im better, and the same. went to eat and watch a movie w carlos today, since last tues was his birthday, and he isnt [or thinks he isnt] much into celebrating himself. he's jobless and a young man, living w his mom and 2 sisters. so i knew he would understand the depressed unknowing that i have right now. it was nice to tell non girl ears. and he listened, and understood, and he shared a little of how that has been the same for him.
he suggested going to ross, just to see if there was a shower curtain there:) his hopefulness was catching. no, i didnt find one, but it felt good for someone to enter that "silly" place with me and encourage hopefulness.
i trust God. i have no freaking idea what hes about, other than to still my heart. that seems to be the prevalence right now. i turned down going to the pool with the girls today- we are going tomorrow. they need to know that the disappointment of my no doesnt mean i dont want to be around them. i think its harder for me to say no to people [esp! children], than for them to hear it.
today i returned something to academy...and God prompted me to pick up my devotional book that was in the car, and read the "wrong" day. it asked me why i was still mourning? (ps. 42:9)and i took it a little as anb affront at first, then started crying as spurgeon reminded me that there is the morning, and it will come. God will not keep me here forever. it was breath, deep and rich in oxygen after being 10 feet under, looking for something in sunscreen- laden water. ...can you tell ive been at the pool alot recently?
we are going to be looking at chapter 5 in bible study sunday, and there is a section on humility, and to put it on. then it talks about resisting the devil, being sober minded and such. i cant go into it all right now, but there was several levels where God was speaking to me. he showed me the humiliation that comes from obedience to him. we cant really make our lives make sense to others when we are in obedience. because our obedience to God will most likely not look like success in the worldly sense. not all the time, anyway. and not being understood by others. it creates humiliation for me. but i cant stay there. because i must be sober minded and alert to resist the attacks. and so i take my humiliation to God, exchange it for humbleness, and clothe myself with that so i wont be nakedly misunderstood.
"Faint not nor fear, His arms are near,
He changeth not, and thou art dear;
Only believe and thou shalt see,
That Christ is all in all to thee." -spurgeon
22 June 2012
20 June 2012
shower curtain
"maybe God meant it for a transition thing- like, a tangible,visible reminder that im just shifting. "
nope. i hate it. i dont want to put it up; im just going to take it down. and everyone knows doing all those little grommets on a shower curtain arent fun.id be doing a liner and i showey curtain.
yep. i bought a see- thru cobra[snakeskin] print shower curtain. the outline was a khaki lime green. and then i picked up a baby blue cloth liner.
[please dont judge me. im fragile. and ive judged myself already]
i sat on my couch, ambivalent, crying, and just staring at the pile of hated shower curtain in my bathroom. ive never bought anything ive hated before. it was a weird feeling. i wondered why getting a new shower curtain suddenly became so important. i think i felt dispair that id never find the right kind of nautical wonderfulness i was looking for. i am very picky about shower curtains. i dislike most. and of the percentage that i do like, most i wouldnt have in my own home because they dont fit me. so. i just settled. ive settled before for other things...this just couldnt be, though. i think what made me mad, too, was that id already thrown some of the packaging away at the store and i felt it worthless to return shower curtains that came out to a whopping 14$. i guess thats alot.
that was monday...my hearts been tender, and not just there. im looking at a couple things right now.
where am i feeling strife and confusion? thats where im not allowing God.
that feels huge because i feel like a ball of strife. inward stress and tension.
i am frustrated with the verse ---seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness. --because i finally understand really that it means just to go after him, and dont worry about the rest. and ive tried that and i couldnt see the "all these things" being added. i think im sad that it seems time and soaking up of God and his word doesnt feel more exciting.
im afraid of becoming one of those people that is always sad and awkward and people dont like having them around,really, but they feel an obligation to invite them and include them. im afraid no one will tell me what they truely think of me and everyone is lying to me.
i look at me and look at people around me and wonder if i will be happy again, wonder what anyone would ever see in me. wonder why any man would pick me when there are prettier, more capable and more enticing women about. i was reading listening to love today at lunch and God took me down a path that showed me i really am ultimately waiting to receive my measurement of worth by who chooses me . who marries me. it will show me that i am enough pretty/ desireable, i am enough capable leader, i am enoughh excitement and enough of a helper in his ministry.
i feel disgusting and weak here. i see all these lies. i know theyre lies. the truth just being spoken and not being felt and understood by my heart is getting old. when is God going to let it sink in, so i dont have to be so self centered and needing my ego stroked?
so. thats the main thrust of everything. hope i'll grow, and be able to report joy soon.
oh! and all this stuff- i cant change! im not strong enough, i dont understand it, and i dont have good tools. and so im at the mercy of God. that may sound really great and christian, but im not liking it. so far, its just meant alot of crying for who the hell knows why, and alot of questions, and sitting with my hands unable to do[metaphorically]. waiting.
nope. i hate it. i dont want to put it up; im just going to take it down. and everyone knows doing all those little grommets on a shower curtain arent fun.id be doing a liner and i showey curtain.
yep. i bought a see- thru cobra[snakeskin] print shower curtain. the outline was a khaki lime green. and then i picked up a baby blue cloth liner.
