i feel really dead lately. like everyone else's lives are so worth it and theres opportunity, and thing to look forward to. at least right now. im looking forward to things in next year. thats so far away. and im looking there because there should be more money there.
i feel like my mom; she had to budget so strongly. but instead of 2 children and a mortgage, theres weddings and a car lease. id take children over weddings. ::i love my friends that are getting married, and love giving to them. i just feel like bitching::
guys, please pray for me. i have not "felt close" to God lately. i know i havent wanted to be close to him either. i have horrible discipline--read, "no discipline."
i felt him open my heart up again to creating. and screw it all, i have no money for getting some of the things id love to use in creating.
and i make stupid choices in buying clothes or other things andd forget that i want to save for the better things.
really pray for my heart. im so tired. i feel dead. im not in a good place to start kids club in a few months. i dont even know if i should do it, i dont even know if i want to do it. i feel im an ugly person. i hate the idea of disappointing these kids, or worse, turning away from something God wants me to do.
and a really dirty trick was played on my heart too. i dont really believe that thought that says once youre ok with just living your life and living what GOd has given you, your spouse will come.
but the other day, coming back from my vacation, i felt such a strong truth in my heart that i would be ok being single. and i revelled in that! i was so happy to know it didnt feel like an endless tunnel leading to me being one of those weird spinsters.
and then someone suggested i meet this guy, and my lifes been ugly hell since then! and i dont feel that presence of peace i had that day on the drive home. im very discontent.
and i cant stop my addiction of masturbation. i hate it. i want it gone.
i want to honor my body, and enjoy the fact that i am a woman and feminine and beautiful, without feeling like the only way to express it is that way.
i would love to redirect that intensity. its so much work- do i get up, when im tired and go paint, or bake something, or read my bible? i think creating is so helpful in those moments. i feel like the woman in song of solomon, in the nightmare. its so much work.
having a game night at my house tonight. i am going to be struggling w being my real self without pouring my SELF out for them to see. i think that would be too much for a game night with people i dont really know . how much of a mask is ok, and how much do i leave off?! i dont want to be totally fake and dont want to make anyone depressed or awkward/ uncomfortable.
05 August 2011
26 July 2011
loved my time at the beach.
i dont know how succinctly i have been talking about all the stuff happening right now. dont think i could. im not a succinct person. i sometimes wish i was; im make more sense.
God reminded me that "he" is "feminine" also. there is housed in Absolute Being- masculinity and femininity.
i am a fleshy display of the feminine of this Divine, and meant to live out femininity towards others. that our God would be experienced by ourselves and others in the sexuality we house is huge.
being on the beach helped me sort all my thoughts.
my time off helped me hear
--that i am beautiful
-- creativity was given to me and flows through me.
--painting and things of such nature that give me joy arent "less" in the "kingdom"
--i want to live by a beach. not necessarily cc
--i could move
--i could go back to school
--i can travel
--i can start doing those last 3 things in about 2 years, after lars [ my car] is paid off and i have a bit o money saved
been thinking on and allowing myself to dream... the red tent dinner topic has helped! dunno if its been super great for anyone else in the group!
this dreaming has made me open to more, and also given me a more level head about things. learning i can say no to ok, or good things, in hopefulness for great things .
soooo..... heres the story of the romanian man.
i was flipping out the other night. some of that was because i was actually thinking this might work and what a huge shift.
it felt amazingly out of my control to allow a possibility there. j.s., youve talked about control off and on and something always resonated w me but i never understood that i am majorly liking to be in control!!! some of you are prolly like, what, how did she not know that about herself. dunno.
my flipping out was the inability to picture what that life wouldbe like- w an older romanian.
the poss of being linked to this culture! it felt huge.
didnt sleep well.
my mom told me to be my BEAUTIFUL SELF in a text sunday morning, and i started crying. i cant remember her ever blatantly telling me i was beautiful aside from what i was wearing...etc.and i think then it was more, pretty, good, lesser words. and it shocked me to have that lightening bolt of unveiling. i hope to be able to keep that text until its burned in my core.
i felt pretty good at church
started getting nervous at the restaurant. he hadnt arrived w the clydes yet. i was just with the crumps. and thankfully they didnt talk about him before he got there.
my first thought was a let down, not as handsome as i had hoped. hes very kind to his mother. i actually liked her alot. hes shy, like i can be around guys. and that was hard bc he wasnt asking me questions or trying to initiate much. i didnt know what to talk about involving romania. when the people that have been there chat about it, or i meet a romanian, i feel at such a loss- like im expected to talk more about it and know more about it than i do.
we went with the clydes to bass pro shop.
hung out w e clyde and baby while waiting for her husband and lucian to come back from trying to shoot guns and ride a motorcycle. things he wanted to do in tx.
theyre thinking of moving the family down here and he wants to get into christian filmmaking. he feels very strongly thats where the next major push in evangelism is going, and we need to be there and do it well.
when he was talking about this at dinner i actually caught a smidge of hope and thought maybe...
but there were a bunch of things that werent jiving.
dont really wanna re hash that list.
but, 2 things i came away with.
i loved being seen as attractive and taken into consideration for pursuing.--with that, i deserve to be pursued better.
when i meet my husband, im going to know. not this eh, hes nice, cool, fill-in-the-blank. its going to be easy for me to begin being curious and searching out his heart because im going to want to. and hes going to bring stuff to the table thats worthwhile for me to enter into. not that these other guys dont, but for me personally.
i dont know how succinctly i have been talking about all the stuff happening right now. dont think i could. im not a succinct person. i sometimes wish i was; im make more sense.
