warning to singles:single rant/ musings. if youre in a deep blah single moment, this may make you feel better, or worse.

i feel my life has been more full lately of married people, and married people with babies. i think this is the natural progression of things:)
seriously though, its sinking in more that most of my friends are married, or are going to be soon- even if they dont know it yet, in all likelihood within the next couple of years i imagine most of the single people i know now will be in a serious relationship.
being around "marrieds," i am learning to pay attention. i listen to how they talk to and about each other. i listen to [ mostly the women] their personal view of themselves, and i take note of how that colors how they interact with their husbands. not that im really taking notes and trying to create any formulas.  its more about realizing how much we need people, and how much we are broken. id like to think that id be the best communicator, or not have an issue with this or that- these things that i cant help judge my married friends on as i observe. but God has been merciful and recently has opened my mind and heart to the facts of who i am, and if this marriage thing does happen to me, that it will be difficult.
a week or so ago a coworker seared me with some words. but they are a helpful, healing type of searing. i am too much in control of my life, and need to relax my rules and standards. at first i balked at this, and on some levels i still do. sitting with the thoughts that have been brought about by that comment, and spending some time with some very good friends that are a year into their marriage, i am beginning to see what she means.
one of my control panels is fear.
::SHIFT::
i dont want to pull that apart for you; if you wanna chat, cool.
the other side of this coin is-- WHAT THE HECK!?
it says in the bible it is good to stay single, according to pauls' estimation. and there are many people that are precious in the world that are single, never married.  their lives matter just as much. i think that if everyone else got off my back about marriage, and would stop talking about setting me up, and  gave grace when i do need to cry about it, the world would be a better place.  not just me, either. im totally talking about the church. what would the church and its interactions look like, if we honestly weren't so crazy stupid about getting married; if we realized truely that it takes all of us, and we are all of use and have equal worth, regardless of our station. that being said, i believe we are missing out on some deep love and amazingness from our lovely grandparent and great-- grandparent types in the church.
 ::SHIFT::
my trip was great; i loved the feeling of driving all that way by myself- id never gone that far all by myself before. made it back in one day. i was making great time, and then  dallas construction had not the best signage and i got off track. still got home before 10. and i started driving at 7. had been awake since 5 30. my butt hurt insanely in the last hour, but i wondered if it was true straight - up pain, or if there was psychological tired-ness from knowing i was so close. zach and linds have a great church. and i will never live in tennessee, God have mercy. [they live in mississippi,  but on the border. pretty much everything they do is in tn.]