i feel full from all the blogs ive just read.

and, im stuffing in some girl scout cookies. tagalongs. mmmm.

no, no, seriously. im distinctly feeling the weight of our lives.

...........

:: and im eating cookies::
--shh! quit being distracting!

--what! im just telling them how much i enjoy peanut butter

-- but you always put in random thoughts, and then my typing is super random stream of consious that no one can follow well. it makes me tired to fight you. can you just eat your cookies and be quiet? for this blog?

--.......

--what. WHAT.

--theyre gonna think youre crazier than they already do. look at you. youre talking to yourself.
nono, FIGHTING with yourself.

-- :
hey! dont you just LOVE peanut butter and chocolate together!?

--OMGOSH yes! its- grrr. stop trying to distract me.

-- you really tend to focus on the topic at hand when you think you might win. can you pay attention to the blog im about to write, make notes, and we can debate later? hmmm???you know you want to.

-- .......
i think i can give you about 10 minutes. cant really promise anything after that.

--fine. starts now.

geeez, its almost like putting a kid to bed. and no, im not really crazy. im just full.
sometimes i have to let go of some of my imagination to stay on track, and thats pretty paradoxical because the control that it gives me doesnt look like control to other people.

my day went well. i love God. i was reminded by him that i have a huge place of ministry at my work. the people i spend all my days with- they need him. they need what i have by his grace. i thank the giver of answers- he answers all the time. and it makes him happy when we ask his heart. makes me happy too, when i find myself in his heart and not wanting anything else!
its so beautiful here and full of joy.
i asked some fears to be taken away.
im wondering, when fear is gone in me, can other people sense that? or does that just make me more comfortable, and in turn they feel more at ease?
im thinking about these things because ive been talking out of my "sloshy" at work.
sloshy cup- i just made it up. when he fills you and it spills over.
there are some people at work that God has sealed. i see it on them. they want him. theyre afraid and hurt though.
its taken me about 3 yrs to get to the place with them where theyre really starting to hear his love. God have mercy. it couldve been a shorter time. it couldve been longer. it actually might. i rest in his perfection that spites our attempts.
perfect timing is one of those mysteries im willing to never understand. i like the awe and excitement.
--(i keep expecting you to jump in. youre kinda quiet.)

--i like this story. dont stop.

so, i guess i'll give a glimpse. well, maybe its more of a blinding flash, of whats brought on this contemplation about whats going on at work. death, or potential death, or even knowing its close: it rends our hearts. i think you readers probably already knew this. we are having a rending. a lady at work that everyone loves basically is leaving to live with her son, his wife, and grandchildren in dallas and slowly die of liver disease; shes been given about 5 years, and the next step is dementia. [did i spell that correctly?] shes already admitted to some memory loss and the doctor's suggesting she stop driving as much as possible.
her grandkids are young, and theres a problem with losing your mind. you can get mean. and you can become unsafe.
shes a christian, and shes okay with dying. we talked today about how awesome it will be to see each other again. that was a neat and kinda surreal rejoicing of our spirits.
actual reality doesnt make sense in this world sometimes. im pretty baffled at our hope, actually. we knew we were talking about her death and there was hope. joy, even. it felt almost ecstatic. peaceful ecstasy.
i kinda dont know how to hold that.

---psshh! kinda?!

--ah, welcome... the death stuff too much for you?

--nooo, the minimization.

-- fine. do you think you could be quiet for longer? ive loved the focus.

--hm. i could try.

--thanks. youve been really compliant tonight, i appreciate that.

--it was the cookies.

peaceful ecstacy. its too much. i mean, did God just SERIOUSLY give me a glimpse of heaven? too much, too much.
and it makes me settle into another thought. im getting older. people may start dying on me sooner than id like. i heard this lady in a coffee shop near my apts

--ooh! that is awesome and i love! yall should totally go sometime, but it - oh, sorry.

--woah! you stopped yourself! im in awe. just for that, finish the thought. this is turning into a long blog anyway.

--:D - so they have weird hours. its like, m-f, 10 to 4. but yay! we can go on friday! which i love, we can totally wake up in the morning- i already have it planned out- go running a bit, [ well, maybe; that might have to have an hour or 2 in between] then go, relax and read a book...they have bands show up, and they have food....yay yay !
thank you, im done. and yes, i' ll give you some more "quiet time"

ok, so in the shop near my apt there was a group of ladies, midlife, and i [ thanks to the part of me yall have been officially introduced to tonight] overheard one of them mention that her mother died when she was 23 or something.
my heart dropped. i cant imagine anyone dying right now. but the probability of that drastically increases as each year passes.
it also makes me think about the flip side. i cant visiualize my parents being great-grandparents, or even just getting older than 75. i know that may sound weird, esp since my grandma is just there, but i really cant.
i want them to stay virile.
i dont want to have to take care of my parents.[ this may sound harsh, but im crying]
i dont want to see my list-making mom forget where her notepad is, or my active dad sitting on the couch dozing off to a surfing video because he cant get out there anymore.

today one of the girls whose heart keeps getting more tender to our Daddy God was crying pretty heavily about the gravity and implications of the memory loss, and the effect thats going to have on the family. i was able to be comforting and grounding for her in that moment. maybe she'll have time to hear my thoughts tomorrow. id like to do more life with her.

-- ok, can i just say i HATE how these tears have felt recently?? if theres any medical implication, please let me know. it feels like im cutting onions EVERY TIME. i cant remember the last time i cried when it felt regular! so, its been a couple months now at least. sheesh. :: could it be sinus related? but ive had sinus trouble my whole life, and this hasnt been common::
omg. what if its like asbestos in the air in my new old apt? o.O
there could be particles from all the holes ive made to hang stuff on the walls...

friends, i think im done. theres some other things i was going to write about, but they seem inconsequential right now. and since my silly half has actually stayed on topic, and doesnt have anything burning on her fingertips to write, i will leave at that.
im in a good place. i think the tagalongs are wearing off and its time for bed anyway.