God is always good, and i dont always pay attention. that breeds all kinds of stuff. self-centered thinking, asking why bitterly [which ive found all has its roots in insecurity and distrust.], worrying about my next step...
the wondering that leaves me in the worst place and brings all this on, is when i look at how easily other peoples lives seem to work out. its like God is giving glimpses and they are trusting. or at least learning as they go. i think i get upset that it never feels like anything big happens to me.
::see this thinking? its spiraling already!::
God has my days. and he has the plan. my "risking muscles" need a bit more exercising, its true...hopefully that discipline will come this month. [the first thig on my "list " is to start really learning spanish]
side note on why this feels so hard. even though i am a very artistic, big picture person, i am also a very detail focused person, and i do like my tasks in life to be in boxes- when ones done, then the next one can happen. so with learning any language [ ive tried spanish, gaelic, and romanian- also kicked around the idea of hebrew], they never stuck, because i never MADE it happen. i sorta made it happen. i have this weird fear that if i learn a certain language, that means i will have to be in full time ministry to that people group. which is a big deal if you learn any of the last 3 on that list. requires a move and a culture change.
my mind needs to change to --i GET to minister to people. if knowing a language happens to facilitate ministering to certain people, good.
my other trust issue is the house. i looked again last night for a bit, and found only a few, and they are expensive. i do like that God isnt giving a plethora of good options right now, though. its forcing me to trust him. i can wait on him, it will be ok.
i also have a fear that i might have to move into one of my older single friends' house. that feels like moving back in with parents.
what im hoping for feels too big.
this morning i had off; going in for the afternoon. i am so thankful that God gave this break. i may be out a bit of money, but the rest it gives to my mind and soul is priceless.
thats where im at...and also looking at how im meant to be inviting at every aspect of life, to all people. from being inclusive to those in the body of believers that just rub me to wrong way. to extending the invitation to life consistently to those not in the family.
06 February 2013
17 January 2013
oh! yea. its um, the next year already! ::oops::
love it. i love that i have just been doin life and didnt give more than 5 thoughts to blogging. i just think thats neat
and just like that, with a new year, disciplines are falling into place.[ and just like that i somehow deleted about 3 lines that were typed after that. i guess its meant to be rephrased.]
im falling into joy with spending time with God. it doesnt look like much, but i want it all the time. not just some days.
and, ive been giving myself and others a break! being grateful IS such a great way to cultivate joy and love towards people! who woulda thought...oh yea, lots of people. well, it just takes me a while. [YOUVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! I DID IT AGAIN! I HAD LIKE, 2 PARAS GOING]
maybe i need to strap my pinkie to the ring finger. i think its hitting the tab button, along with some string of other buttons. anyway. i am thankful for this apt, and what it has meant, and how i have grown here. oh. to be able to record all the thoughts that were thought here, all the tears, all the expectancy.
there has been alot of difficulty in this apt. way more tears than laughter.
ive danced less, and painted less than i wanted. but i have known more of God than ever. ive been afraid more, and stepped out more. ive been humbled more/ quieted more. gotten rid of more stuff. this is not at all what i had written previously and then deleted, btw. pretty cool. i wasnt even thinking in this strain before.
theres more that i could say, but it feels cheapened to type.
tomorrow im going to a continuing education course. its actually tomorrow and saturday. i kinda like going to these, even though while im there i could shoot something. i like going sleepy and in regular clothes [guys, i think i really do like being awake in the morning. but on my own terms. not for work.], and i kinda like how it makes me feel important. i dont know how a CE class accomplishes this. but i do. it feels adult-y.
