im wondering about doubting. not that i *am* doubting, but
hahaah. anyway, i have had alot of opportunities handed to me, made available, etc. as ive started talking more about my passions and hopes for ministry to my friends, there has been alot of suggestions, information, encouragement, and offers.
i forget that ive told a friend what id like to do with my life, and a few weeks later, they mention that someone they know/ met does such and such job, and they can hook me up into that ministry there, or just to chat with the person more...
my mom is even getting in on this action, which is crazy. shes usually more sedate, even - keel, and fearful. she actually is sounding way more excited as the days go, way more encouraging. thank you God.
a few months ago, i agreed that i was going to obey God more, be obedient, and open to what he wanted for my daily life, and for my future. also started pursuing [just in my heart at first] all of the facts about what my desires and passions even were. like really. like trying to see if they could be fleshed out.
it has led me to volunteer at the childrens shelter, look into various overseas and at home ministries that deal with sex trafficking, look into a social work degree and possibly start a kids club at my apt again, realize i need to learn spanish, say yes to getting trained for strip club ministry, and doing a dental mission in guatemala.
this has happened all in a few months. some of it in just the last couple days.
holding all the opportunity of these things has been an exercise in itself. so much peace flows in my life right now, its insane. we should bottle this and sell it.
coming back to the first thought here, though- im not doubting, but this very open obedience has a feel and smell of doubting. saying yes to all of the everything i can possibly do, looks like i dont know what im doing. i kinda dont. and im REALLY ok with that. i believe the Lord has alerted me to the possibility of doubting, that it could creep up on me.
his ways are not my ways, or his thoughts mine. hes working my life out and holding on to me. i just cant over- yes. thats it, right?
i started worrying a bit tonight about the money, the language, and not having any knowledge about guatemala or the people, no reference points other than the people in matamoros that live in the dump there. i keep recalling all the experiences i have had, piecing together different bits of info to prepare my mind and heart. it wont be sufficient. i have this inkling that i will be feeling totally inept. i dont know anyone that is going. there are 20 people[ i mean, i might know some of them. we'll see]. im going to be in mississippi when they are having their last meeting. i will meet them at the airport. pray i will be able to sleep this next month; my mind likes to run.
I wish we lived much closer together, cousin. I would love to be able to hang out with you more often and more easily. Also, it would be cool for us to be able to get together and have spanish sessions. I was pretty fluent when I was with Rigo, but now that I don't have to use it anymore, I've lost a lot of it. I need to build it back up. :') Love reading your posts. And love you lots. :)
ReplyDelete-taytay