i'll admit ive been a bit quiet lately.
its been good. one reason being ive relaxed my grip that i didnt know i had.
God keeps us a little more lonely than we'd like to be for the sake or refocusing and centering. he'll remove your closest guy friends. just sayin.
he' ll also not allow anyone to come visit you at volvo, so you can listen to the mexican grandma, and enjoy her, and remind yourself that you getting grace group homework done is not as important as community.
i woke slowly, which is fairly nice. by slow i mean, waking up to rachael at 4 30, and being in and out of consiousness for 4 hours.
this next para is really random and is a run- on. skip it if you like.
[its raining right now and theres a hole in the roof somewhere; the droplets of rain find their way to a 2x4 and make really loud, obnoxious noises, and sllowly soak the sheet rock over and over, bowing it more and lengthening the crack, lengthening my fear of crashing down in the middle of the night - everything difficult happens at 2. when youre asleep the most-falling on my antique dresser, and making a hole for the squirrel , who at that point would be freaked out too from fallling in his sleep and waking up to a screaming girl and the 2 cats who keep him captive in his hole on the balcony when he wants to go find food...and then there would be biting and running and screaming, and more biting....tears, rabies, messy carpet, hysteric calls to the fire dept...]
i went to get my car maintanenced {sp?} and had the aforesaid convo.
they had chocolate milk mix there! i was so happy. i think volvo stalked me to prepare for my arrival. i put it in my coffee.
*note to self- and readers= swiss miss hot chocolate mix tastes WAY different than swiss miss chocolate mix. theres a richer- ness to the second, which actually is not as great in coffee. it overpowers.
i felt wrapped up in love this mornin, and there was nothing else to do but love other people.
God gave me this morning to get some things done, to alleviate my coming weekends. and its spurred me on- im feeling more prone to continue this trend tomorrow and accomplish some other outstanding phone calls and appt. making.
theres also the part where God has told me- slow down. you dont have to get it all done- and ive listened. ive listened!!!!! i didnt beat my fists and cry and give him all my amazing rationale.
ive rested.
i got my charm necklace-which ive had forever and only wore like the first 2 years i had it- turned into a bracelet and theres enough chain left for 2 more bracelets! im making my sis one for a wedd present; picking that up tomorrow. has two interlocked hearts and the hebrew symbol for life. 2 seperate charms. i want to keep the other piece for a future something. thought i would be selfish at first and make myself another one. eh.
there are other various doings. whatever.
i really enjoyed work more, and had a larger capacity to love, with the whole morning to become that way. hm. thoughts.
why dont i maybe try to go to bed earlier?
does God do this so i know the love that comes from me is not me?
do i need to take care of myself more[dont think so- wait. maybe so. theres a difference in caring for yourself and being selfish with your time and doings.]?
im quietly and pretty contentedly waiting for the timing of the Lord to move me from current job and church. and for him to send a perfect rent house. [and my husband;)]<<---its so cool, hes given me such grace in the truth that im finally accepting about waiting correctly. i feel set to rights, holding things weighted and with perspective.
went to olive "g"- thats what the sign said- to celebrate some of our sopd[stone oak pediatric dentistry] "alumni" in their new and more suited and less stressful jobs.
*its raining really heavily now, and im trying to not let the water on the ceiling get to me.
oooh! God stopped the noise of it:)))
thank you.
thank you for the morning to accomplish. thank you for the grace to recieve some critical words with humbleness and understanding for the other person. thank you for good co worker friends, and such that are believers.thank you for our openness in front of olive g to sing to you together. thank you for the rain and dancing and for lonely waiters that prick our hearts.
our waiters name was marky- mark. he actually resembled him.
there was a waiter in training, but i never saw him! im pretty sure the one with seniority pushed him away from our table- we're a bunch of beautiful women with lots to offer.
he was trying to get in on our jokes and be funny- most likely for a tip.
but some of the comments struck me. i couldnt come out of contempt for him long enough to lovehim well though.
