i feel my life has been more full lately of married people, and married people with babies. i think this is the natural progression of things:)
seriously though, its sinking in more that most of my friends are married, or are going to be soon- even if they dont know it yet, in all likelihood within the next couple of years i imagine most of the single people i know now will be in a serious relationship.
being around "marrieds," i am learning to pay attention. i listen to how they talk to and about each other. i listen to [ mostly the women] their personal view of themselves, and i take note of how that colors how they interact with their husbands. not that im really taking notes and trying to create any formulas. its more about realizing how much we need people, and how much we are broken. id like to think that id be the best communicator, or not have an issue with this or that- these things that i cant help judge my married friends on as i observe. but God has been merciful and recently has opened my mind and heart to the facts of who i am, and if this marriage thing does happen to me, that it will be difficult.
a week or so ago a coworker seared me with some words. but they are a helpful, healing type of searing. i am too much in control of my life, and need to relax my rules and standards. at first i balked at this, and on some levels i still do. sitting with the thoughts that have been brought about by that comment, and spending some time with some very good friends that are a year into their marriage, i am beginning to see what she means.
one of my control panels is fear.
::SHIFT::
i dont want to pull that apart for you; if you wanna chat, cool.
the other side of this coin is-- WHAT THE HECK!?
it says in the bible it is good to stay single, according to pauls' estimation. and there are many people that are precious in the world that are single, never married. their lives matter just as much. i think that if everyone else got off my back about marriage, and would stop talking about setting me up, and gave grace when i do need to cry about it, the world would be a better place. not just me, either. im totally talking about the church. what would the church and its interactions look like, if we honestly weren't so crazy stupid about getting married; if we realized truely that it takes all of us, and we are all of use and have equal worth, regardless of our station. that being said, i believe we are missing out on some deep love and amazingness from our lovely grandparent and great-- grandparent types in the church.
::SHIFT::
my trip was great; i loved the feeling of driving all that way by myself- id never gone that far all by myself before. made it back in one day. i was making great time, and then dallas construction had not the best signage and i got off track. still got home before 10. and i started driving at 7. had been awake since 5 30. my butt hurt insanely in the last hour, but i wondered if it was true straight - up pain, or if there was psychological tired-ness from knowing i was so close. zach and linds have a great church. and i will never live in tennessee, God have mercy. [they live in mississippi, but on the border. pretty much everything they do is in tn.]
16 October 2012
03 October 2012
im blogging alot. my mind is going.
i need to go to bed soon, but i just want to talk a little bit, and i have no idea who to call. i dont like calling people at this time of night, because its not late enough for them to really say, hey, i just want to wind down and go to bed. well, some people would. but yea.
im thinking about my sabbath year that i am not 2 months into. leviticus talks about the land just growing what it will in that time. and the people resting, letting it grow, and using it.
there is growth that i have not planted. {can i just say, i LOVE that my sabbath year will also be the year i turn 30!?? ok]
there is growth that i have not planned.there, waiting in the soil of my life, are nutrients and possibilities that have just been dormant. i have planned and planted and watered and all that jazz, and it has been good. God has handed seeds over at times as well-- almost all the time. there are some things that were planted and cultivated that never should have been, had choked good out and killed alot. thankfully God uses these and there was fertilization from this death.
and now , all that has been waiting in THESE years is going to start spouting. what will be fruitful, what will be flowering, what will be shading and holding earth intact against the elements. ya know. all this metaphor.
i have a thought---i feel risky thinking it, and saying it. if you work [ed] with me at my job, you will [would] laugh at what im about to say:
its all good.
holding strongly [albeit small-ly] in my gut is the trust and belief that EVERYTHING that comes out of this year is GOOD
its blowing my mind.
and, i hold that gravely, knowing that, even right now, some people close to me are dealing with pain and fear and stress over the future of their business, poss death, money crisis....all the things just mentioned are different families. its crazy. and i wonder how he can give me such peace and i dont have any difficulty, while dear hearts suffer. i know all the theology and reasoning [ and lovingkindness!] behind the answer to that. i still want to ask.
im thinking about my sabbath year that i am not 2 months into. leviticus talks about the land just growing what it will in that time. and the people resting, letting it grow, and using it.
there is growth that i have not planted. {can i just say, i LOVE that my sabbath year will also be the year i turn 30!?? ok]
there is growth that i have not planned.there, waiting in the soil of my life, are nutrients and possibilities that have just been dormant. i have planned and planted and watered and all that jazz, and it has been good. God has handed seeds over at times as well-- almost all the time. there are some things that were planted and cultivated that never should have been, had choked good out and killed alot. thankfully God uses these and there was fertilization from this death.
and now , all that has been waiting in THESE years is going to start spouting. what will be fruitful, what will be flowering, what will be shading and holding earth intact against the elements. ya know. all this metaphor.
i have a thought---i feel risky thinking it, and saying it. if you work [ed] with me at my job, you will [would] laugh at what im about to say:
its all good.
holding strongly [albeit small-ly] in my gut is the trust and belief that EVERYTHING that comes out of this year is GOOD
its blowing my mind.
and, i hold that gravely, knowing that, even right now, some people close to me are dealing with pain and fear and stress over the future of their business, poss death, money crisis....all the things just mentioned are different families. its crazy. and i wonder how he can give me such peace and i dont have any difficulty, while dear hearts suffer. i know all the theology and reasoning [ and lovingkindness!] behind the answer to that. i still want to ask.
