i feel dead in places. jon and i were talking - well, jon was talking [:)] and describing someone full of life. it felt very far away.
this took me on a little journey with myself. i was thinking about all the things i never do or say or try because im afraid of a bad outcome. im afraid of people enjoying me too- funny, thats something i want pretty desperatly, and am afraid of actually getting it. ive been more real at work lately. for being there day in and out, everyones proven to each other that family/ sisterly love that just doesnt really move. i have better friends at work than in my "social" arena. but it also comes down to- how good of a friend am i? oh, i dont want to sit on that merry go round right now.
i come to this place so often because i long to be heard, this is the one place i get to talk to all of you and you listen . i dont have to wait for you to ask . you dont have to work hard and wait for me to start opening up. everyones off the hook.
i want to quit worrying about myself and love people. but dang it, i cant do that well until i learn how to take care of myself. im finding more and more that i dont know where to start in taking care of myself.
i know less than i did ever before in my life- about how to live it out and about God. he feels very unknown to me, its kinda exccitng. but a little depressing. how much time have i wasted?
makes me think-
i set out on a narrow road, many years ago. hoping i would find true love, along the broken road. i got lost a time or two - wiped my brow, kept pushing through. i couldnt see how every sign pointed straight to you!
every long lost dream led me to where you are. others who broke my heart, they were just northern stars. pointing me on my way, into your loving arms. this much i know is true- that God, you blessed the broken road, that led me straight to you.
yes.
that song is big in my heart right now for all the truth. its what im feeling.
i would like to ask my friends who read this to be bold and speak truth to me- what do you see in me? name it in the moment! im so tired of not communicating whats in my heart. but i dont know anymore if anyone wants to hear it. s oif you see me shut down, say it. if you think im running away or acting like a jerk, speak up. and if this sounds like something youd like ot hear from me , lemme know. im tired of being silent- if you ask me to talk, i just might.
01 April 2010
31 March 2010
broken happened and now its the cycle for filling.
there is a lovely lady in my complex that loves children and knows all of them that live in the apts. she is a christian and i want to be like her when im older and im scared to be like her. because shes kinda weird and makes me a little uncomfortable/ awkward.
but shes living her life out in love for Christ and its real. and it comes easily(or maybe a better word is naturally?) to her. she pushed me in interesting ways.
shes going to be helping me with the bible club and so i asked her this evening to pass out flyers. she knocked on doors. she asked me to knock on the door. i just wanted to stick the flyers in there and walk away. i think she noticed my discomfort.
she helps with other bible clubs and the main "bible club" lady has made a comment that this woman seems to get overwhelmed with certian tasks- you have to give them to her in small doses. i experienced something else. i found a woman who knows exactly how she thinks something should be done, but is very willing to roll over for your idea, and is not at all in a rush.
this is going to be interesting. she and i, with one more lady from church, potentially 10 kids max and maybe some parents. in MY apt. i just dont know. this is going to be uncomfortable. and most likely freeing.
she introduced me to a couple that hosts alot of bible studies in their apt. they get my number, and i might go some saturday. they were the family that almost hosted this bible club. theyre just doing too much.
im worried i"ll end up doing too much. sheesh, what am i saying? i feel like im doing too much already. anyway. sleep is good. thats where i'll end up.
thank you HS Jesus and Father for holding me today. somehow they took away a part of me and replaced it. it might just be a healing replacement, to be truely filled later. but i am comforted.
there is a lovely lady in my complex that loves children and knows all of them that live in the apts. she is a christian and i want to be like her when im older and im scared to be like her. because shes kinda weird and makes me a little uncomfortable/ awkward.
but shes living her life out in love for Christ and its real. and it comes easily(or maybe a better word is naturally?) to her. she pushed me in interesting ways.
shes going to be helping me with the bible club and so i asked her this evening to pass out flyers. she knocked on doors. she asked me to knock on the door. i just wanted to stick the flyers in there and walk away. i think she noticed my discomfort.
