"The contradiction comes when I realize that all these experiences and emotions were real. The happiness that gave me chill bumps was as deep as my loneliness. My sense of certainty about being exactly where God wanted me was solid, but just as firm was the fact that sometimes I wondered at times what on earth I was doing here. The frustration that threatened to overtake me on some occasions was just as deep and true as the unbounded joy I felt at other times. I loved my new life; I truly loved it. But compared to the life I had been living, it was hard."
Katie Davis, Kisses from Katie
this is from a book, obviously. and one that im reading[ again, prob pretty obvious.]
it just resonated. i understand her here.
thats all about that topic for now.
im here in corpus w my family. feeling like im getting some vacay rest is good. but every time i come back, i see more clearly some aspects of my family that are so out of whack and i get hit again with chains of bondage lashing out at me; im not sure if im giving in or not.
i hold my family together well. they function better when im around. its like im a link sometimes between my brother and my parents, between my grandma and my parents, between my parents themselves. theres darkness here thats sneaky- like, you wonder if its darkness really, after a few hours.
........is it really all that bad?
........thats just how we are...
the good things about being here this weekend are that God gave me specific and purposeful time with both parents, my grandma, and noah. jess--duuno if im gonna see her. didnt feel that meeting up with her was a need in my heart as i was driving down.
i spoke boldly and mostly kindly. its a progress.
noahs probably going to stay living in durango, CO, after he finishes the camp there this summer.
i love my parents and respect them greatly more than i ever have in my life. AND i am sorrowful how they have decided to interact w us kids at times. i am sorrowful over how i decide to act sometimes.
my dad said something pretty awesome. i think it has truth- that we're all connected, our immediate family. and not just physically, but whatever is happening spiritually- it is transmitted in a way to the others. i want more for my family now, and i want more for my family in the future, and i want more for my family that i hope to build.
so, kinda a long snapshot of what it feels like to come back. beauty and love and known, and frustration and tension. i know yall can relate.
05 May 2012
22 April 2012
today was good and hard and great. and restful
i have again stayed up WAY later than planned. each night i think,, i will maybe go to bed before 10...
hah.
i think im addicted to caffine - ok, its telling me that every way ive been trying to type that is wrong. im tired.
yea, so i had a headache today that went away halfway through a very delicious cup.
my day:
wake up, feel less tired than i have in a while, yay....feel great about how i am dressed! get in the car and realize the dress im wearing, really IS too short to be wearing by itself. go back inside and put on tights that make it look way less cute. but i feel better. yay GOD.hes been pushing me for more modesty, which is a hard thing for this girl. hard when youre whole life you believed you werent really worth looking at, so why did it matter? and being skinnier, you can get away with dressing a certain way sometimes, and i grew up on the beach... but i digress.
go to bible study class ,and get slapped in the face with a few things.
1) i dont have a 5 year plan/ idea about what i want in my life/ walk w God.
2) waaaay too early to be talking about marriage. AHHH tender!! stop!!
3) crazy older man that decided to join our class (thats fine), decides to steamroll us with all his ideas about great marriage, hes probably -at the least- 55, more like 60....been married 11 yrs.....QUIT talking! youre wounding me with some of your comments, and this discussion isnt for your benefit! let us talk this out!
recovered in big church. was handed some more from God about being bold.
hes been teaching me about trading my "moses"-- fears, doubts, doing things my way
for my "joshua"-- hearing and obeying quickly, being a yes person for the Lord, trusting and being prompt with walking out what he gives. no second guessing.
came home and had a prayer meeting about kids club. its going to be ok. God is already working in the manager to be open to what we have to say. i wrote a card to her too- she just losst her grandmother this past week, and she lost her brother over christmas. it was encouraging, but i also was REALLY bold and blatant about Jesus and her needing to accept what he did for her need. so cool. i was only marginally scared when writing it. but there has been peace! im changing! im not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for those who believe! [somewhere in romans?!? thats another thing God spoke to me today. i have to memorize where things are in the bible.]
after the meeting i was really needing special time w God. i know when i need special time w him, because my longing will be masked by this intense desire to be with other people. and usually theres a romantic longing wedged in there too. so.
did some errands ---> aka bath and body works eucalyptus spearmint smell for my house, cat litter, and shoes with my birthday coupon from dsw.
wanted to go to grassroots coffee- they close early. poo.
drove around aimlessly, with a headache, wondering if it was sinus pressure and if im getting that thing thats going around, with strep that gets out of hand.
ended up at milanos, on the patio w some great coffee. and my bible study, and then my journal. headache gone.
and, little known fact. so little, i was unaware until today:
heather is stressed out about her birthday.
not because she is turning 29, but because she is not planning anything.
she is leaving it up to a few people who have mentioned in passing, not very forcefully, that they would create a surprise for her.
she has refrained from asking how the planning is going.
she has a growing fear that she will be disappointed in her friends.
it makes her sad to think that she could be disappointed in something done out of love and with the best intentions.
she is tired in her body and tired of talking about herself in the 3rd person. goodnight.
ohh!!! one more thing! sue gave me a necklace called rahab's rope....so cool! rahabsrope.com
it solidified something in me. but im not speaking of it yet.
hah.
i think im addicted to caffine - ok, its telling me that every way ive been trying to type that is wrong. im tired.
yea, so i had a headache today that went away halfway through a very delicious cup.
my day:
wake up, feel less tired than i have in a while, yay....feel great about how i am dressed! get in the car and realize the dress im wearing, really IS too short to be wearing by itself. go back inside and put on tights that make it look way less cute. but i feel better. yay GOD.hes been pushing me for more modesty, which is a hard thing for this girl. hard when youre whole life you believed you werent really worth looking at, so why did it matter? and being skinnier, you can get away with dressing a certain way sometimes, and i grew up on the beach... but i digress.
go to bible study class ,and get slapped in the face with a few things.
