills you and it spills over.
there are some people at work that God has sealed. i see it on them. they want him. theyre afraid and hurt though.
its taken me about 3 yrs to get to the place with them where theyre really starting to hear his love. God have mercy. it couldve been a shorter time. it couldve been longer. it actually might. i rest in his perfection that spites our attempts.
perfect timing is one of those mysteries im willing to never understand. i like the awe and excitement.
--(i keep expecting you to jump in. youre kinda quiet.)
--i like this story. dont stop.
so, i guess i'll give a glimpse. well, maybe its more of a blinding flash, of whats brought on this contemplation about whats going on at work. death, or potential death, or even knowing its close: it rends our hearts. i think you readers probably already knew this. we are having a rending. a lady at work that everyone loves basically is leaving to live with her son, his wife, and grandchildren in dallas and slowly die of liver disease; shes been given about 5 years, and the next step is dementia. [did i spell that correctly?] shes already admitted to some memory loss and the doctor's suggesting she stop driving as much as possible.
her grandkids are young, and theres a problem with losing your mind. you can get mean. and you can become unsafe.
shes a christian, and shes okay with dying. we talked today about how awesome it will be to see each other again. that was a neat and kinda surreal rejoicing of our spirits.
actual reality doesnt make sense in this world sometimes. im pretty baffled at our hope, actually. we knew we were talking about her death and there was hope. joy, even. it felt almost ecstatic. peaceful ecstasy.
i kinda dont know how to hold that.
---psshh! kinda?!
--ah, welcome... the death stuff too much for you?
--nooo, the minimization.
-- fine. do you think you could be quiet for longer? ive loved the focus.
--hm. i could try.
--thanks. youve been really compliant tonight, i appreciate that.
--it was the cookies.
peaceful ecstacy. its too much. i mean, did God just SERIOUSLY give me a glimpse of heaven? too much, too much.
and it makes me settle into another thought. im getting older. people may start dying on me sooner than id like. i heard this lady in a coffee shop near my apts
--ooh! that is awesome and i love! yall should totally go sometime, but it - oh, sorry.
--woah! you stopped yourself! im in awe. just for that, finish the thought. this is turning into a long blog anyway.
--:D - so they have weird hours. its like, m-f, 10 to 4. but yay! we can go on friday! which i love, we can totally wake up in the morning- i already have it planned out- go running a bit, [ well, maybe; that might have to have an hour or 2 in between] then go, relax and read a book...they have bands show up, and they have food....yay yay !
thank you, im done. and yes, i' ll give you some more "quiet time"
ok, so in the shop near my apt there was a group of ladies, midlife, and i [ thanks to the part of me yall have been officially introduced to tonight] overheard one of them mention that her mother died when she was 23 or something.
my heart dropped. i cant imagine anyone dying right now. but the probability of that drastically increases as each year passes.
it also makes me think about the flip side. i cant visiualize my parents being great-grandparents, or even just getting older than 75. i know that may sound weird, esp since my grandma is just there, but i really cant.
i want them to stay virile.
i dont want to have to take care of my parents.[ this may sound harsh, but im crying]
i dont want to see my list-making mom forget where her notepad is, or my active dad sitting on the couch dozing off to a surfing video because he cant get out there anymore.
today one of the girls whose heart keeps getting more tender to our Daddy God was crying pretty heavily about the gravity and implications of the memory loss, and the effect thats going to have on the family. i was able to be comforting and grounding for her in that moment. maybe she'll have time to hear my thoughts tomorrow. id like to do more life with her.
-- ok, can i just say i HATE how these tears have felt recently?? if theres any medical implication, please let me know. it feels like im cutting onions EVERY TIME. i cant remember the last time i cried when it felt regular! so, its been a couple months now at least. sheesh. :: could it be sinus related? but ive had sinus trouble my whole life, and this hasnt been common::
omg. what if its like asbestos in the air in my new old apt? o.O
there could be particles from all the holes ive made to hang stuff on the walls...
friends, i think im done. theres some other things i was going to write about, but they seem inconsequential right now. and since my silly half has actually stayed on topic, and doesnt have anything burning on her fingertips to write, i will leave at that.
im in a good place. i think the tagalongs are wearing off and its time for bed anyway.
and, im stuffing in some girl scout cookies. tagalongs. mmmm.
no, no, seriously. im distinctly feeling the weight of our lives.
