currently feeling inadequate and wondering "why me?"
i dont have any skill set that is easily measured and written down/ understood in a few sentences.
there is nothing about my scholastic background that says "fit for full-time ministry overseas."
in thinking about writing up this story for jv, im hit smack between my eyes- im nothing. everything i write sounds silly and unwanted.
and i legitimately wonder, why cant i do these things i want to do, here? there are hurting people and hurting youth and children in america. i am part of alot of volunteer things that are great. but i lack time. and i cant just ask people here to fund me in ministry full- time, to not work just so i can interact with people on a level that just looks like plain old relationship. its frustrating and i feel stuck. i feel like however much i have tried and will try to make it into something that feels big enough to hold all of how i want to impact people, nothing will change.
that i'll have to turn back to my job in hygiene. that i'll just keep having to eke out the small, unsatisfying "satisfactions" that i can find in my day in, day out interactions.
i read something by henri nouwen about living small and humble, and having that be enough. he was speaking in regards to le arc [the ark], where mentally handicapped people live.
but even then, the people that are working there have a passion to love those they are serving. they are fulfilled in that. they know God has placed them there to do that. i dont know where i am supposed to be. and its hurting me in my core. havent i waited enough? yes, im scared to possibly go back to school if needed. i wouldnt even know what would be best suited, because i dont know what to focus on. yes, im a little scared of living full time in a different country. just because its unknown, and id have to learn a language. i dont mind taking all this time if i have a focus. but my focus never stays on one thing, i cant seem to find joy in just one thing.
many people would cite that i love children - yes. but there are still so many avenues to take, so many needs. all the other problems and such that arise in people's lives can be lessened or avoided by pouring into them when they are younger.
16 July 2013
14 July 2013
the last hobo home!
im in my roommate kate's apt. yay! she and i both have very little at this point. i feel super minimalist.
i think these last 2 weeks of july are going to go by very fast, but not smoothly, and i think i will get stressed out. i think i will forget alot and frustrate myself by not slowing down and thinking things through. i think i will be tired. im tired right now.
ok, now that all thats over with-- Gods gonna be right by my side, so we're ok. i am going to love finding a house, and how interesting it will be to do that paperwork! :)
im pretty sure im on some kind of autopilot right now; im having a hard time chatting with people and staying focused.
through all the moving, i find time with God is just different in the different settings, depending if i can pray out loud or not, if theres a place to sit kinda secluded, or if i have to stay on my bed...theres alot of factors. im not quite sure of myself even, of how i like it the best, and what leaves me most focused. but i do know i need more time. the only way i can think to do that right now is to wake up earlier...which means about 5. i never thought i would be that person. i also never thought i would enjoy living out of a backpack as much as i have
[ ok, so i have a couple other bags too].
im going to sleep now.
even though i was tired through most of this day and feeling weird, im grateful for this apt, and this desk that i can use, a bathroom to myself as kate and i are getting used to each other, and the makeshift bed of a lawn chair and a cushion. its quite wonderful actually.
i smell like baby powder right now, and have NO idea why. goodbye.
im in my roommate kate's apt. yay! she and i both have very little at this point. i feel super minimalist.
i think these last 2 weeks of july are going to go by very fast, but not smoothly, and i think i will get stressed out. i think i will forget alot and frustrate myself by not slowing down and thinking things through. i think i will be tired. im tired right now.
ok, now that all thats over with-- Gods gonna be right by my side, so we're ok. i am going to love finding a house, and how interesting it will be to do that paperwork! :)
im pretty sure im on some kind of autopilot right now; im having a hard time chatting with people and staying focused.
through all the moving, i find time with God is just different in the different settings, depending if i can pray out loud or not, if theres a place to sit kinda secluded, or if i have to stay on my bed...theres alot of factors. im not quite sure of myself even, of how i like it the best, and what leaves me most focused. but i do know i need more time. the only way i can think to do that right now is to wake up earlier...which means about 5. i never thought i would be that person. i also never thought i would enjoy living out of a backpack as much as i have
[ ok, so i have a couple other bags too].
im going to sleep now.
even though i was tired through most of this day and feeling weird, im grateful for this apt, and this desk that i can use, a bathroom to myself as kate and i are getting used to each other, and the makeshift bed of a lawn chair and a cushion. its quite wonderful actually.
i smell like baby powder right now, and have NO idea why. goodbye.
