quick major revelation. maybe ive thought this before, but it sunk in right now. and i have a huge question.
heres the ingredients.
lucian, the romanian.
heather, the 9 yrs his junior.
-habitually scared of actually being in a relationship
-habitually afraid of even engaging w older men for fear that something will actually happen.
[its too close and real when theyre actually ready for marriage]
allowing a 'set up' in a moment of single lonliness...i flipped out that night and couldnt sleep.
enjoying knowing hes interested
confused that he wasnt more aggressive
emailing- and im giving him very little because i dont think i want this and hes not trying too hard to ask me anything that i can respond to
he askes for my #
i respond with the barrage of thoughts that ive been holding- let him know how i experienced him, and actually telling him i dont thik its going to work out.
he responds back like a man.
apologizing for the ways he didnt show up, letting me know where he thinks he was being good. being sad w me about some things i mentioned.
that tugged on my heart a little.
and
im left with the question- are other people not super attracted to their spouses when they first meet them?
i want that experience of meeting some man, and just being swept away, and hoping hes my beginning of completion....the things about him physically that i dont necessarily feel an attraction to- they arent horrible or unworkable [like the ear hair!!!o.O]
so i think thats a sub- question i have.
the major question that came up now as i was typing up all my thoughts to stop the confusion was= will my life be [our life be] exceptional?
i have this (maybe grandiose)thought that when im married, my husband and i will be this super amazing duo--- is that just having way too high expectations?
like, suddenly purpose for our lives will become so clear and we'll be doing "gods work" , just what he planned for us, and it will be beautiful and amazing all the time.
or is that just me still thinking my life will be "better" once im married?
and the other part of this is pride. i want everyone to see that i waited, and i got this amazing man that everyones jealous of me that i have. i know thats ugly. you can just agree w me now and we dont have to talk about it and that will help me not delete it.
but please help me sort through my questions.
im considering giving this man a chance and its scaring the shit out of me.
Heather it's scary to give someone a chance like that, especially when you've held back or so long. Is he worth it? Is it worth the possibility of you and/ or him getting hurt if it doesn't work out? I remember asking myself that same question after my first date w/ A, because it was clear we had chemistry but we didn't know a lot beyond that. I finally said, what the hell, I'm curious to see what this turns into. It's like, I knew if I didn't give it a shot, I would always wonder.
ReplyDeleteAs for attraction, I can only say that in my experience, I didn't find A particularly "hot," but he wasn't unattractive to me either-- that was just at first-- then by the time we fell in love and had spent time together, he was so amazingly attractive to me and certainly "hot." he still is.
Well, you already know that I didn't have any plans of falling for Jonathan in the beginning. But he PURSUED me, and the more time we spent together (which happened pretty quickly) the more the butterflies intensified. As for the pride - the only one who needs to be jealous of you for what you have is you :) I love that Jonathan is my husband! He is the very best man that I have ever known. This would be my hope for you - that whomever you end up with - you will feel that he is the greatest man you've ever known. Also of course, that he will think the same about you :) Finally, will your life be exceptional? That is entirely up to you :)
ReplyDeleteSo as the weekend didn't seem to allow for me to be able to talk to you about this, I'll leave you a comment. (o:
ReplyDeleteI guess what I would want to share with you Heather, is that your love story with your future husband is going to be unique for you. It's not going to look like anyone else's but yours. All of your married friends (me included who has married a man almost 12 years her senior) could tell you how it went for us. Yet, your experiences and your love story is going to be your own. And however it unfolds whether he sweeps you off of your feet or it's something that comes slowly and unexpectedly over time - will be something that you love in the end because you will see how and why God put the two of you together.
Attraction is a tricky thing too. You either feel it or you don't. It's sometimes instant and you feel it right away. Sometimes it comes after the first date. Sometimes it grows on you over time. Sometimes it comes with knowing a person on a deeper level. But it's tricky. And quite important. If you're going to be married to someone FOREVER - it helps if you find your husband attractive. I tell Todd all the time that I only married him because he was hot and has a great butt. (o;
Regardless of whether this guy is it or not and you're not liking how your love story is shaping out at this moment, I guess I would just tell you that sometimes you can't know if things are going to work in a relationship until you are actually in it. Sometimes it takes being in a relationship to see if it's going to work or not.
You are a wise and feeling woman Heather. You are good at being in touch with your heart and what you're feeling. There is a lot about love and relationships that feel scary. Perhaps it perhaps you for marriage somewhat. (o; But, I hear that you're scared, and it's okay that you are.
I love you. <3