02 October 2012
watched the moon rise through the trees
im wondering about doubting. not that i *am* doubting, but
hahaah. anyway, i have had alot of opportunities handed to me, made available, etc. as ive started talking more about my passions and hopes for ministry to my friends, there has been alot of suggestions, information, encouragement, and offers.
i forget that ive told a friend what id like to do with my life, and a few weeks later, they mention that someone they know/ met does such and such job, and they can hook me up into that ministry there, or just to chat with the person more...
my mom is even getting in on this action, which is crazy. shes usually more sedate, even - keel, and fearful. she actually is sounding way more excited as the days go, way more encouraging. thank you God.
a few months ago, i agreed that i was going to obey God more, be obedient, and open to what he wanted for my daily life, and for my future. also started pursuing [just in my heart at first] all of the facts about what my desires and passions even were. like really. like trying to see if they could be fleshed out.
it has led me to volunteer at the childrens shelter, look into various overseas and at home ministries that deal with sex trafficking, look into a social work degree and possibly start a kids club at my apt again, realize i need to learn spanish, say yes to getting trained for strip club ministry, and doing a dental mission in guatemala.
this has happened all in a few months. some of it in just the last couple days.
holding all the opportunity of these things has been an exercise in itself. so much peace flows in my life right now, its insane. we should bottle this and sell it.
coming back to the first thought here, though- im not doubting, but this very open obedience has a feel and smell of doubting. saying yes to all of the everything i can possibly do, looks like i dont know what im doing. i kinda dont. and im REALLY ok with that. i believe the Lord has alerted me to the possibility of doubting, that it could creep up on me.
his ways are not my ways, or his thoughts mine. hes working my life out and holding on to me. i just cant over- yes. thats it, right?
i started worrying a bit tonight about the money, the language, and not having any knowledge about guatemala or the people, no reference points other than the people in matamoros that live in the dump there. i keep recalling all the experiences i have had, piecing together different bits of info to prepare my mind and heart. it wont be sufficient. i have this inkling that i will be feeling totally inept. i dont know anyone that is going. there are 20 people[ i mean, i might know some of them. we'll see]. im going to be in mississippi when they are having their last meeting. i will meet them at the airport. pray i will be able to sleep this next month; my mind likes to run.
hahaah. anyway, i have had alot of opportunities handed to me, made available, etc. as ive started talking more about my passions and hopes for ministry to my friends, there has been alot of suggestions, information, encouragement, and offers.
i forget that ive told a friend what id like to do with my life, and a few weeks later, they mention that someone they know/ met does such and such job, and they can hook me up into that ministry there, or just to chat with the person more...
my mom is even getting in on this action, which is crazy. shes usually more sedate, even - keel, and fearful. she actually is sounding way more excited as the days go, way more encouraging. thank you God.
a few months ago, i agreed that i was going to obey God more, be obedient, and open to what he wanted for my daily life, and for my future. also started pursuing [just in my heart at first] all of the facts about what my desires and passions even were. like really. like trying to see if they could be fleshed out.
it has led me to volunteer at the childrens shelter, look into various overseas and at home ministries that deal with sex trafficking, look into a social work degree and possibly start a kids club at my apt again, realize i need to learn spanish, say yes to getting trained for strip club ministry, and doing a dental mission in guatemala.
this has happened all in a few months. some of it in just the last couple days.
holding all the opportunity of these things has been an exercise in itself. so much peace flows in my life right now, its insane. we should bottle this and sell it.
coming back to the first thought here, though- im not doubting, but this very open obedience has a feel and smell of doubting. saying yes to all of the everything i can possibly do, looks like i dont know what im doing. i kinda dont. and im REALLY ok with that. i believe the Lord has alerted me to the possibility of doubting, that it could creep up on me.
his ways are not my ways, or his thoughts mine. hes working my life out and holding on to me. i just cant over- yes. thats it, right?
i started worrying a bit tonight about the money, the language, and not having any knowledge about guatemala or the people, no reference points other than the people in matamoros that live in the dump there. i keep recalling all the experiences i have had, piecing together different bits of info to prepare my mind and heart. it wont be sufficient. i have this inkling that i will be feeling totally inept. i dont know anyone that is going. there are 20 people[ i mean, i might know some of them. we'll see]. im going to be in mississippi when they are having their last meeting. i will meet them at the airport. pray i will be able to sleep this next month; my mind likes to run.
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