purple is so huge right now

and that has nothing to do with what im about to say.i am royally frustrated with my Lord and Savior.
i just "blame shifted"
He constantly calls me to deepness with him
i want it
not sure how to go about this in a way that feels kind, apparently.
im so stressed out and he keeps reminding me i can rest in him. in different instances i have.
i cant seem to stay there.
i want so badly to be in the Word, and theres an almost loathing to the discipline.
how can i allow myself to be grounded when i cant "sit still" long enough?
gosh. i should sleep. thats a start to having more clarity. and get off facebook[i wrote this on facebook, and then it got too revealing for all those stalker eyes]. i would really enjoy barfing lots of dislike over something right now. im not sure what.why am i so crazy/ cranky? ok. whew. love yall, see ya later, ill be good tomorrow probably.
[i wonder if the looming valentine day is bringing stress.][[the very aspect that i thought of that right as im ending this probably holds some weight. ok, new note. inside the old one. valentines day is my parents anniversary. yay! i cant explain right now how wonderful that is to me. ive really had great valentineexperiences- my parents always make a big deal about it. i actually thought all the v. day stuff was normal. for some of you, your experiences are similar. but i also have heard of many families who dont do anything for each other- no cards, no presents. so , ive never felt lack of fun-loving fun and love on vday.and theres always excitement about possibility. i think im crazy btw. i feel like im putting out there what alot of people feel but maybe are afraid to say. keep in mind im also sleepy.but i dont feel it.im stalling because im wondering if i should really write this.yea, okay. theres that huge disappiontment about not having the knight in shining armor just randomly show up and take me on a date.
seriously, i want him to be incased in metal.
hahahhah! jk.maybe an alligator suit... anyway.
i really enjoy vday and how people are more dressed up, and if you go anywhere that day, people are happier, and theres expectancy, and flowers and chocolate exploding everywhere....its truely amazing.and it feels like the world is claustrophobic in a good way. like you could hug some random stranger and they would be a little more inclined to respond with a smile and understanding instead of their new personal gun freedom.
someone was shot in my apt complex recently btw. neither shooter or shootee were in any way related to any tenents.
and james jennings sent a video about dead baby parts and im glad my comp doesnt buffer well. i got away from those. ive seen pictures. i wonder why i thought i could handle watching a video. there were warnings. this sounds like im saying i shouldve known better. hm .yea, and i also should let myself grieve. but i feel like ive been! theres sorrow in my soul i dont understand.

and then im frustrated with myself, cuz i think i know what God requires and what hes telling me . i just dont want it to be hard. so i shut my ears. i fight him oohh!! i fight him so much. this grieves me because im fighting him now. ive wanted to read some bible and such, and ive been on the computer. and for some reason im spilling my guts so people can read them.
im very upset that God hasnt allowed me my husband yet. more upset than i like to admit. i feel very ugly because thats not what its all about and i struggle with making my future husband an idol. there are children dying of bullets and hunger and im buying an 88$ dress to wear on vday when theres nothing of note happening, its a day. i get so intense about my future spouse., hes alll thats on my mind for days. this isnt healthy, i dont think. although i have worked out this plan where i actually start caring about his days, now. i pray for him more and pray scripture over him. hopefully God will settle my heart a bit so i can hold the hope and desire and not be a friggin basketcase. those of you who stuck out through this really rabbity post, thanks. ]]

i almost feel depressed. i usually make sure theres a formidable amount of food in the fridge, i like to have lots of veggies and fruits available too. i havent been to the store, except for necessities, in about 3 -4 weeks. im not kidding. i havent had the desire to eat, but i have been, because if i dont i get dizzy and nauseous. i looked and and have been sitting in since monday a tension created from vacillation. there have been abuses in my life, and the ones from my childhood have more weight in how i relate now than id like to admit . btw, everyone has this problem. when youre ready to look at these things, youll see. im going though a group study on it. so theres a large handy workbook. anyway. so the vacillation stems simply from my intense desire to obtain love (shown in my life, even at the age of five in how i manipulated who i was to fit into something people could respond to, when they shouldve just accepted me), and the lie that i have to find my own love and protect myself . so one side of me is extremely vulnerable and open. the other runs away. i KNOW people reading this understand- we all do this. but it hurts when i can see myself doing these things- clinging unhealthily to someone and the amount of love that i think they should give me(usually in my mind), then pulling away because im afraid ill hurt them or vice versa(usually in the real life, real time realm). i see these things and i dont want to do them. walking away from a crowd when i dont want to , and wanting to stop myself.
wanting a boyfriend but afraid that i will not be able to control myself emotionally or physically.
seriously, i dont know how im gonna get through it when that does come along. we will not be able to be alone together in a non public place. it just cant happen.
i feel really sad typing that. it seems like that alone time could be really special -quiet conversations and all. but where im at, i wouldnt be able to handle it. hes going to have to be really strong. really.
as each week and month goes by, i keep thinking, ok, longing and hope cant feel much bigger than this. HA! now im just wondering if im going to die early. such grand beliefs translate into feelings, and sitting in the love of God (which is the true knowledge of him that we need) just makes me feel like im going to explode.
as i alluded to earlier, i have some depressed ness about me. im not sure if theres a direct correlation, or if theres somewhere im not allowing myself to look at, not allowing God into to heal.

so much stuff

it comforts me to know only a handful of people that i know read this. my heart is so heavy right now, i need to talk about what is weighing me. my brother is searching his faith- which is good. but its painful to hear hi say he thinks Jesus is a faerie tale when i know the truth. when i have lived the truth. i (and many others) are not in a relationship with a faerie tale.
i felt very alone tonight in the college/career group im in. it just was alone-y. i needed more hugs , longer hugs, than what i could get out of people, and i wasnt in the frame of mind at the time to know thats what i wanted.
our college/career pastor is leaving. im really excited about where God is taking him and expanding him. hes going to be used for a broader purpose, one that God has been training him for. its good. but where our group is going to go- where the church leaders are taking everything- feels very unloving. at least what ive heard is going to happen. im excited about the change, and scared.
more has been required of me lately. i feel God placing words in my mouth sometimes, and i dont want them. i have an understanding with jeremiah. i dont really want to be responsible. i dont want to me judged more strictly.i feel somewhat in more leadership positions and i dont know what to feel about these places. ive always wanted to be in these places, now that i am, im scared. becoming is more difficult. and to think the rest of my life is going to entail becoming. how i long for completion!
thats the other place ive been having to sit. ive been feeling such a longing for completion, and that translates in this world to wanting my husband. i keep feeling that pain deeply! deeper and deeper every day!!! i think it might kill me. i want it to, right now, where i am in my feelings. i would love nothing more than for Jesus to take me. but i know he will keep me to serve my purposes here, and love him well in this distantly close relationship. being around some men that feel very close to what i wantand need, but knowing they arent: this has been such a struggle. and today i have felt a pressing need to let one know where i stand. dtr coming up. im struggling with whether or not its necessary to say that God told me hes not my husband...:-P probably not. but for my own sake [and his], i feel burdened to not let questions sit in the air.
all of these things bore down on me tonight and have overwhelmed my heart. and i scream- cried. a mighty heart, angelina jolie style. i didnt know i was capable of that. i figured if i was having a crisis, maybe. not a bunch of little things. it made me feel overly dramatic. but it was appropriate for my heart in the moment. and thats an interesting thing to look at. my heart needs to scream sometimes, even when it may feel overboard. add that to the list of things my husband will need to take in stride as he lives with me. thanks for listenin..