shower curtain

"maybe God meant it for a transition thing- like, a tangible,visible reminder that im just shifting. "
nope. i hate it. i dont want to put it up; im just going to  take it down. and everyone knows doing all those little grommets on a shower curtain arent fun.id be doing a liner and i showey curtain.

yep. i bought a see- thru cobra[snakeskin] print shower curtain. the outline was a khaki lime green. and then i picked up a baby blue cloth liner.
[please dont judge me. im fragile. and ive judged myself already]
i sat on my couch, ambivalent, crying, and just staring at the pile of hated shower curtain in my bathroom. ive never bought anything ive hated before. it was a weird feeling. i wondered why getting a new shower curtain suddenly became so important. i think i felt dispair that id never find the right kind of nautical wonderfulness i was looking for. i am  very picky about shower curtains. i dislike most. and of the percentage that i do like, most i wouldnt have in my own home because they dont fit me. so. i just settled.  ive settled before for other things...this just couldnt be, though. i think what made me mad, too, was that id already thrown some of the packaging away at the store and i felt it worthless to return shower curtains that came out to a whopping 14$. i guess thats alot.
that was monday...my hearts been tender, and not just there. im looking at a couple things right now.
where am i feeling strife and confusion?  thats where im not allowing God.
that feels huge because i feel like a ball of strife. inward stress and tension.
i am frustrated with the verse ---seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness. --because i finally understand really that it means just to go after him, and dont worry about the rest. and ive tried that and i couldnt see the "all these things" being added. i think im sad that it seems time and soaking up of God and his word doesnt feel more exciting.
im afraid of becoming one of those people that is always sad and awkward and people dont like having them around,really, but they feel an obligation to invite them and include them. im afraid no one will tell me what they truely think of me and everyone is lying to me.
i look at me and look at people around me and wonder if i will be happy again, wonder what anyone would ever see in me. wonder why any man would pick me when there are prettier, more capable and more enticing women about.  i  was reading listening to love today at lunch and God took me down a path that showed me i really am ultimately waiting to receive my measurement of worth by who chooses me . who marries me. it will show me that i am enough pretty/ desireable, i am enough capable leader, i am enoughh excitement and enough of a helper in his ministry.
i feel disgusting and weak here.  i see all these lies. i know theyre lies. the truth just being spoken and not being felt and understood by my heart is getting old. when is God going to let it sink in, so i dont have to  be so self centered and needing my ego stroked?
so. thats the main thrust of everything. hope i'll grow, and be able to report joy soon.
oh! and all this stuff- i cant change! im not strong enough, i dont understand it, and i dont have good tools. and so im at the mercy of God. that may sound really great and christian, but im not liking it. so far, its just meant alot of crying for who the hell knows why, and alot of questions, and sitting with my hands unable to do[metaphorically]. waiting.