"please buy some more drinks, it'll make me cuter"
"i'm gonna sit outside with you guys for a minute"
" we're giving out hugs?"- arms outstretched
he took pictures for us, and turned the camera on himself once
"what are you singing?"
all these comments sound obnoxious, and i personally took them that way. but he really was being super open. i almost went and gave him a hug. i wanted to. i wanted to ask him if hiss name was really mark, and what he liked to do, if he belived in the God we were singing about...but i was afraid. afraid that he'd think i was interested in him, that my friends would think the same, ...hm. thats mostly it.
EW
i bind that timidity to love well! in the Name of Jesus Christ, leave my mind! it feels so akin to the demons of homosexuality.may the Lord God deal with you severely.
these are the things that i must remember.
its okay to enjoy someone youre halfway attracted to
its okay to let them know that
theres so much more to a relationship than the boy/ girl "surface" aspect.-- for instance, this couldve become a life - long friend!
he's worth the invitation and the drawing out, as much as you are. [ i have a double standard there]
its worth the cost of possible friendly humiliation and taunting
he's worth possibly "falling in" love with.
whoa.see what happens when i just start a grace group? all this reality- and truth- telling.:P
i was able to stand in the rain. and walk in it. and sing in it. and enjoy.
27 August 2009
14 August 2009
rest
i thought id blog about the good times, not just harsh
God pulls me up and through. i need people- and im learning how to be needy in that. i let my desire to clean the apartment rest- i think that may happen a bit tomorrow. i had a good friend speak into me, shared some life with two others [helped me get my mind off myself], saw a good movie that was a conduit for crying::time travelers wife::, and laid out next to the pool in the late afternoon sun.
ive felt very distant from The Master of the Universe and my Life If i Let Him. thats all my doing. hes so good to me. its like the little kids at work- theres good i can do for them, i need to do for them. but they dont want it, they want to play. theyre scared of what might happen. they arent familiar with anything i have and even their parents' presence doesnt help.
so their parent[s] hold[s] them down lovingly, so they dont thrash and get an explorer stuck in their eye. some kids get so delirious with fear and anger that they arent even present anymore. theres no calming them at this point. you have to let them alone- sometimes they dont even want to be held and comforted by their parents [wow am i seeing myself in all of this! i didnt even have this thought fully formed when i started]. yea so thats me.
i read a really wonderful post by a really studious amazing lover of God. it was what i needed in its entirety[my needs' entirety]. i am very forgetful. i have to be reminded of what has been given me, of how i am loved, why i am here, and that i can utilize all those aformentioned things together in really lovely and varied ways.
im doing this for me; remind me if you see fit.
these are the things i need to remember.
God will glorify Himself.
all He has is available to me.
He will woo me lavishly, and strip me mercilessly to have me become fully.
i will be afraid of new things.
He is bigger.
maybe quitting a job and not having another lined up is okay[i didnt quit my job]
i will always have Him. i may have food, clothes, a car, and a place to live.
I have been given a love for children.
i want to be a mother, and thats okay. my children may be spiritual
i have been given capacity to speak into others
i have been given a desire for art
im getting a growing passion for sign language.
i need to pursue the things important to me-they are all loving people and worshipping God, and must be pursued and remembered as such.
managing daily "little drudgeries" matters; they influence/become the spiritual addictions or freedoms.
God pulls me up and through. i need people- and im learning how to be needy in that. i let my desire to clean the apartment rest- i think that may happen a bit tomorrow. i had a good friend speak into me, shared some life with two others [helped me get my mind off myself], saw a good movie that was a conduit for crying::time travelers wife::, and laid out next to the pool in the late afternoon sun.
ive felt very distant from The Master of the Universe and my Life If i Let Him. thats all my doing. hes so good to me. its like the little kids at work- theres good i can do for them, i need to do for them. but they dont want it, they want to play. theyre scared of what might happen. they arent familiar with anything i have and even their parents' presence doesnt help.
so their parent[s] hold[s] them down lovingly, so they dont thrash and get an explorer stuck in their eye. some kids get so delirious with fear and anger that they arent even present anymore. theres no calming them at this point. you have to let them alone- sometimes they dont even want to be held and comforted by their parents [wow am i seeing myself in all of this! i didnt even have this thought fully formed when i started]. yea so thats me.
i read a really wonderful post by a really studious amazing lover of God. it was what i needed in its entirety[my needs' entirety]. i am very forgetful. i have to be reminded of what has been given me, of how i am loved, why i am here, and that i can utilize all those aformentioned things together in really lovely and varied ways.
im doing this for me; remind me if you see fit.
these are the things i need to remember.
