i feel really dead lately. like everyone else's lives are so worth it and theres opportunity, and thing to look forward to. at least right now. im looking forward to things in next year. thats so far away. and im looking there because there should be more money there.
i feel like my mom; she had to budget so strongly. but instead of 2 children and a mortgage, theres weddings and a car lease. id take children over weddings. ::i love my friends that are getting married, and love giving to them. i just feel like bitching::
guys, please pray for me. i have not "felt close" to God lately. i know i havent wanted to be close to him either. i have horrible discipline--read, "no discipline."
i felt him open my heart up again to creating. and screw it all, i have no money for getting some of the things id love to use in creating.
and i make stupid choices in buying clothes or other things andd forget that i want to save for the better things.
really pray for my heart. im so tired. i feel dead. im not in a good place to start kids club in a few months. i dont even know if i should do it, i dont even know if i want to do it. i feel im an ugly person. i hate the idea of disappointing these kids, or worse, turning away from something God wants me to do.
and a really dirty trick was played on my heart too. i dont really believe that thought that says once youre ok with just living your life and living what GOd has given you, your spouse will come.
but the other day, coming back from my vacation, i felt such a strong truth in my heart that i would be ok being single. and i revelled in that! i was so happy to know it didnt feel like an endless tunnel leading to me being one of those weird spinsters.
and then someone suggested i meet this guy, and my lifes been ugly hell since then! and i dont feel that presence of peace i had that day on the drive home. im very discontent.
and i cant stop my addiction of masturbation. i hate it. i want it gone.
i want to honor my body, and enjoy the fact that i am a woman and feminine and beautiful, without feeling like the only way to express it is that way.
i would love to redirect that intensity. its so much work- do i get up, when im tired and go paint, or bake something, or read my bible? i think creating is so helpful in those moments. i feel like the woman in song of solomon, in the nightmare. its so much work.
having a game night at my house tonight. i am going to be struggling w being my real self without pouring my SELF out for them to see. i think that would be too much for a game night with people i dont really know . how much of a mask is ok, and how much do i leave off?! i dont want to be totally fake and dont want to make anyone depressed or awkward/ uncomfortable.
Heather, you are such a beautiful woman of God. I was just looking through a few of your fb pictures, and remembering things you've told me of your past, events happening now around you and in your heart, and I see you growing. No, it's not a very fun time, especially when it seems that everyone else is getting everything they want and they're all getting married. We all have felt this way, and you're not alone.
ReplyDeleteJesus will guide you with His peace for which way to go in Kids Camp, with painting/writing, and your future. Don't feel obliged to continue Kids Camp if you don't have peace about it. God is in control. If His will in not for you to do it, someone else will, and that's OK. That person is perfect for those kids at that time, and he may have something completely different for you for that season.
I'm sorry about the dirty trick played on your heart... It may be a time to ask God a few honest questions. Are you content with singleness? What do you really want? What is your heart telling you? What is God telling you? Is it an act of self-protection? Self-reliance?
I hope to hear more about this soon!
You are a beautiful woman, Heather
Hey, I realized the other night that one of the things the Lord has taught me is that "giving up" your desires is not exactly what God intends. I believe He gives us such deep desires and cravings for a reason - the important part is not to act like you'd be OK without them, but instead to trust God with them and even for them. I know its hard to believe His timing is best. I certainly struggle with that, but regardless of that timing, just remember that HE is Good, and He loves you.
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