...........
:: and im eating cookies::
--shh! quit being distracting!
--what! im just telling them how much i enjoy peanut butter
-- but you always put in random thoughts, and then my typing is super random stream of consious that no one can follow well. it makes me tired to fight you. can you just eat your cookies and be quiet? for this blog?
--.......
--what. WHAT.
--theyre gonna think youre crazier than they already do. look at you. youre talking to yourself.
nono, FIGHTING with yourself.
-- :
hey! dont you just LOVE peanut butter and chocolate together!?
--OMGOSH yes! its- grrr. stop trying to distract me.
-- you really tend to focus on the topic at hand when you think you might win. can you pay attention to the blog im about to write, make notes, and we can debate later? hmmm???you know you want to.
-- .......
i think i can give you about 10 minutes. cant really promise anything after that.
--fine. starts now.
geeez, its almost like putting a kid to bed. and no, im not really crazy. im just full.
sometimes i have to let go of some of my imagination to stay on track, and thats pretty paradoxical because the control that it gives me doesnt look like control to other people.
my day went well. i love God. i was reminded by him that i have a huge place of ministry at my work. the people i spend all my days with- they need him. they need what i have by his grace. i thank the giver of answers- he answers all the time. and it makes him happy when we ask his heart. makes me happy too, when i find myself in his heart and not wanting anything else!
its so beautiful here and full of joy.
i asked some fears to be taken away.
im wondering, when fear is gone in me, can other people sense that? or does that just make me more comfortable, and in turn they feel more at ease?
im thinking about these things because ive been talking out of my "sloshy" at work.
sloshy cup- i just made it up. when he fills you and it spills over.
there are some people at work that God has sealed. i see it on them. they want him. theyre afraid and hurt though.
its taken me about 3 yrs to get to the place with them where theyre really starting to hear his love. God have mercy. it couldve been a shorter time. it couldve been longer. it actually might. i rest in his perfection that spites our attempts.
perfect timing is one of those mysteries im willing to never understand. i like the awe and excitement.
--(i keep expecting you to jump in. youre kinda quiet.)
--i like this story. dont stop.
so, i guess i'll give a glimpse. well, maybe its more of a blinding flash, of whats brought on this contemplation about whats going on at work. death, or potential death, or even knowing its close: it rends our hearts. i think you readers probably already knew this. we are having a rending. a lady at work that everyone loves basically is leaving to live with her son, his wife, and grandchildren in dallas and slowly die of liver disease; shes been given about 5 years, and the next step is dementia. [did i spell that correctly?] shes already admitted to some memory loss and the doctor's suggesting she stop driving as much as possible.
her grandkids are young, and theres a problem with losing your mind. you can get mean. and you can become unsafe.
shes a christian, and shes okay with dying. we talked today about how awesome it will be to see each other again. that was a neat and kinda surreal rejoicing of our spirits.
actual reality doesnt make sense in this world sometimes. im pretty baffled at our hope, actually. we knew we were talking about her death and there was hope. joy, even. it felt almost ecstatic. peaceful ecstasy.
i kinda dont know how to hold that.
---psshh! kinda?!
--ah, welcome... the death stuff too much for you?
--nooo, the minimization.
-- fine. do you think you could be quiet for longer? ive loved the focus.
--hm. i could try.
--thanks. youve been really compliant tonight, i appreciate that.
--it was the cookies.
peaceful ecstacy. its too much. i mean, did God just SERIOUSLY give me a glimpse of heaven? too much, too much.
and it makes me settle into another thought. im getting older. people may start dying on me sooner than id like. i heard this lady in a coffee shop near my apts
--ooh! that is awesome and i love! yall should totally go sometime, but it - oh, sorry.
--woah! you stopped yourself! im in awe. just for that, finish the thought. this is turning into a long blog anyway.
