i am bipolar spiritually. case in point.
last blog was happiness, in the latter sentences, about God being so good, and how i was excited that i had nothing to do after work, and it was gonna be great[ implied greatness].
i had thoughts of reading, and catching up on some pondering, and maybe tying up some loose ends around the house...just generally being quietly productive.
i watched a movie and over ate and felt so blah and started hating my life and deciding that i hate God sometimes. i didnt want to numb out and i did.
i want my life to look different and i fuss at God to change me and of course he doesnt because for some reason i need to grow. last night in the bathtub- where i hated myself because im such a lazy american slob using up hot water needlessly, and i didnt do anything of worth that day--ok, in the bathtub i thought, if i didnt know suicide was wrong, and IF I COULD BE ASSURED THAT IT WOULD WORK AND WOULDNT HURT, i would do it. and then i was so fitfully sad and full of hatred that i 1) was a pansy, and 2) would really think of killing myself *now* after i know better, really, and in my deepest heart do love the Lord...even though last night and this morning it was like pure revulsion to admit that i did need God and liked him. im better now.. i heard again that im working to hard and trying to control things/ micromanage/ make things make sense. reading listening to love this morning was easier than picking up my bible.
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http://histablefortwo.blogspot.com/2012/06/when-wave-of-hand-is-not-gods-way.html
that was just HANDED to me by a God that loves me and i dont understand him. God is so stinkin perfect. this is why i want a husband. so there will be another imperfect person close to me.
You are not alone in these areas. There seems to be a dissatisfaction in something other than God, since you know deep down you love him and he listens to you. Is there a deeper unsettling than marriage that you havn't talked with God about or discovered?
ReplyDeleteOh girl, you need to read this every day and fight for your thoughts. Philippians 4: 4-9 has been a great help to me over the past year. I have it posted in my shower so that I read it, pray it, and choose to believe it every day. :) Here it is:
ReplyDelete"4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."
.... a few other thoughts ....
ReplyDelete1. Thank God for your bath - it is a blessing!
2. Suicide would never be from the Lord
3. Test your thoughts to see if they truly stand up to what Phil. says. Are they true? Noble, lovely, pure things to be thinking about? Are they excellent and praiseworthy?