today

i dislike going to work earlier than normal, because every time i do, everything seems to go crazified.
this morning i saw 10 patients, which is pretty normal, another hygienist saw 8, still normal- and the third saw 3. THREE . in a 7-11:30 time frame.
i dont normally count or care, but when theres a family of 4, and i do 2, and the assistant tells me k is seeing one, and will come see another, and then never even shows her face- i dunno. kinda gets me mad. there was an inordinate amount of screaming today too.
thank you JesusGodHolySpiritFather for imparting love for the children and families to me. otherwise i mightve started-
i dont know.
there was a kid today that was so flipped out he couldnt even focus on what we were saying long enough to understand that i had a regular little toothbrush in my hand. he didnt even want to watch me use this little brush on my finger to show him that it was soft.
kids get into a crazy freaked out place in their head sometimes and you just cant reach them. its fine, i can work around it, but its weird and i wish i could follow them in their head. speak in their language. theres another kid that was understanding and listening, but mom thinks hes on the spectrum, because he cries at any change at all. she says the wind will blow too hard in the opposite way all the sudden and he starts crying. it was pretty intense. he watched me play with some of the instruments, and i thought that was going great, but mom was all like, im sorry! i was telling her it was fine, and i want him to get used to things more, and find a routine for himself. she was so worn out anyway- super pregnant and helping me hold him still... he had pushed pretty hard on his future recipient of torture. that kids gonna be prepared for anything.
i wanted to tell her she was amazing and what gifting God had given her. i knew she would not take it as a compliment. i bet she doesnt see her extreme patience through this firing as a beautful thing. she didnt seem like she has that outlook. could i have shed some light on the truth? shoot. prrobably. and i didnt.
mostly i felt at a loss to give her any shred of encouragement about her son- wait. never mind.. she wasnt hearing it. she wasnt in a place to be able to converse with me. i think she was so tired and maybe ashamed about her son, that she hasnt been able to figure him out, hasnt been able to find ways to make things "work"
- thats what made me feel at such a loss.
then there was the family at the end. the oldest needs crowns on permanent teeth!!!! which kills us because the family has just been lax in getting treatment done. and theres 5 kids. only one doesnt need treatment. the littlest one is maybe 4 and he has the worst teeth- it killed me to brush his teeth. you take plaque away from covering teeth that decayed, and it opens them up to more sensitivity. poor little guy doesnt know what its like to not have pain, and the sad part is, he doesnt even know hes in pain. little kids dont know any different. he was so helpful with all we wanted to do today, and he was so DONE at the end. did not want to let someone else look at his teeth again, didnt want to lay down again. my heart understood him, cuz i was done too.
its not a good idea to put notes in peoples charts when youre tired. [dan, try to finish your notes in the moment. going back later is bad] mostly you just want to go away and youll shorten sentences and it starts not making sense, and/or youll start spilling your bad attitude into the notes and have these tourettes urges to say horrible things about the patient, family, and your coworkers.
i had to ask God on the way home to just stop my negativity in its tracks. it was on a banshee track to - i dont know where. somewhere bad and unproductive and full of tense muscles and acid reflux.

while i was waiting for my baked potato tonight i hung more stuff- my room looks a bit more cozy now. i just have 3 or 4 more small things to hang, and then i can focus on some organization, and the next thing you know, ill be having people over again. a housewarming party will be in the works soon. and it will literally get warm in here if more than 5 people come!