--:D - so they have weird hours. its like, m-f, 10 to 4. but yay! we can go on friday! which i love, we can totally wake up in the morning- i already have it planned out- go running a bit, [ well, maybe; that might have to have an hour or 2 in between] then go, relax and read a book...they have bands show up, and they have food....yay yay !
thank you, im done. and yes, i' ll give you some more "quiet time"
ok, so in the shop near my apt there was a group of ladies, midlife, and i [ thanks to the part of me yall have been officially introduced to tonight] overheard one of them mention that her mother died when she was 23 or something.
my heart dropped. i cant imagine anyone dying right now. but the probability of that drastically increases as each year passes.
it also makes me think about the flip side. i cant visiualize my parents being great-grandparents, or even just getting older than 75. i know that may sound weird, esp since my grandma is just there, but i really cant.
i want them to stay virile.
i dont want to have to take care of my parents.[ this may sound harsh, but im crying]
i dont want to see my list-making mom forget where her notepad is, or my active dad sitting on the couch dozing off to a surfing video because he cant get out there anymore.
today one of the girls whose heart keeps getting more tender to our Daddy God was crying pretty heavily about the gravity and implications of the memory loss, and the effect thats going to have on the family. i was able to be comforting and grounding for her in that moment. maybe she'll have time to hear my thoughts tomorrow. id like to do more life with her.
-- ok, can i just say i HATE how these tears have felt recently?? if theres any medical implication, please let me know. it feels like im cutting onions EVERY TIME. i cant remember the last time i cried when it felt regular! so, its been a couple months now at least. sheesh. :: could it be sinus related? but ive had sinus trouble my whole life, and this hasnt been common::
omg. what if its like asbestos in the air in my new old apt? o.O
there could be particles from all the holes ive made to hang stuff on the walls...
friends, i think im done. theres some other things i was going to write about, but they seem inconsequential right now. and since my silly half has actually stayed on topic, and doesnt have anything burning on her fingertips to write, i will leave at that.
im in a good place. i think the tagalongs are wearing off and its time for bed anyway.
13 January 2010
today
i dislike going to work earlier than normal, because every time i do, everything seems to go crazified.
this morning i saw 10 patients, which is pretty normal, another hygienist saw 8, still normal- and the third saw 3. THREE . in a 7-11:30 time frame.
i dont normally count or care, but when theres a family of 4, and i do 2, and the assistant tells me k is seeing one, and will come see another, and then never even shows her face- i dunno. kinda gets me mad. there was an inordinate amount of screaming today too.
thank you JesusGodHolySpiritFather for imparting love for the children and families to me. otherwise i mightve started-
i dont know.
there was a kid today that was so flipped out he couldnt even focus on what we were saying long enough to understand that i had a regular little toothbrush in my hand. he didnt even want to watch me use this little brush on my finger to show him that it was soft.
kids get into a crazy freaked out place in their head sometimes and you just cant reach them. its fine, i can work around it, but its weird and i wish i could follow them in their head. speak in their language. theres another kid that was understanding and listening, but mom thinks hes on the spectrum, because he cries at any change at all. she says the wind will blow too hard in the opposite way all the sudden and he starts crying. it was pretty intense. he watched me play with some of the instruments, and i thought that was going great, but mom was all like, im sorry! i was telling her it was fine, and i want him to get used to things more, and find a routine for himself. she was so worn out anyway- super pregnant and helping me hold him still... he had pushed pretty hard on his future recipient of torture. that kids gonna be prepared for anything.
i wanted to tell her she was amazing and what gifting God had given her. i knew she would not take it as a compliment. i bet she doesnt see her extreme patience through this firing as a beautful thing. she didnt seem like she has that outlook. could i have shed some light on the truth? shoot. prrobably. and i didnt.
mostly i felt at a loss to give her any shred of encouragement about her son- wait. never mind.. she wasnt hearing it. she wasnt in a place to be able to converse with me. i think she was so tired and maybe ashamed about her son, that she hasnt been able to figure him out, hasnt been able to find ways to make things "work"
- thats what made me feel at such a loss.
then there was the family at the end. the oldest needs crowns on permanent teeth!!!! which kills us because the family has just been lax in getting treatment done. and theres 5 kids. only one doesnt need treatment. the littlest one is maybe 4 and he has the worst teeth- it killed me to brush his teeth. you take plaque away from covering teeth that decayed, and it opens them up to more sensitivity. poor little guy doesnt know what its like to not have pain, and the sad part is, he doesnt even know hes in pain. little kids dont know any different. he was so helpful with all we wanted to do today, and he was so DONE at the end. did not want to let someone else look at his teeth again, didnt want to lay down again. my heart understood him, cuz i was done too.
