so just a little update- God is still at it. 

im trying to work up the nerve to go hang out with the youth at my church.

and possibly [probably] stepping down from the Sophia ministry leadership. which makes me sad.

i had a really difficult chat with one of my friends last night- shes having a hard time with relationship stuff. i cant believe God has me talking with her about it. im  only one step ahead of her. maybe half a step. it was interesting to realize how much i was pushing her at one point, and to see her not "get it." or at least it seemed that way. maybe i analyze things too much:-P  [exactly what is it i was wanting her to "get"? im not even sure.]

Gods been asking me to get up in the morning and spend time with him. heh! its funny to observe myself.  i can wake up early and get going if i need to go on a cruise or come down to corpus, but meeting the Mister of the Universe- thats just too hard. hes a kind love that allows me in my humanness to lay in bed and offer up half prayers and sleepy slurrings.

there was a woman in cozumel that yelled at us as we walked past-"DONT BUY ANYTHING FROM THAT MAN, HE'LL RIP YOU OFF!" needless to say i was shaken. i  had already passed the man before and had no intention of getting anything- but her exclamation made me want to, to spite her. 

it grieved my heart. the husband was passive as the wife proceeded to decimate the man to another, who had nominal authority as an info guy for tourists. he stood there and just listened. as we walked away, my anger and grief grew, and looking back now, im really sad i didnt turn around and love on her. or chastise her. either action wouldve probably elicited the same response, considering her mindset. 

we walk through life with life abundant while others walk round dead. im exhorted.

i just realized as i read over the beginning of this- im a little hard to follow sometimes. sorry.

i have to speak. tonight God pushed me into the next level. he only knows how much preperation ive needed. ive been able to see some of it. but just one thread- to have my job/ office go through economic problems and give the people there growing pains with each other [ aka drama to the nth degree], just to push the need for how we relate to change, and make me get up earlier. ive seen such a huge need for praying over EVERYTHING in my life, and God brought about external work circumstances to push me into creating time to meet with him. and opening my eyes just a crack to the spiritual realm. i pray it continues. he started a process of healing in my body, and reinforced to me my desires to be a prayer warrior, to stand in the gap and speak into others.
im going to the Love Won Out conference to get some resource and whatever God has for me. if you have never heard of this- check it out.
ahhhh! i have no idea what my life is going to look like, and im totally stoked!! youth, children, all ages, women, whatever. prophecy [words of exhortation, encouragement, comfort], healing, being a catalyst for pulling people away from homosexuality and into a place of clarity, dancing, singing, whatever! here, there, dental hygiene, not, whatever! sleep, no sleep...whatever.
in whatever he has, im willing. because grasping his hem is my goal. i didnt realize completely what i was saying when i said that. when it was given. it entails risking everything and stepping out into what i hope and believe and KNOW about what he has done and given- what he wants to give us. its showing the crowd all i have. its being needy in community. possibly holding out for ridicule all of the tenderest places in my heart.

needy

i have to get this out more than whats available to me.
tonight something happened at a friends house and it totally triggered and dredged up a huge chunk of my past.
it was unravelling.
thankfully my friend was there to hold me and listen. im struck now with realizing the ripple effect that my past is having on my future.
and the oddity that these ripples exist in an alternate universe where they seem like they may become torrents- not fun.
i need to be reminded that he holds me and to give myself grace to look at everything and reflect and soak up truth.


::my husband, bless his soul, will be amazingly patient and be able to contain much::