::which btw i will be an OFFICIAL adult in april!! so excited. everyone subconsiously hands you a "legit adult certificate" in their mind when you tell them youre 30. theres respect::
one other thought, maybe 2. it depends.
some of my closer, older[as in we've known each other for a while] friends have recently unveiled their anticipation of my getting married. theyre ready for it to happen, it seems, just as much as [or more than!] me. it feels good to know people want good things for you, and are hoping and praying with you.
ok, yea, 2 things. the following is the 2nd.
ive been doing a friendship study with the people at the "mo"singles ministry, and am blown away by how much of a friend i am NOT. i wasnt expecting that. i had myself on a pretty good pedestal. i thought i understood friendship. and i do, to an extent. its just, i was placing friendship with God as if he were one of us. our friendship with him cannot be mutual- he is so much more and so much perfect. we are friends of God, hes called us friend, as the bible says, but its so crazy! thats why his love is so astounding. theres no way we can or should be able to be his friend. and hes figured this whole thing out where we can be close. its crazy intense and misunderstood and being learned [by me].
other news
eating more protein in the morning as a hope to more healthful living. the moment i tried to cut out more sugar is when i wanted it more. so i figured at least taking my sugary cereal out in the morning was a good start. i havent felt different though.
am learning to love my cats again after an intense time of hatred and wanting to get rid of them. i am still not opposed to getting rid of them.
im letting the orange one outside daily. he likes chewing on grass and staring at free, out door air. its way better than hearing him meow for no reason at all for HOURS. i think he has a brain problem, one that i potentially brought on. not really. maybe.
stretching WAY more than ever in my life- which equates to doing it about once a day for a few minutes, i think. my neck and arms get stretched the most. its what hurts the most. but im finally stretching!
i put some type of make up on every day now for work. i didnt used to be her. but shes ok.
kava kava tea is supposed to help you get sleepy...it doesnt feel like its working. but i am going to stop blathering and take the next phase of wind down.
enjoy tour friday the 18th of jan '13! its the only one you'll get! ::i'll be the one indoors all day, slowly becoming transparent from lack of sun, and nervous from ample coffee::
and just like that, with a new year, disciplines are falling into place.[ and just like that i somehow deleted about 3 lines that were typed after that. i guess its meant to be rephrased.]
im falling into joy with spending time with God. it doesnt look like much, but i want it all the time. not just some days.
and, ive been giving myself and others a break! being grateful IS such a great way to cultivate joy and love towards people! who woulda thought...oh yea, lots of people. well, it just takes me a while. [YOUVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! I DID IT AGAIN! I HAD LIKE, 2 PARAS GOING]
maybe i need to strap my pinkie to the ring finger. i think its hitting the tab button, along with some string of other buttons. anyway. i am thankful for this apt, and what it has meant, and how i have grown here. oh. to be able to record all the thoughts that were thought here, all the tears, all the expectancy.
there has been alot of difficulty in this apt. way more tears than laughter.
ive danced less, and painted less than i wanted. but i have known more of God than ever. ive been afraid more, and stepped out more. ive been humbled more/ quieted more. gotten rid of more stuff. this is not at all what i had written previously and then deleted, btw. pretty cool. i wasnt even thinking in this strain before.
theres more that i could say, but it feels cheapened to type.
tomorrow im going to a continuing education course. its actually tomorrow and saturday. i kinda like going to these, even though while im there i could shoot something. i like going sleepy and in regular clothes [guys, i think i really do like being awake in the morning. but on my own terms. not for work.], and i kinda like how it makes me feel important. i dont know how a CE class accomplishes this. but i do. it feels adult-y.
::which btw i will be an OFFICIAL adult in april!! so excited. everyone subconsiously hands you a "legit adult certificate" in their mind when you tell them youre 30. theres respect::
one other thought, maybe 2. it depends.
some of my closer, older[as in we've known each other for a while] friends have recently unveiled their anticipation of my getting married. theyre ready for it to happen, it seems, just as much as [or more than!] me. it feels good to know people want good things for you, and are hoping and praying with you.
ok, yea, 2 things. the following is the 2nd.
ive been doing a friendship study with the people at the "mo"singles ministry, and am blown away by how much of a friend i am NOT. i wasnt expecting that. i had myself on a pretty good pedestal. i thought i understood friendship. and i do, to an extent. its just, i was placing friendship with God as if he were one of us. our friendship with him cannot be mutual- he is so much more and so much perfect. we are friends of God, hes called us friend, as the bible says, but its so crazy! thats why his love is so astounding. theres no way we can or should be able to be his friend. and hes figured this whole thing out where we can be close. its crazy intense and misunderstood and being learned [by me].