she helps with other bible clubs and the main "bible club" lady has made a comment that this woman seems to get overwhelmed with certian tasks- you have to give them to her in small doses. i experienced something else. i found a woman who knows exactly how she thinks something should be done, but is very willing to roll over for your idea, and is not at all in a rush.
this is going to be interesting. she and i, with one more lady from church, potentially 10 kids max and maybe some parents. in MY apt. i just dont know. this is going to be uncomfortable. and most likely freeing.
she introduced me to a couple that hosts alot of bible studies in their apt. they get my number, and i might go some saturday. they were the family that almost hosted this bible club. theyre just doing too much.
im worried i"ll end up doing too much. sheesh, what am i saying? i feel like im doing too much already. anyway. sleep is good. thats where i'll end up.
thank you HS Jesus and Father for holding me today. somehow they took away a part of me and replaced it. it might just be a healing replacement, to be truely filled later. but i am comforted.
30 March 2010
i m sad and im tired and i full and i have no time for letting anyone be Jesus to me in any way that feels restful. this week is s ofull- im making myself do this so that i just dont emplode in my bed and make a mess, and freak my cats out, leaving them ownerless.
every day has had some busyness, and some of it my own doing, i'll admit, i told someone that slowing down is where you find God, and here i am feeling a whirlwind.
it pains me that we have so much doing in our lives. i "did" grace group tonight- dont get me wrong, i didnt force group, it was lovely. but coming away, i wish i felt accepted [insert gut wrenching sob over realizing my choice of word there]enough to stop and ask for a place to land. to even plan this. but everyone feels just as busy as me and i hate that. i hate that sometimes none of us stop. i want to be available to people, and i want to love them well. im getting lost in this thought of being there for eavh other. we all hold each others stuff.
dang it
im not asking anyone to hold my stuff. being responsible to speak up for myself. to ask. i hate it. i hate know somewhere in there is fear of rejection. i KNOW i wont be rejected. this is ridiculous. im tired. my nose is running, im crying, and sometimes i greatly dislike living alone.why does life have to be all this doing and going?!? im so tired.
some of its the doing and going in my mind.
bible club happens this saturday. theres a part of me that is sad that i am so afraid of something i desperately want. that i shove aside the joy in my heart about being in community with these families and loving the kids, and focus on the organization of it - and worry.that it almost feels like ive turned something i want to do into something i have to do.
its through an organization that has rules. the rules make me feel like i might do something wrong. i know theyre there for protection and continuity.
for instance- theres a possibility of children stealing stuff from me. welll, fine! why does it have to be brought up and get me worried about putting things away? it just makes me uptight and makes me start looking at these kids as little mongrels. why cant i just get stolen from and grieve the fact that these kids think they have to take ? as it is, im looking at the necklaces that i keep in my bathroom. some if them really pretty.
i go back and forth. theyre nothing. i really like that one. i want to be able to give them away if a little girl asks. but i paid for them and if i give one person something, im going to have to give everyone something. meh.
joyce called me today about the bible club stuff and sounded annoyed. i tried not to, buti took it that she was annoyed with me. i feel like im gonna have to answer to her for everything.
im really thankful for the free perio surgery that is happening the 16th, and for the time i allowed God to calm my heart. i wish i could give him all these things.
a couple people have given me information to hold that i feel i am not supposed to hold. one feels done out of ignorance, like a child saying something offhand andnot even realizing the implications. the other feels about the same, but with a weird self- gratifying cruelty directed at me.
am i the only one that has to bring up the hard conversations? am i the only one that stirs the pot? why cant people
im stopping that. im hurting people in my mind and degrading them.
i think im tireed of being safe. part of me wants to pull out all the stops and ram rod into situations and speak it like it is, wound, whatever. we can clean up later. and i dont really care if youve lost your leg. youve got another one.
but thats not kind. peopla ask me how i am, and i say good, okay; because if i tell them horrible, theyre expecting that i want to talk. but i dont even know what id say, and i dont want to make them feel badly for me.
some of the things in my heart cant be shared yet- and my heart i dont think had expanded enough to hold them.
im looking forward to putting flyers all over the approx 400 units in the apt tomorrow. seriously, i am. it will be mindless. may be i'll pray. maybe not.
im hearing truth. dang you, God. you never leave me alone anymore. there are parts to the body, and i cant go around being a dead part. crippled is something that is not true of my identity, and i have to let the other parts minister to me.
