humble

meek or modest

deferentially respectful





deference- submission or courteous yielding to the opinion, wishes, or judgement of another. courteous respect.



but what if theyre wrong? or being a jerk?

is this when the Christ-like ness comes in, cuz it doesnt make sense? this has the potential for being misunderstood all over it. and getting misunderstood hurts. its shameful.

let me elaborate.

thursday we were getting a little behind with the schedule, and i had a really nice family of 3 waiting. [there were 3 kids. at work, we only count the children]

i told one dr -we'll call her #1- that this family needed to see her. with a certain insurance we take, the newer dr we have cant see them; she wont get paid.

this newer dr is on a trial/ help- us- out- certain- days basis. we'll call her #2. i dont think i'll mention the dr's much after this, but just in case.

#1 NEEDED to be out of the office by a certain time, and still had a treatment. i let her know they were delta, and she was like, ok, i guess im seeing them. in my mind, theyve been waiting, she hasnt gone into her tx yet- oppotune time for exams, right?

she went to her tx:

so, im a pretty blunt/ honest person. some of you may have been hurt by this characteristic of mine before. im sorry. i got a taste of how painful it can be.

i told her, we're waiting on #1 because shes the only one that can see them because of insurance; #2 basically doesnt get paid if she sees yall.

::yes, i said it like that::

the mom was so indignant, but like caustically laughing too. she thought that sounded so horrible, and she was talking about how i phrased it. "so, basically she wont do the exams because she wont get PAID?!" i felt some humble pie getting stuck in my throat, as i wanted to rephrase my statement. but then i wouldve sounded like more of an idiot.

so i said yes.

i quietly got up and let her know id see what i could do, maybe we can work something out paperwork -wise.

i walked to the other side of the office and really, hid behind an operatory. #2 was doing an exam there and i contemplated asking her if she would pro - bono.

i fought back some tears. one of my co- workers saw me and had a questioning look on her face. i mouthed that i was in a not- good place and looked away. she was relieved that she didnt have to deal with a bleary- eyed hygienist right then; we were busy.

i felt the clock breathing down my back too, i didnt want that family to wait any longer, i wanted to redeem myself in her eyes.

for her to not pass judgement on me.

i finally got "front desk" person to come and explain it. we could let #2 see them, theres some easily handled paperwork. easier than i thought.

the mom was like, it sounds so much better when you say it! - to the front desk.

i dont like humility.

i can handle it when the people around me know me already. they make more correct assumptions about my character and they know my heart toward them is good. this mom didnt know.

im actually glad the dad was there. he was quiet[and he wasnt around right when i used my "crass verbage"], but i know he had to have quelled a little of the storm in her .



so. being myself isnt going to be enough for alot of people. especially in stone oak:-P

but it hurts to not be enough for their standard. it seems like it should be obtained easily enough. but no. im me. and im not looking to their standard. i understand more and more david crying out to God to not be put to shame. shames a bitch when its undeserved. makes forgiveness harder.

so- pouring myself out unreservedly for the sake of others.in my simpleness, when i set myself up for her to rip me, i was making myself vulnerable. you never know whats going to come out of a parent when they feel waiting in the dr office is a waste of their time. we actually make ourselves vulnerable every time. so this one wasnt much different, i just felt shame about my lack of knowledge. so is that being humble- was that pouring myself out? i was for them and wanting them to know where they stood timewise. we tend to feed parents ubiquitous bull easily in regards to timeframes. im willing to agree that i was humble at the beginning. did i stay in humility, or did i shut down? i defintely felt humiliated. all these words are so similar, and so far apart from each other in my mind.
youre probably thinking, why is she wrestling with this so much? well, i tend to wrestle alot. analyze. its something i do. but moreso, i want to make sure im not shutting down. i want to be present with people and offer them truth/ reality/make them reconsider their stance on how life should work. especially at my job.
this might be the end of my humility thoughts, it might not.