currently feeling inadequate and wondering "why me?"
i dont have any skill set that is easily measured and written down/ understood in a few sentences.
there is nothing about my scholastic background that says "fit for full-time ministry overseas."
in thinking about writing up this story for jv, im hit smack between my eyes- im nothing. everything i write sounds silly and unwanted.
and i legitimately wonder, why cant i do these things i want to do, here? there are hurting people and hurting youth and children in america. i am part of alot of volunteer things that are great. but i lack time. and i cant just ask people here to fund me in ministry full- time, to not work just so i can interact with people on a level that just looks like plain old relationship. its frustrating and i feel stuck. i feel like however much i have tried and will try to make it into something that feels big enough to hold all of how i want to impact people, nothing will change.
that i'll have to turn back to my job in hygiene. that i'll just keep having to eke out the small, unsatisfying "satisfactions" that i can find in my day in, day out interactions.
i read something by henri nouwen about living small and humble, and having that be enough. he was speaking in regards to le arc [the ark], where mentally handicapped people live.
but even then, the people that are working there have a passion to love those they are serving. they are fulfilled in that. they know God has placed them there to do that. i dont know where i am supposed to be. and its hurting me in my core. havent i waited enough? yes, im scared to possibly go back to school if needed. i wouldnt even know what would be best suited, because i dont know what to focus on. yes, im a little scared of living full time in a different country. just because its unknown, and id have to learn a language. i dont mind taking all this time if i have a focus. but my focus never stays on one thing, i cant seem to find joy in just one thing.
many people would cite that i love children - yes. but there are still so many avenues to take, so many needs. all the other problems and such that arise in people's lives can be lessened or avoided by pouring into them when they are younger.
praying for clear direction and peace
ReplyDeleteThe not being able to find joy in just one thing must run in the family. I've felt that my whole life. Hence why we BOTH have done so many different things (me: derby, racing, photography, etc - you: bagpipes, overseas ministry, volunteering at shelter, etc). And I still have a list of things I wanna do (become a 'big sister', foster animals, have my own self-sufficient farm - that's a big one) just as you do.
ReplyDeleteBut what I've often wondered is why is that bad? Why do we HAVE to settle on one thing? Why not do lots of things that we feel strongly about in our heart in that particular season? Is that not how we will find the few things that we WANT and need to settle on and pursue long term? Like photography for me. I would never have thought when I was younger that I would start a career as a photographer. And if I hadn't just tried it cuz i wanted to and it looked fun and like a cool artistic outlet, i would've never known I could make a job out of something i love so much and is so rewarding to me.
What I'm saying is: I wouldn't beat yourself up about not being able to focus or zero in on one thing. Maybe God wants you to 'play the field' so you can discover what you do and don't want to do. If you never try something, how would you know if you like it or hate it?
I think you will KNOW when you find your big thing to do. And it may not be the 'big' thing you think it should be. It may be disguised as something 'small' that FEELS big in your heart. Because it's meant to be. It isn't the size of the task/mission you take on that matters, it's how much of your heart it takes up that makes it feel big to you.
I love you. And I admire you. LIKE A LOT. I love reading your blog. Short awkward sentences. Yay. <3