06 July 2013
weekend of freedom...
obviously we celebrated our nations freedom from oppressive rule this weekend. i could go on a political diatribe, but the heart and home implications are stronger.
personally, i was reminded of the freedom i have to be made small, that i can become small and humble for others. i talked through my own personal wanderings about the future w basically all of my family, and my dads advice was the loudest [actually, the only voiced straightforward advice given. everyone else said theyd be praying w me]- "jump into the deep end" - what does that mean? im not getting the allegory. -" do whatever scares you the most." (-well, both of them do. my fear is across the board. its moving into the joy and depth of my heart for service without my husband. God has known this for some time, and has been patient with my lies to myself.)
havent been home since Christmas, i think. and then my brother gets in jail and has a court date, so he is now at home waiting that. i dont care about that part. its fruit of the heart, and so what the root of this is, is worse than the outcome. he has decided God is not for him, after seemingly knowing the Lord fairly well. or at least making a really great fake of it all.
there was alot of support for my parents in going, and also for me. i got to talk individually with my mom, dad and grandma. also txted w my brother for a bit, right before i left, and i think that was good. mostly just hoping he heard that we care about him and love him, regardless of what he feels now about God. right now hes allowing the label of "felon" to define him.
theres some sort of evil, some sort of oppression ive never been able to put my finger on , that is over cc. right when i am leaving i am able to pray strongly and fully for all that is on my heart while i am there. and of course everyone knows the best prayers are the ones in your car:)
i tend to radio surf the most on the way down and up from cc. i came across this song. i have no idea how old or new it is. ive never heard it. kinda wonder how much of this is personally resonating with me as well.
my brothers' response to this was "cheesey"
maybe(esp now that i watched this video, i agree. just the song by itself is fine), but my heart is there.
brave
i remember the little boy in the superman cape.
this is me grieving the loss of someone i thought i knew.
and, the start of knowing him now.
personally, i was reminded of the freedom i have to be made small, that i can become small and humble for others. i talked through my own personal wanderings about the future w basically all of my family, and my dads advice was the loudest [actually, the only voiced straightforward advice given. everyone else said theyd be praying w me]- "jump into the deep end" - what does that mean? im not getting the allegory. -" do whatever scares you the most." (-well, both of them do. my fear is across the board. its moving into the joy and depth of my heart for service without my husband. God has known this for some time, and has been patient with my lies to myself.)
havent been home since Christmas, i think. and then my brother gets in jail and has a court date, so he is now at home waiting that. i dont care about that part. its fruit of the heart, and so what the root of this is, is worse than the outcome. he has decided God is not for him, after seemingly knowing the Lord fairly well. or at least making a really great fake of it all.
there was alot of support for my parents in going, and also for me. i got to talk individually with my mom, dad and grandma. also txted w my brother for a bit, right before i left, and i think that was good. mostly just hoping he heard that we care about him and love him, regardless of what he feels now about God. right now hes allowing the label of "felon" to define him.
theres some sort of evil, some sort of oppression ive never been able to put my finger on , that is over cc. right when i am leaving i am able to pray strongly and fully for all that is on my heart while i am there. and of course everyone knows the best prayers are the ones in your car:)
i tend to radio surf the most on the way down and up from cc. i came across this song. i have no idea how old or new it is. ive never heard it. kinda wonder how much of this is personally resonating with me as well.
my brothers' response to this was "cheesey"
maybe(esp now that i watched this video, i agree. just the song by itself is fine), but my heart is there.
brave
i remember the little boy in the superman cape.
this is me grieving the loss of someone i thought i knew.
and, the start of knowing him now.
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