i was slow today, a good slow. there was enough time, enough chai latte, enough walking in the sun and sweating, enough of me feeling beautiful in a dress i love and hardly wear because i like it to feel special. there was a centered-ness, and a quietness. God spoke. thanks tim and jon for the book Redemption. there are things said , things being spoken to some deep places. i havent had time to write out all my reflections..
i have been here 5 years now. this is the weekend i moved here.
i remember the weird sterile type smell of the new apt i was in, the stark lack of furniture, trying to make the things id brought from my bedroom back home work a living room. the absolute NOTHING to do. sitting a few feet from my tiny tv, since it was my only friend.
journaling and drawing and using all the weekends with no friends as a place to heal from the wreckage that had conveniently just ended that summer back home.
i remember buying my first couch about a month or two later, cuz in my mind there was NO WAY id have my first Christmas here without a couch to snuggle on.
3 [kinda 4] apts later, way older, way different, and yet more of me.

this weekend has felt holy unto the Lord, its felt touched.
and im being sifted. kinda hard, looking at where ive really placed my hope and desires. God gives and he takes away. and hes right. and hes good.

im sitting here feeling quiet, slow, full of peace. and good tea. i made the last of this tea- i think i remember what it is. maybe i can get some more. funny, i didnt think it was awesome for a long time and now that its my last cup its great.
these past few days have had very little going and doing. very little errands or agendas. its been lovely. and i havent beat myself up for listening to songs on utube.
im memorizing ephesians 5 except for the end about wives and husbands. feels weird to memorize that. the first 2 verses of eph 5 have been stark in my mind and heart for the last couple days, in how they picture what my heart is supposed to look like and how im meant to love.
i dont think i want to be mean anymore. sometimes things come out of my mouth that are witty or sarcastic- but i think they hurt. i know there are countless moments things are said to me that i get a little bothered by, even though i know it was meant to just be silly. maybe thats what coarse joking means.
i want to go to bed earlier tonight. bye!

hellooooooo.....

quick major revelation. maybe ive thought this before, but it sunk in right now. and i have a huge question.

heres the ingredients.
lucian, the romanian.

heather, the 9 yrs his junior.
-habitually scared of actually being in a relationship
-habitually afraid of even engaging w older men for fear that something will actually happen.
[its too close and real when theyre actually ready for marriage]

allowing a 'set up' in a moment of single lonliness...i flipped out that night and couldnt sleep.

enjoying knowing hes interested
confused that he wasnt more aggressive
emailing- and im giving him very little because i dont think i want this and hes not trying too hard to ask me anything that i can respond to

he askes for my #
i respond with the barrage of thoughts that ive been holding- let him know how i experienced him, and actually telling him i dont thik its going to work out.

he responds back like a man.
apologizing for the ways he didnt show up, letting me know where he thinks he was being good. being sad w me about some things i mentioned.

that tugged on my heart a little.
and
im left with the question- are other people not super attracted to their spouses when they first meet them?
i want that experience of meeting some man, and just being swept away, and hoping hes my beginning of completion....the things about him physically that i dont necessarily feel an attraction to- they arent horrible or unworkable [like the ear hair!!!o.O]
so i think thats a sub- question i have.

the major question that came up now as i was typing up all my thoughts to stop the confusion was= will my life be [our life be] exceptional?
i have this (maybe grandiose)thought that when im married, my husband and i will be this super amazing duo--- is that just having way too high expectations?
like, suddenly purpose for our lives will become so clear and we'll be doing "gods work" , just what he planned for us, and it will be beautiful and amazing all the time.

or is that just me still thinking my life will be "better" once im married?

and the other part of this is pride. i want everyone to see that i waited, and i got this amazing man that everyones jealous of me that i have. i know thats ugly. you can just agree w me now and we dont have to talk about it and that will help me not delete it.
but please help me sort through my questions.
im considering giving this man a chance and its scaring the shit out of me.