SHIT MY HEART IS BREAKING.
::it never ends, does it.
every day has had some busyness, and some of it my own doing, i'll admit, i told someone that slowing down is where you find God, and here i am feeling a whirlwind.
it pains me that we have so much doing in our lives. i "did" grace group tonight- dont get me wrong, i didnt force group, it was lovely. but coming away, i wish i felt accepted [insert gut wrenching sob over realizing my choice of word there]enough to stop and ask for a place to land. to even plan this. but everyone feels just as busy as me and i hate that. i hate that sometimes none of us stop. i want to be available to people, and i want to love them well. im getting lost in this thought of being there for eavh other. we all hold each others stuff.
dang it
im not asking anyone to hold my stuff. being responsible to speak up for myself. to ask. i hate it. i hate know somewhere in there is fear of rejection. i KNOW i wont be rejected. this is ridiculous. im tired. my nose is running, im crying, and sometimes i greatly dislike living alone.why does life have to be all this doing and going?!? im so tired.
some of its the doing and going in my mind.
bible club happens this saturday. theres a part of me that is sad that i am so afraid of something i desperately want. that i shove aside the joy in my heart about being in community with these families and loving the kids, and focus on the organization of it - and worry.that it almost feels like ive turned something i want to do into something i have to do.
its through an organization that has rules. the rules make me feel like i might do something wrong. i know theyre there for protection and continuity.
for instance- theres a possibility of children stealing stuff from me. welll, fine! why does it have to be brought up and get me worried about putting things away? it just makes me uptight and makes me start looking at these kids as little mongrels. why cant i just get stolen from and grieve the fact that these kids think they have to take ? as it is, im looking at the necklaces that i keep in my bathroom. some if them really pretty.
i go back and forth. theyre nothing. i really like that one. i want to be able to give them away if a little girl asks. but i paid for them and if i give one person something, im going to have to give everyone something. meh.
joyce called me today about the bible club stuff and sounded annoyed. i tried not to, buti took it that she was annoyed with me. i feel like im gonna have to answer to her for everything.
im really thankful for the free perio surgery that is happening the 16th, and for the time i allowed God to calm my heart. i wish i could give him all these things.
a couple people have given me information to hold that i feel i am not supposed to hold. one feels done out of ignorance, like a child saying something offhand andnot even realizing the implications. the other feels about the same, but with a weird self- gratifying cruelty directed at me.
am i the only one that has to bring up the hard conversations? am i the only one that stirs the pot? why cant people
im stopping that. im hurting people in my mind and degrading them.
i think im tireed of being safe. part of me wants to pull out all the stops and ram rod into situations and speak it like it is, wound, whatever. we can clean up later. and i dont really care if youve lost your leg. youve got another one.
but thats not kind. peopla ask me how i am, and i say good, okay; because if i tell them horrible, theyre expecting that i want to talk. but i dont even know what id say, and i dont want to make them feel badly for me.
some of the things in my heart cant be shared yet- and my heart i dont think had expanded enough to hold them.
im looking forward to putting flyers all over the approx 400 units in the apt tomorrow. seriously, i am. it will be mindless. may be i'll pray. maybe not.
im hearing truth. dang you, God. you never leave me alone anymore. there are parts to the body, and i cant go around being a dead part. crippled is something that is not true of my identity, and i have to let the other parts minister to me.
SHIT MY HEART IS BREAKING.
::it never ends, does it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)