humble

meek or modest

deferentially respectful





deference- submission or courteous yielding to the opinion, wishes, or judgement of another. courteous respect.



but what if theyre wrong? or being a jerk?

is this when the Christ-like ness comes in, cuz it doesnt make sense? this has the potential for being misunderstood all over it. and getting misunderstood hurts. its shameful.

let me elaborate.

thursday we were getting a little behind with the schedule, and i had a really nice family of 3 waiting. [there were 3 kids. at work, we only count the children]

i told one dr -we'll call her #1- that this family needed to see her. with a certain insurance we take, the newer dr we have cant see them; she wont get paid.

this newer dr is on a trial/ help- us- out- certain- days basis. we'll call her #2. i dont think i'll mention the dr's much after this, but just in case.

#1 NEEDED to be out of the office by a certain time, and still had a treatment. i let her know they were delta, and she was like, ok, i guess im seeing them. in my mind, theyve been waiting, she hasnt gone into her tx yet- oppotune time for exams, right?

she went to her tx:

so, im a pretty blunt/ honest person. some of you may have been hurt by this characteristic of mine before. im sorry. i got a taste of how painful it can be.

i told her, we're waiting on #1 because shes the only one that can see them because of insurance; #2 basically doesnt get paid if she sees yall.

::yes, i said it like that::

the mom was so indignant, but like caustically laughing too. she thought that sounded so horrible, and she was talking about how i phrased it. "so, basically she wont do the exams because she wont get PAID?!" i felt some humble pie getting stuck in my throat, as i wanted to rephrase my statement. but then i wouldve sounded like more of an idiot.

so i said yes.

i quietly got up and let her know id see what i could do, maybe we can work something out paperwork -wise.

i walked to the other side of the office and really, hid behind an operatory. #2 was doing an exam there and i contemplated asking her if she would pro - bono.

i fought back some tears. one of my co- workers saw me and had a questioning look on her face. i mouthed that i was in a not- good place and looked away. she was relieved that she didnt have to deal with a bleary- eyed hygienist right then; we were busy.

i felt the clock breathing down my back too, i didnt want that family to wait any longer, i wanted to redeem myself in her eyes.

for her to not pass judgement on me.

i finally got "front desk" person to come and explain it. we could let #2 see them, theres some easily handled paperwork. easier than i thought.

the mom was like, it sounds so much better when you say it! - to the front desk.

i dont like humility.

i can handle it when the people around me know me already. they make more correct assumptions about my character and they know my heart toward them is good. this mom didnt know.

im actually glad the dad was there. he was quiet[and he wasnt around right when i used my "crass verbage"], but i know he had to have quelled a little of the storm in her .



so. being myself isnt going to be enough for alot of people. especially in stone oak:-P

but it hurts to not be enough for their standard. it seems like it should be obtained easily enough. but no. im me. and im not looking to their standard. i understand more and more david crying out to God to not be put to shame. shames a bitch when its undeserved. makes forgiveness harder.

so- pouring myself out unreservedly for the sake of others.in my simpleness, when i set myself up for her to rip me, i was making myself vulnerable. you never know whats going to come out of a parent when they feel waiting in the dr office is a waste of their time. we actually make ourselves vulnerable every time. so this one wasnt much different, i just felt shame about my lack of knowledge. so is that being humble- was that pouring myself out? i was for them and wanting them to know where they stood timewise. we tend to feed parents ubiquitous bull easily in regards to timeframes. im willing to agree that i was humble at the beginning. did i stay in humility, or did i shut down? i defintely felt humiliated. all these words are so similar, and so far apart from each other in my mind.
youre probably thinking, why is she wrestling with this so much? well, i tend to wrestle alot. analyze. its something i do. but moreso, i want to make sure im not shutting down. i want to be present with people and offer them truth/ reality/make them reconsider their stance on how life should work. especially at my job.
this might be the end of my humility thoughts, it might not.

our longings for love, unity in diversity, communication, community, humility, peace, and selflessness are in fact- by design- longings for the trinitarian God.

human desires corrupted by sin turn in on themselves[ "inward growing eyes"] and the longings turn to lusts.

we long for humility, where people pour out themselves unreservedly for the benefit and well- being of others.
these are some thoughts, mostly verbatim, from the book doctrine.

i am really struck by the last one. ive never thought of myself as longing for others to have humility. ive wanted it in myself, seen it lacking in myself, because i know all the little inner workings of my heart and thoughts. i know im not living out of humbleness. but hadnt paid attention to the fact that i see the lack in others. ive deadened that, willing to just gloss over it and, oh well. you cant expect anything from people these days. even people being humble in their car, and letting me go, or whatever, i sometimes meet with disdain. it pricks my longing and even though they cant see it i react ugly.

even around people i love and they care for me. like at work, most of the time i dont expect people to pour out anything for the benefit of me or anyone else for that matter. theres one woman who does, and when she stops you can tell... shes usually burnt out at that point,and she has one of those EXTREMELY long mom- fuses.
its just rare. and where does that sit in my heart....?do i want to be rare? do i want to pour myself out?
id like to say yes.

Pro 15:33
The fear of the LORD [is] the instruction of wisdom; and before honour [is] humility.
Pro 18:12
Before destruction the heart of man is haughty, and before honour [is] humility.
Pro 22:4
By humility [and] the fear of the LORD [are] riches, and honour, and life.
Act 20:19
Serving the Lord with all humility of mind, and with many tears, and temptations, which befell me by the lying in wait of the Jews:
Col 2:18
Let no man beguile you of your reward in a voluntary humility and worshipping of angels, intruding into those things which he hath not seen, vainly puffed up by his fleshly mind,
Col 2:23
Which things have indeed a shew of wisdom in will worship, and humility, and neglecting of the body; not in any honour to the satisfying of the flesh.
1Pe 5:5
Likewise, ye younger, submit yourselves unto the elder. Yea, all [of you] be subject one to another, and be clothed with humility: for God resisteth the proud, and giveth grace to the humble.

i am intrigued now, but i promised myself id go to sleep earlier this night. i dont know that i understand the def of humility in the kj way. placing the thought of pouring myself out unreservedly into these texts/ contexts is a place i want to sit and think. another night.

::ok, one last thought. what is "voluntary humility," why is it different than regular humility, and why is it negative?::

im going to be randomly posting "bible stuff" - sorta doing a little study of doctrine/ theology. its going to be a discipline, actually studying the bible with the help of a book; and thinking.... this feels alot like school and i havent done it in a while. we'll see how sporadic i get:)

ive been focusing alot on what im giving and receiving in relationships. its become a checks and balances, and has been deadening. ive been screaming at God, with tears, saying why. this is all from a focus that ultimately just wants to make sure heather is taken care of.
there are places in my life/ being that i need to make sure are cared over, yes. but ive taken back again the right of the LORD to take care of me.
so - handing over the microscope thats been on my interactions with people. laying aside the part of me that wants to force others to take care of me in whatever way i think they should, and let them bless me with a surprise of caring for me well when it flows out of love and is on their timetable.
ive come closer to the reality of pouring myself. i know im a giver, but i always look at how i can give in terms of money. i feel like its more important that way somehow. but listening to the lady in my complex, sharing listening to adventures in oddessy with her, giving her that extra attention- this is a great gift, and honestly it teaches me sacrifice.


im making a conscious effort to paint regularly. :) its already really awesome!! Gods letting me see what purposes it has. some of the purpose, like giving me an emotional outlet thats on a different plane that speaking or writing, i used to shove to the side as not as important.
today- knowing how i feel after ive painted- it is now known fully by me that this facet of its importance is not to be taken lightly.