weekend of freedom...

obviously we celebrated our nations freedom from oppressive rule this weekend.  i could go on a political diatribe, but the heart and home implications are stronger.
personally, i was reminded of the freedom i have to be made small, that i can become small and humble for others. i talked through my own personal wanderings about the future w basically all of my family, and my dads advice was the loudest [actually, the only voiced straightforward advice given. everyone else said theyd be praying w me]- "jump into the deep end" - what does that mean? im not getting the allegory. -" do whatever scares you the most." (-well, both of them do. my fear is across the board. its moving into the joy and depth of my heart for service without my husband. God has known this for some time, and has been patient with my lies to myself.)
havent been home since Christmas, i think. and then my brother gets in jail and has a court date, so he is now at home waiting that. i dont care about that part. its fruit of the heart, and so what the root of this is, is worse than the outcome. he has decided God is not for him, after seemingly knowing the Lord fairly well. or at least making a really great fake of it all.
there was alot of support for my parents in going, and also for me. i got to talk individually with my mom, dad and grandma. also txted w my brother for a bit, right before i left, and i think that was good. mostly just hoping he heard that we care about him and love him, regardless of what he feels now about God. right now hes allowing the label of "felon" to define him.
theres some sort of evil, some sort of oppression ive never been able to put my finger on , that is over cc. right when i am leaving i am able to pray strongly and fully for all that is on my heart while i am there.  and of course everyone knows the best prayers are the ones in your car:)
i tend to radio surf the most on the way down and up from cc. i came across this song. i have no idea how old or new it is. ive never heard it. kinda wonder how much of this is personally resonating with me as well.
my brothers' response to this was "cheesey"
maybe(esp now that i watched this video, i agree. just the song by itself is fine), but my heart is there.
brave
i remember the little boy in the superman cape.
this is me grieving the loss of someone i thought i knew.
and, the start of knowing him now.