God will glorify Himself.
all He has is available to me.
He will woo me lavishly, and strip me mercilessly to have me become fully.
i will be afraid of new things.
He is bigger.
maybe quitting a job and not having another lined up is okay[i didnt quit my job]
i will always have Him. i may have food, clothes, a car, and a place to live.
I have been given a love for children.
i want to be a mother, and thats okay. my children may be spiritual
i have been given capacity to speak into others
i have been given a desire for art
im getting a growing passion for sign language.
i need to pursue the things important to me-they are all loving people and worshipping God, and must be pursued and remembered as such.
managing daily "little drudgeries" matters; they influence/become the spiritual addictions or freedoms.
13 August 2009
i want some supernatural power to at least be okay with how God works.
i dont necessarily need to know what hes doing, as long as im reconciled to the methods!
i feel so dead. been reading friends' blogs and theyre so full of life. theres a pouring into and an excitement for the future and im tired.
i want to push past the anxiety that i feel about stepping into new places. God opened a door for one of my co workers to step into a new field and im jealous:/
i dont understand myself though. im pretty whiney. im not doing anything to step into any different places.
i used to think, wow, i have this job and i can really fund others in what theyre doing and love on them that way. just giving that way feels empty after a while. i have 3 girls i sponsor. but i cant touch them or talk to them, know them and smell them.
the children at work come for services. i cant sit and watch the movie with them or play a game or sit in [sometimes feigned] rapture while they tell me a story.
i want to learn sign language and take art classes. but im just like my mother- it feels selfish so i dont do it. and it takse time- time that i barely feel i have now.
my little fantasy here is that some guy will come along and i will "have to" give up my job. that there will be a "reason."
that another great job will fall in my lap. and i can switch.
that i will have the guts to leave and not have my life planned out.
but then, God also asks us to count the cost.
am i being selfish to want to leave because some major components of my office are not in good frames of mind, not managed well....because my back hurts and im not sitting right, but i cant fix it properly because i see a child every 15 minutes....because because because.
if anyone has ANY idea about what God is doing with me, will you let me know? am i "out" of His will? am i really not paying attention? what do i do with this: i must be sinning, and not responding to him. nothing seems kind. i think im longing for him and following after him. is it not enough? when does the following become work? [im totally woking in my mind about this- how do i stop? ] when is my wanting discipline and slowing putting it into practice going to become discipline?
i feel so dead. been reading friends' blogs and theyre so full of life. theres a pouring into and an excitement for the future and im tired.
i want to push past the anxiety that i feel about stepping into new places. God opened a door for one of my co workers to step into a new field and im jealous:/
i dont understand myself though. im pretty whiney. im not doing anything to step into any different places.
i used to think, wow, i have this job and i can really fund others in what theyre doing and love on them that way. just giving that way feels empty after a while. i have 3 girls i sponsor. but i cant touch them or talk to them, know them and smell them.
the children at work come for services. i cant sit and watch the movie with them or play a game or sit in [sometimes feigned] rapture while they tell me a story.
i want to learn sign language and take art classes. but im just like my mother- it feels selfish so i dont do it. and it takse time- time that i barely feel i have now.
my little fantasy here is that some guy will come along and i will "have to" give up my job. that there will be a "reason."
that another great job will fall in my lap. and i can switch.
that i will have the guts to leave and not have my life planned out.
but then, God also asks us to count the cost.
am i being selfish to want to leave because some major components of my office are not in good frames of mind, not managed well....because my back hurts and im not sitting right, but i cant fix it properly because i see a child every 15 minutes....because because because.
if anyone has ANY idea about what God is doing with me, will you let me know? am i "out" of His will? am i really not paying attention? what do i do with this: i must be sinning, and not responding to him. nothing seems kind. i think im longing for him and following after him. is it not enough? when does the following become work? [im totally woking in my mind about this- how do i stop? ] when is my wanting discipline and slowing putting it into practice going to become discipline?
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