there are some thoughts that have been in my head for a long time. i keep excusing them, because somewhere along the line i was conditioned, or just believed through some situational osmosis, that some of the things i want are silly and dont really matter.
but it keeps coming up. and its become more and more annoying. im realizing there are deeper implications to all of this.
so let me get a floodlight on the topic.
Gods been speaking to me on alot of points, but one is expectations. and having them in relationship with people. i deserve to expect certain things from people that i call my friends.
im going to ask my friends that read my blog to fulfill some expectations.
i want to clarify that you are not doing anything wrong. i enjoy the friendships that i have with each one of you and am thankful that we can stay in contact with each others' lives this way.
i am a huge word person. if you know me at all, i dont think this needs much explaination. ok, im gonna try to be brief . this is what i desire.
response. i really need to hear that i have been heard. not being heard is a very deep wound for me.
this is my hope for the friends i have. this is what im asking for.
-that i could be informed when a blog is read. i need this. you dont have to write anything. its not a paranoid thing, or anything selfish. i can spiral into dispair pretty easily when i put my heart out there, and no one "catches" it. some blogs are very superficial, and its okay if theres not an "i heard this" comment posted. but like my previous [long] post, if you read it, you walked around in some very tender places. if you read it and didnt respond, it was like you had cleats on.
this probably does sound like a reprimand. its not, though[well, maybe for tim it is! i asked you twice now if you could respond to me, dude. im forgiving you.].
but its not a reprimand to those who didnt know.
if this leaves you with questions, or makes you mad, or whatever, and you want to chat more, please lemme know. expectations are a big deal, and we should have standards. there is more to this, there are "roots" shooting off of this whole idea, what we should expect in the body of believers, etc. theres a whole conversation here, if anyone wants to have one.
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Disclaimer: I catch up on reading blogs - including yours - AT BEST, once every 2 or 3 weeks (when I have a big chunk of time.) Your blog is sometimes hard to read, as you openly admit, but lately your thoughts are becoming clearer and less vague to me. So this is my official "comment" for the last several entries you have posted (in no particular, order - sorry!) You are much better at posting regularly than I am!
ReplyDeleteI love tagalongs... they really are awesome.
On ministry in your workplace: I love how perceptive you are in your job. Your coworkers are priviledged to work side-by-side with you. You are authentic. You discern people beyond what they'd normally allow in a deep friendship - you see past any pretense or facade they put up.
On healthy friendships and love: First of all, I hope I'm not one of the unnamed "manipulative" friends. Healthy relationships of any kind involve the discipline of giving, sacrifice, gratitude, and service. Mutual submission is another element (particularly in a marriage relationship), and it reflects incredibe holiness and joy especially within the context of marriage. Speaking of which, I've been reading a book called "Sacred Marriage" that puts an interesting perspective on marriage in the context of becoming more like Jesus - sanctified, holy, using marriage as a tool to grow closer to (and more like) God - thereby pleasing Him, rather than merely pleasing oneself or one's mate. Before reading this book, I didn't realize how unChristlike I am, and at the same time, this book helps me see how much I have grown without realizing it.
Reclaiming Joy - I liked this post... when you brought those letters from Montreal/Texas from 2004, I was amazed at how differently I viewed life then & now. I wonder what you thought about as you read words written by your past self. We were both more naive, less mature, but overall passionate & happy seekers of God. I seemed happier. I felt challenged today (in 2010) to reclaim that joy and gratitude that seemed to permeate my life in that season, way back when, even though I felt more emotionally unsteady THEN than I do now. I wanted to ask you your thoughts on what has changed in you and me since that time (after you read the letters)
On death of parents: I think about this more now that I am a parent than I did before. It makes me sad to think of them gone... it makes me sadder to think of one of them to be gone without the other. I don't like to think of my parents losing their minds, their lives ebbing away in a nursing facility. In my ideal world, I would shelter them in my own home as long as possible so they wouldn't die alone. Their joy is in their fruit, namely, me and my offspring. There are more personal thoughts I'd love to share about this particular topic, but not on public domain. We'll talk about it another time, face-to-face.
I think we're due for tea soon. :)
Heard! Love you Heather. I enjoy reading.
ReplyDeleteThank you for being vulnerable in your blog.
ReplyDeleteThanks for asking me to hear you.
Hi Heather,
ReplyDeleteJust so you know I do try and read your blog along with all my other friends. Jonathan doesn't read blogs, so don't expect much from him :) Honestly, we have our blog purely as a way to keep updated with friends that do not live close by. We also use it as a link to pictures for family to keep up with us visually.
I understand that need to be heard, and I've felt that pang of no response from supposed "blog listeners" before. I used to be online all the time chatting and writing in a more personal blog, but I grew tired and frustrated with it. You see, I began to realize how easily the internet produced a false sense of relationship. I do not ever want to be emotionally attached to the internet. That is one of the reasons I stopped having such personal blogs. That is why Jonathan and I try to use ours purely for updates. For him this has never been a problem, he could care less about people responding to his blogs (he doesn't even check to see if they do!) but for me I've had to change my perspective and reason for the blog. Its easy to get upset if no one responds, its easy to feel like no one cares. But that is not reality. People do care. You'll see it in a conversation, a phone call, getting together for coffee... to me all of these things matter far more than a response to a blog.
In conclusion, and a small disclaimer, I don't get a chance to read everybody's blog entries quickly. Tonight, for example, I have almost 10 to catch up on... its hard to respond to all... but know this - i do read. :)
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ReplyDeleteI love that you asked for what you needed here. It's kind to you and your friends.
ReplyDeleteI know the frustration that often comes when you feel like you've put something out there on a format such as a blog and you get weird comments or no comments. I've often felt misunderstood or missed.
I see you and hear you sweet Heather. And I am looking forward to a deepening friendship with you, especially over the next 12 weeks of our lives. (o:
I just found your blog through another blog, and I understand how you feel. I've been going through a similar situation feeling like I pour my heart out and never know what people are thinking in response to it! I also know, though, that I'm one of those people who often read other's blogs and never comment...I look forward to reading over your blog.
ReplyDelete