other news
eating more protein in the morning as a hope to more healthful living. the moment i tried to cut out more sugar is when i wanted it more. so i figured at least taking my sugary cereal out in the morning was a good start. i havent felt different though.
am learning to love my cats again after an intense time of hatred and wanting to get rid of them. i am still not opposed to getting rid of them.
im letting the orange one outside daily. he likes chewing on grass and staring at free, out door air. its way better than hearing him meow for no reason at all for HOURS. i think he has a brain problem, one that i potentially brought on. not really. maybe.
stretching WAY more than ever in my life- which equates to doing it about once a day for a few minutes, i think. my neck and arms get stretched the most. its what hurts the most. but im finally stretching!
i put some type of make up on every day now for work. i didnt used to be her. but shes ok.
kava kava tea is supposed to help you get sleepy...it doesnt feel like its working. but i am going to stop blathering and take the next phase of wind down.
enjoy tour friday the 18th of jan '13! its the only one you'll get! ::i'll be the one indoors all day, slowly becoming transparent from lack of sun, and nervous from ample coffee::
18 December 2012
the lights twinkle, and i dont have that same glow inside, like usual.
many people i have spoken with over the course of this month have agreed- the Christmas "mood" or "spirit" doesnt feel the same, or isnt with them.
yea....
there are alot of thoughts happening, and im hopeful to get them all out cohesively.
i dont want to be happy just for the season, but i do want to feel the joy from my Lord. i have been upset about a few things, and some have to do with Him. i had joy today, and some yesterday...i allow the circumstances to wreck that. just tonight, i came home tired, but it was ok. then i realized i had double scheduled something in january. argh!! i get som upset with myself. how hard is it to follow a calendar, and tell people you'll get back to them..? apparently, pretty difficult.
whenever i screw up i tell myself thats why i dont have any kids.
its a stupid excuse. its not true. i will screw up when i have children :)
it feels like the more i try for rest and order in my life, the harder and more hectic it becomes. i just want to give up. going out of town for Christmas to corpus, and then for a day trip basically in the valley to see my grandmother, is stressing me out. i just feel tired all the time. i know that allowing my circumstances to dictate my feelings is not right. and i also know that God loves me too much to not let this sink into my being. it looks like i will be dealing with this struggle for a bit then. bring on the hard stuff. lets go ahead and get through it. help me rest in you. i am tired. all this makes me mad. i dont know why living with you is so hard. this life as a christian would be easy, if it was just suffer outwardly. i could handle that pretty well. but this inward stuff. it takes time and thoughtfulness. and rest and trust. somehow thats gotten hard for me to do lately.
many people i have spoken with over the course of this month have agreed- the Christmas "mood" or "spirit" doesnt feel the same, or isnt with them.
yea....
there are alot of thoughts happening, and im hopeful to get them all out cohesively.
i dont want to be happy just for the season, but i do want to feel the joy from my Lord. i have been upset about a few things, and some have to do with Him. i had joy today, and some yesterday...i allow the circumstances to wreck that. just tonight, i came home tired, but it was ok. then i realized i had double scheduled something in january. argh!! i get som upset with myself. how hard is it to follow a calendar, and tell people you'll get back to them..? apparently, pretty difficult.
whenever i screw up i tell myself thats why i dont have any kids.
its a stupid excuse. its not true. i will screw up when i have children :)
it feels like the more i try for rest and order in my life, the harder and more hectic it becomes. i just want to give up. going out of town for Christmas to corpus, and then for a day trip basically in the valley to see my grandmother, is stressing me out. i just feel tired all the time. i know that allowing my circumstances to dictate my feelings is not right. and i also know that God loves me too much to not let this sink into my being. it looks like i will be dealing with this struggle for a bit then. bring on the hard stuff. lets go ahead and get through it. help me rest in you. i am tired. all this makes me mad. i dont know why living with you is so hard. this life as a christian would be easy, if it was just suffer outwardly. i could handle that pretty well. but this inward stuff. it takes time and thoughtfulness. and rest and trust. somehow thats gotten hard for me to do lately.
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