[please dont judge me. im fragile. and ive judged myself already]
i sat on my couch, ambivalent, crying, and just staring at the pile of hated shower curtain in my bathroom. ive never bought anything ive hated before. it was a weird feeling. i wondered why getting a new shower curtain suddenly became so important. i think i felt dispair that id never find the right kind of nautical wonderfulness i was looking for. i am very picky about shower curtains. i dislike most. and of the percentage that i do like, most i wouldnt have in my own home because they dont fit me. so. i just settled. ive settled before for other things...this just couldnt be, though. i think what made me mad, too, was that id already thrown some of the packaging away at the store and i felt it worthless to return shower curtains that came out to a whopping 14$. i guess thats alot.
that was monday...my hearts been tender, and not just there. im looking at a couple things right now.
where am i feeling strife and confusion? thats where im not allowing God.
that feels huge because i feel like a ball of strife. inward stress and tension.
i am frustrated with the verse ---seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness. --because i finally understand really that it means just to go after him, and dont worry about the rest. and ive tried that and i couldnt see the "all these things" being added. i think im sad that it seems time and soaking up of God and his word doesnt feel more exciting.
im afraid of becoming one of those people that is always sad and awkward and people dont like having them around,really, but they feel an obligation to invite them and include them. im afraid no one will tell me what they truely think of me and everyone is lying to me.
i look at me and look at people around me and wonder if i will be happy again, wonder what anyone would ever see in me. wonder why any man would pick me when there are prettier, more capable and more enticing women about. i was reading listening to love today at lunch and God took me down a path that showed me i really am ultimately waiting to receive my measurement of worth by who chooses me . who marries me. it will show me that i am enough pretty/ desireable, i am enough capable leader, i am enoughh excitement and enough of a helper in his ministry.
i feel disgusting and weak here. i see all these lies. i know theyre lies. the truth just being spoken and not being felt and understood by my heart is getting old. when is God going to let it sink in, so i dont have to be so self centered and needing my ego stroked?
so. thats the main thrust of everything. hope i'll grow, and be able to report joy soon.
oh! and all this stuff- i cant change! im not strong enough, i dont understand it, and i dont have good tools. and so im at the mercy of God. that may sound really great and christian, but im not liking it. so far, its just meant alot of crying for who the hell knows why, and alot of questions, and sitting with my hands unable to do[metaphorically]. waiting.
14 June 2012
i am bipolar spiritually. case in point.
last blog was happiness, in the latter sentences, about God being so good, and how i was excited that i had nothing to do after work, and it was gonna be great[ implied greatness].
i had thoughts of reading, and catching up on some pondering, and maybe tying up some loose ends around the house...just generally being quietly productive.
i watched a movie and over ate and felt so blah and started hating my life and deciding that i hate God sometimes. i didnt want to numb out and i did.
i want my life to look different and i fuss at God to change me and of course he doesnt because for some reason i need to grow. last night in the bathtub- where i hated myself because im such a lazy american slob using up hot water needlessly, and i didnt do anything of worth that day--ok, in the bathtub i thought, if i didnt know suicide was wrong, and IF I COULD BE ASSURED THAT IT WOULD WORK AND WOULDNT HURT, i would do it. and then i was so fitfully sad and full of hatred that i 1) was a pansy, and 2) would really think of killing myself *now* after i know better, really, and in my deepest heart do love the Lord...even though last night and this morning it was like pure revulsion to admit that i did need God and liked him. im better now.. i heard again that im working to hard and trying to control things/ micromanage/ make things make sense. reading listening to love this morning was easier than picking up my bible.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://histablefortwo.blogspot.com/2012/06/when-wave-of-hand-is-not-gods-way.html
that was just HANDED to me by a God that loves me and i dont understand him. God is so stinkin perfect. this is why i want a husband. so there will be another imperfect person close to me.
last blog was happiness, in the latter sentences, about God being so good, and how i was excited that i had nothing to do after work, and it was gonna be great[ implied greatness].
i had thoughts of reading, and catching up on some pondering, and maybe tying up some loose ends around the house...just generally being quietly productive.
i watched a movie and over ate and felt so blah and started hating my life and deciding that i hate God sometimes. i didnt want to numb out and i did.
i want my life to look different and i fuss at God to change me and of course he doesnt because for some reason i need to grow. last night in the bathtub- where i hated myself because im such a lazy american slob using up hot water needlessly, and i didnt do anything of worth that day--ok, in the bathtub i thought, if i didnt know suicide was wrong, and IF I COULD BE ASSURED THAT IT WOULD WORK AND WOULDNT HURT, i would do it. and then i was so fitfully sad and full of hatred that i 1) was a pansy, and 2) would really think of killing myself *now* after i know better, really, and in my deepest heart do love the Lord...even though last night and this morning it was like pure revulsion to admit that i did need God and liked him. im better now.. i heard again that im working to hard and trying to control things/ micromanage/ make things make sense. reading listening to love this morning was easier than picking up my bible.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://histablefortwo.blogspot.com/2012/06/when-wave-of-hand-is-not-gods-way.html
that was just HANDED to me by a God that loves me and i dont understand him. God is so stinkin perfect. this is why i want a husband. so there will be another imperfect person close to me.
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