God reminded me that "he" is "feminine" also. there is housed in Absolute Being- masculinity and femininity.
i am a fleshy display of the feminine of this Divine, and meant to live out femininity towards others. that our God would be experienced by ourselves and others in the sexuality we house is huge.
being on the beach helped me sort all my thoughts.
my time off helped me hear
--that i am beautiful
-- creativity was given to me and flows through me.
--painting and things of such nature that give me joy arent "less" in the "kingdom"
--i want to live by a beach. not necessarily cc
--i could move
--i could go back to school
--i can travel
--i can start doing those last 3 things in about 2 years, after lars [ my car] is paid off and i have a bit o money saved
been thinking on and allowing myself to dream... the red tent dinner topic has helped! dunno if its been super great for anyone else in the group!
this dreaming has made me open to more, and also given me a more level head about things. learning i can say no to ok, or good things, in hopefulness for great things .
soooo..... heres the story of the romanian man.
i was flipping out the other night. some of that was because i was actually thinking this might work and what a huge shift.
it felt amazingly out of my control to allow a possibility there. j.s., youve talked about control off and on and something always resonated w me but i never understood that i am majorly liking to be in control!!! some of you are prolly like, what, how did she not know that about herself. dunno.
my flipping out was the inability to picture what that life wouldbe like- w an older romanian.
the poss of being linked to this culture! it felt huge.
didnt sleep well.
my mom told me to be my BEAUTIFUL SELF in a text sunday morning, and i started crying. i cant remember her ever blatantly telling me i was beautiful aside from what i was wearing...etc.and i think then it was more, pretty, good, lesser words. and it shocked me to have that lightening bolt of unveiling. i hope to be able to keep that text until its burned in my core.
i felt pretty good at church
started getting nervous at the restaurant. he hadnt arrived w the clydes yet. i was just with the crumps. and thankfully they didnt talk about him before he got there.
my first thought was a let down, not as handsome as i had hoped. hes very kind to his mother. i actually liked her alot. hes shy, like i can be around guys. and that was hard bc he wasnt asking me questions or trying to initiate much. i didnt know what to talk about involving romania. when the people that have been there chat about it, or i meet a romanian, i feel at such a loss- like im expected to talk more about it and know more about it than i do.
we went with the clydes to bass pro shop.
hung out w e clyde and baby while waiting for her husband and lucian to come back from trying to shoot guns and ride a motorcycle. things he wanted to do in tx.
theyre thinking of moving the family down here and he wants to get into christian filmmaking. he feels very strongly thats where the next major push in evangelism is going, and we need to be there and do it well.
when he was talking about this at dinner i actually caught a smidge of hope and thought maybe...
but there were a bunch of things that werent jiving.
dont really wanna re hash that list.
but, 2 things i came away with.
i loved being seen as attractive and taken into consideration for pursuing.--with that, i deserve to be pursued better.
when i meet my husband, im going to know. not this eh, hes nice, cool, fill-in-the-blank. its going to be easy for me to begin being curious and searching out his heart because im going to want to. and hes going to bring stuff to the table thats worthwhile for me to enter into. not that these other guys dont, but for me personally.
23 July 2011
theres a group lunch happening tomorrow and im kinda being set up to meet a 37 yr old. his mother is going to be there.
most of the people that are going know at least that he and i are both "looking", an we are in each others' age ranges and single.
awkward.
ambivalence.
i'll tell yall more later. theres some more- eh. lemme tell yall now; maybe it will get this pressing weight off my chest.
hes romanian and lives in ny- or maybe just from ny. i have 2 pimples on my face and i just pulled most of the fake nails off, but there are pieces i cant get off and it looks crappy.
i hate having people around when i meet a single guy. i feel like everyones watching me. its a stress i dont handle well and i tend to get brusque, flippant, ya know. im afraid to show if im interested.
i feel weird because hes older. i just had a talk yesterday with kels and her mom about gaps in "marital age" and how tenuous that can be.
im sick to my stomach. :::: k im better.
this didnt make me feel better like i thought.
::::edit!::::: just read the OHM blog, and she said this.
"I can still hear the call of both the hope and the fear. There is still time."
of course the whole post was good. this line made me break down and let out alot. i went and painted it on a canvas and felt some of my craziness go away. -- and i quoted it, so janet, youre famous. at least in my living room- and i accidentally hit the "o"! what if we called them our loving rooms?!?
most of the people that are going know at least that he and i are both "looking", an we are in each others' age ranges and single.
awkward.
ambivalence.
i'll tell yall more later. theres some more- eh. lemme tell yall now; maybe it will get this pressing weight off my chest.
hes romanian and lives in ny- or maybe just from ny. i have 2 pimples on my face and i just pulled most of the fake nails off, but there are pieces i cant get off and it looks crappy.
i hate having people around when i meet a single guy. i feel like everyones watching me. its a stress i dont handle well and i tend to get brusque, flippant, ya know. im afraid to show if im interested.
i feel weird because hes older. i just had a talk yesterday with kels and her mom about gaps in "marital age" and how tenuous that can be.
im sick to my stomach. :::: k im better.
this didnt make me feel better like i thought.
::::edit!::::: just read the OHM blog, and she said this.
"I can still hear the call of both the hope and the fear. There is still time."
of course the whole post was good. this line made me break down and let out alot. i went and painted it on a canvas and felt some of my craziness go away. -- and i quoted it, so janet, youre famous. at least in my living room- and i accidentally hit the "o"! what if we called them our loving rooms?!?
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