its not a good idea to put notes in peoples charts when youre tired. [dan, try to finish your notes in the moment. going back later is bad] mostly you just want to go away and youll shorten sentences and it starts not making sense, and/or youll start spilling your bad attitude into the notes and have these tourettes urges to say horrible things about the patient, family, and your coworkers.
i had to ask God on the way home to just stop my negativity in its tracks. it was on a banshee track to - i dont know where. somewhere bad and unproductive and full of tense muscles and acid reflux.
while i was waiting for my baked potato tonight i hung more stuff- my room looks a bit more cozy now. i just have 3 or 4 more small things to hang, and then i can focus on some organization, and the next thing you know, ill be having people over again. a housewarming party will be in the works soon. and it will literally get warm in here if more than 5 people come!
this morning i saw 10 patients, which is pretty normal, another hygienist saw 8, still normal- and the third saw 3. THREE . in a 7-11:30 time frame.
i dont normally count or care, but when theres a family of 4, and i do 2, and the assistant tells me k is seeing one, and will come see another, and then never even shows her face- i dunno. kinda gets me mad. there was an inordinate amount of screaming today too.
thank you JesusGodHolySpiritFather for imparting love for the children and families to me. otherwise i mightve started-
i dont know.
there was a kid today that was so flipped out he couldnt even focus on what we were saying long enough to understand that i had a regular little toothbrush in my hand. he didnt even want to watch me use this little brush on my finger to show him that it was soft.
kids get into a crazy freaked out place in their head sometimes and you just cant reach them. its fine, i can work around it, but its weird and i wish i could follow them in their head. speak in their language. theres another kid that was understanding and listening, but mom thinks hes on the spectrum, because he cries at any change at all. she says the wind will blow too hard in the opposite way all the sudden and he starts crying. it was pretty intense. he watched me play with some of the instruments, and i thought that was going great, but mom was all like, im sorry! i was telling her it was fine, and i want him to get used to things more, and find a routine for himself. she was so worn out anyway- super pregnant and helping me hold him still... he had pushed pretty hard on his future recipient of torture. that kids gonna be prepared for anything.
i wanted to tell her she was amazing and what gifting God had given her. i knew she would not take it as a compliment. i bet she doesnt see her extreme patience through this firing as a beautful thing. she didnt seem like she has that outlook. could i have shed some light on the truth? shoot. prrobably. and i didnt.
mostly i felt at a loss to give her any shred of encouragement about her son- wait. never mind.. she wasnt hearing it. she wasnt in a place to be able to converse with me. i think she was so tired and maybe ashamed about her son, that she hasnt been able to figure him out, hasnt been able to find ways to make things "work"
- thats what made me feel at such a loss.
then there was the family at the end. the oldest needs crowns on permanent teeth!!!! which kills us because the family has just been lax in getting treatment done. and theres 5 kids. only one doesnt need treatment. the littlest one is maybe 4 and he has the worst teeth- it killed me to brush his teeth. you take plaque away from covering teeth that decayed, and it opens them up to more sensitivity. poor little guy doesnt know what its like to not have pain, and the sad part is, he doesnt even know hes in pain. little kids dont know any different. he was so helpful with all we wanted to do today, and he was so DONE at the end. did not want to let someone else look at his teeth again, didnt want to lay down again. my heart understood him, cuz i was done too.
its not a good idea to put notes in peoples charts when youre tired. [dan, try to finish your notes in the moment. going back later is bad] mostly you just want to go away and youll shorten sentences and it starts not making sense, and/or youll start spilling your bad attitude into the notes and have these tourettes urges to say horrible things about the patient, family, and your coworkers.
i had to ask God on the way home to just stop my negativity in its tracks. it was on a banshee track to - i dont know where. somewhere bad and unproductive and full of tense muscles and acid reflux.
while i was waiting for my baked potato tonight i hung more stuff- my room looks a bit more cozy now. i just have 3 or 4 more small things to hang, and then i can focus on some organization, and the next thing you know, ill be having people over again. a housewarming party will be in the works soon. and it will literally get warm in here if more than 5 people come!
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