i need bed soon.

[ hi, btw]

im in my parents' house alone. its kinda nice. i was sick tues nite and a little wednesday...but only a little. more like recuperating. everything came out of my body tuesday night. i dont know if you wanted to know that, but i wanted to share. mmmm. share the...

anyway.

i had my plan of getting these baskets for thanksgiving made up for the kids and their families in the bible club, and then coming down to see my sister, going back up for club, then trotting over to garner state park sat afternoon.

i was upset when i realized i was seriously sick, then a little afraid, then formulating a plan to drive myself to the hospital if need be, then realizing i could wait it out til morning; it was getting better. interspersed through all this was the thought- God must need me to slow down. i always feel that way when i get sick. like its the only way i can be stopped sometimes. i reflected on all my plan making that i do.

i usually ask, should i do this? and if it feels like theres no resistance, i go.

i really felt it was good to see my sister. i still wanted to go if i was well.

and i got well, and i did come- hence me sitting in my parents' house, on the comp.

i miss my sister. and a feeling/ thought came blazing into my head as i drove here from her house.

--i miss living here.

theres a familiarity that just cant be replicated. i love being close to family. im thankful that i am close still. 2 hours isnt a hard drive at all.

its just funny cuz a couple months ago, if youd asked me if id ever think of moving back, my answer would be a detached, oh, if God called me back.

but now , it would be a longer answer. and i wouldnt be afraid to admit i miss it. and the air is softer here.

im awake- it isnt that late this time! wooo! ok. life.

tomorrow we have a byebye dinner for one of the hygienists thats leaving. its gong to be weird w her gone, but good too, she needs it and i think it will change teh climate of our office a bit.

i am hoping for my key tomorrow. but will prolly get it fri. whiich is ok. iim giving them toothbrushes to pass out when they give out candy from the office. i'll get it then for sure. we'll say yes. my dad is coming that day, and will help me move. that night is dr s.'s 10th anniversary as a dentist. we are having a ssemi- formal dinner, which i assked my dad to, since he'll be here already and id like a date.
the next morning is bible club. i need to buy card stock before then to make a memory game. who knows if we'll be in this apt or that. my dad will leave right after since he needs to be at a wedd in corpus at 3. i will then start getting ready for a halloween party in the midst of probably being oddly moved into a new place ? eho knows what the status is going to be at that point.

i have an idea that im going to do for the club- i know the books of the bible to a 90's rap. im gonna perform it for them maybe next time we meet. and dress up a bit. twill be fun.

i was thinking about painting the walls in my new place, but i looked at some home mags with a friend tonite and im not so sure now. but i have made a pact to put nothing up on the walls for a while. im scared to put an actual time frame on that.
it would be hard for me to not have everything "perfect" by Christmas. hahahahah!! the spell check told me Christmas was spelled wrong, when i put"c"- awesome.
i have a queen size bed, but always end up sleeping in between 2 cats. the width of this space always turns out to be a 3rd of the width of a twin size bed.
this is when i hate my cats. unless one of them lets me put my feet under it.

i find myself burning to paint. im saddened by the lack of space always to do this in. its my biggest obstacle.
i feel like a whirlwind.
maybe ive had way too much suugar these past 3 weeks. i know i had too much today and yesterday.
the cats claws need t obe clipped- ow! and blarneys' nose always runs when he gets all snuggly and purr- y. he actually drools too. hes a crac k- head.
im not going to have insurance now, until i decide to get some on my own. but i will have a few hundred dollars back every month. so thats awesome. just think. heather never gets sick, and all this time i couldve had that money being saved up for something else. its a thought. i know its not being careful, to not have insurance.
but i also know God does things we cant believe and i dont have any children to stay alive for as long as poss. God gives me these kids he does for now, and amazing things have come about in my life already taht ive seen are fruit for others. so i just firgure i'll let him keep going.
my body is jittery. it was before, with all my thoughts and so thats why i got up. now im thinking my major thoughts are out, so lets do some stretching and breathing and get back t o sleep.

oh. and i figured out my outfit for the 10th anni dinner, and im gomnna be looking for some light gold flats or something. thats one more on my list. i think sometimes theres a little inner gremlin that secretly enjoys all the crazy and bustle andslight acid reflux.
looking at teh home mags today and talking about what my friend wanted in her new home- made me start wanting to have more than 2 rooms to decorate and be able to renovate and paint without asking anyone or being restricted. to be free where i rest .

i am so full of so much thought! so many emotions.
im looking at my fears in relation to being pursued, and being a wife.
there is weight i cant explain and questions, and most of all i wonder why its so hard to navigate why i feel and believe what i do.
theres alot.
mix into all that my excitement right now of moving! i went to ask the manager if her boy was coming on the bus with us tomorrow to a family fiesta.
they started chatting with me. the guy that helps her asked about my job, and then started talking about his perio, and asking me stuff. and then he mentioned that my new apartment is so nice!!!
im excited :-DDDDDDD
i am grateful to tears that i would be given this.


she said it will be soon. im guessing that means im getting the keys before the weekend- yes! ive started packing up more of the kitchen. that room and the bathroom seem the most ready to be moved:)
theres going to be so many trips. back and forth across that parking lot. food, books, clothes.

living here is almost like a glass house. you really get to know the neighbors, if you let them in. and i think theyre interested in who i show up as. i know they see God, i know the different people that have come into my apartment feel the peace and settled Spirit. i know they feel the invitation.
im exuberant to create even a more comfy space in the new place. the bathroom wont be only accessible through my room. the new kitchen will draw me to cook more- hopefully!
the walls wont be red.
i dont know how i feel about this.
i know how other people feel about it. i think theres a consensual sigh of relief [ i really had to pull out the dictionary to figure out consensual. i am not as smart as ive liked to believe].

i find it warm and inviting. at the same time, i didnt want the living room to be hugely overwhelming, so i had constrained the color scheme. now, a freedom of wall hangings can happen in the new place.
ive always been really fast about decorating. an unease happens with the walls bare.

this time, im not even going to try. those things are going to sit on the floor for a long time. im going to get used to my apt, and find what i like about the walls. the living- and bed- rooms are set up differently, and im going to wait, move the furniture around, and find what i like best before relegating wall space. there was only one way to do anything in this first place.

they didnt unlock the laundry room this morning. guess my laundry's going to wait until after 3 tomorrow.
we're going to that fiesta. i will be babysitting, while trying to create some interaction. not very many families are going, so it might just be non- bible club interaction with the kids.

m. mcg., the lady that lives here and helps me with club, has depression. she is very hard to deal with at times. she'll reprimand me in the weirdest places, and be super concerned about offending people, then she doesnt agree with me when i talk about offending people, or whatever.

another place where i was hoping for older woman guidance and whatnot, and i get some people that i feel im always speaking into and encouraging, and they sit back thinking out loud, "gosh, i wish i wouldve been where you are now when i was your age!"
i am thankful for the ladies, younger and older, that are adults to me and pour into me when its appropriate. and dont tear themselves down all the time in order to build a semblance of me up in their minds. some of them read this blog. thank you.
i still have that weird "acne- causing bacteria" that they said would be gone by now. the most annoying thing it does is travel to my lips sometimes and itches and dries them out horribly.

i hold some pain with that about my body not being perfect. that my husband wont want to touch my face or kiss me when this is going on......moreso that I wont want him to touch me or kiss me. that the shame of it will be too much . shame of not being perfect.

ok. if i keep talking it will get into alot of shame, because im looking at that right now, and this isnt the place for all that unpacking.