1) i dont have a 5 year plan/ idea about what i want in my life/ walk w God.
2) waaaay too early to be talking about marriage. AHHH tender!! stop!!
3) crazy older man that decided to join our class (thats fine), decides to steamroll us with all his ideas about great marriage, hes probably -at the least- 55, more like 60....been married 11 yrs.....QUIT talking! youre wounding me with some of your comments, and this discussion isnt for your benefit! let us talk this out!
recovered in big church. was handed some more from God about being bold.
hes been teaching me about trading my "moses"-- fears, doubts, doing things my way
for my "joshua"-- hearing and obeying quickly, being a yes person for the Lord, trusting and being prompt with walking out what he gives. no second guessing.
came home and had a prayer meeting about kids club. its going to be ok. God is already working in the manager to be open to what we have to say. i wrote a card to her too- she just losst her grandmother this past week, and she lost her brother over christmas. it was encouraging, but i also was REALLY bold and blatant about Jesus and her needing to accept what he did for her need. so cool. i was only marginally scared when writing it. but there has been peace! im changing! im not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for those who believe! [somewhere in romans?!? thats another thing God spoke to me today. i have to memorize where things are in the bible.]
after the meeting i was really needing special time w God. i know when i need special time w him, because my longing will be masked by this intense desire to be with other people. and usually theres a romantic longing wedged in there too. so.
did some errands ---> aka bath and body works eucalyptus spearmint smell for my house, cat litter, and shoes with my birthday coupon from dsw.
wanted to go to grassroots coffee- they close early. poo.
drove around aimlessly, with a headache, wondering if it was sinus pressure and if im getting that thing thats going around, with strep that gets out of hand.
ended up at milanos, on the patio w some great coffee. and my bible study, and then my journal. headache gone.
and, little known fact. so little, i was unaware until today:
heather is stressed out about her birthday.
not because she is turning 29, but because she is not planning anything.
she is leaving it up to a few people who have mentioned in passing, not very forcefully, that they would create a surprise for her.
she has refrained from asking how the planning is going.
she has a growing fear that she will be disappointed in her friends.
it makes her sad to think that she could be disappointed in something done out of love and with the best intentions.
she is tired in her body and tired of talking about herself in the 3rd person. goodnight.
ohh!!! one more thing! sue gave me a necklace called rahab's rope....so cool! rahabsrope.com
it solidified something in me. but im not speaking of it yet.
04 April 2012
remembering
i remember hosea, the picture of my Ishe.
my God.
i remember gomer. the picture of me, my wandering heart.
and seemingly because of my wandering [ it says "therefore"--well, it has a few of them. its progressive]
he is alluring me. being his charming self, drawing me with his tender words....
into the desert.
into the wilderness, a place unknown and evil to my lovers. a place far from my jewelry and masks. far away from the comforts that make me self- sufficient.
and i have to look to him for daily sustaining and guiding words.
even walking in trouble, he teaches me to look for the hope. he teaches me to sing here, when it doesnt make sense to sing.
the words that have been used to keep me entrapped by my strongholds will be removed. my mouth will not know them anymore.
his bride price he gives is his righteousness. justice. love. compassion. faithfulness is his promise forever. he wont change how he feels about me.
he will ground me, sustain me, and cause me to flourish in the land that he chooses, and for himself.
i am who i am for him. he longs to see me grow up in him, know him.
God made us, and then he had to take a break. i think its because he was overwhelmed w love for the souls he had in mind, and he was so excited to spend some time w adam.
and i was undone in adams side. but coming. becoming.
hosea 2 genesis 2
my God.
i remember gomer. the picture of me, my wandering heart.
and seemingly because of my wandering [ it says "therefore"--well, it has a few of them. its progressive]
he is alluring me. being his charming self, drawing me with his tender words....
into the desert.
into the wilderness, a place unknown and evil to my lovers. a place far from my jewelry and masks. far away from the comforts that make me self- sufficient.
and i have to look to him for daily sustaining and guiding words.
even walking in trouble, he teaches me to look for the hope. he teaches me to sing here, when it doesnt make sense to sing.
the words that have been used to keep me entrapped by my strongholds will be removed. my mouth will not know them anymore.
his bride price he gives is his righteousness. justice. love. compassion. faithfulness is his promise forever. he wont change how he feels about me.
he will ground me, sustain me, and cause me to flourish in the land that he chooses, and for himself.
i am who i am for him. he longs to see me grow up in him, know him.
God made us, and then he had to take a break. i think its because he was overwhelmed w love for the souls he had in mind, and he was so excited to spend some time w adam.
and i was undone in adams side. but coming. becoming.
hosea 2 genesis 2
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