im better, and the same. went to eat and watch a movie w carlos today, since last tues was his birthday,  and he isnt [or thinks he isnt] much into celebrating himself. he's jobless and a young man, living w his mom and 2 sisters. so i  knew he would understand the depressed unknowing that i have right now. it was nice to tell non girl ears. and he listened, and understood, and he shared a little of how that has been the same for him. 
he suggested going to ross, just to see if there was a shower curtain there:) his hopefulness was catching. no, i didnt find one, but it felt good for someone to enter that "silly" place with me and encourage hopefulness.

i trust God. i have no freaking idea what hes about, other than to still my heart. that seems to be the prevalence right now. i turned down going to the pool with the girls today- we are going tomorrow. they need to know that the disappointment of my no doesnt mean i dont want to be around them. i think its harder for me to say  no to people [esp! children], than for them to hear it.
today i returned something to academy...and God  prompted me to pick up my devotional book that was in the car, and read the "wrong" day. it asked me why i was still mourning? (ps. 42:9)and i took it a little as anb affront at first, then started crying as spurgeon reminded me that there is the morning, and it will come. God will not keep me here forever. it was breath, deep and rich in oxygen after being 10 feet under, looking for something in sunscreen- laden water. ...can you tell ive been at the pool alot recently?
we are going to be looking at chapter 5 in bible study sunday, and there is a section on humility, and to put it on. then it talks about resisting the devil, being sober minded and such. i cant go into it all right now, but there was several levels where God was speaking to me. he showed me the humiliation that comes from obedience to him. we cant really make our lives make sense to others when we are in obedience. because our obedience to God will most likely not look like success in the worldly sense. not all the time, anyway. and not being understood by others. it creates humiliation for me. but i cant stay there. because i must be sober minded and alert to resist the attacks. and so i take my humiliation  to God, exchange it for humbleness, and clothe myself with that so i wont be nakedly misunderstood.
 "Faint not nor fear, His arms are near,
He changeth not, and thou art dear;
Only believe and thou shalt see,
That Christ is all in all to thee."     -spurgeon