i just realized one of the sides of my kitchen countertop facing the table is unfinished. shoddy. oh well.

having my tree sit here, staring at me is so "limbo- ish" - like i cant get out of Christmas. im waiting to recycle it. that happens saturday. woot!
kids club is going to start up.
hopefully grace groups.
will i have a "boyfriend" this year?
romania might happen for a week.
multiple friends have mentioned trips.
shelleys getting married.
so, it kinda feels like i am in limbo. some smallish things, to be sure. some bigger. none to pull my hair out over. [thank God that hasnt happened!] my main thought actually for this year is-- will i follow my Lord?
seems odd to me that this has been the burning thought stringing all these other things together.
last night i lay in bed unable to rest my mind- i was so desirous for a knowing. to know that i can hear Gods voice clearly. to know when hes leading.
not all the things i listed, but some, need preparation. like kids club. it needs weekly preparation. and i did a bad job last year. thats the best truth youll get about that. thankfully God doesnt need us to do good jobs. i fought him so much, i wanted to be the leader. i wanted things to go the way i would like them to. i wanted to be able to give the stories/ lessons with my ways of teaching and relating.
teaching is hard. teaching is solely for the other person. if you try to do it your way, so that its easy for you, it robs the "learners." call me slow, i just have never thought about this. i say i understand kids, and i still think thats true, but i dont completely understand how kids learn.
every week with club, i would dread it, get through it, and be glad i did it. sometimes i would even feel that it went well.
im hoping to be given a joy for teaching. or at least the patience to understand how to teach well.
we're having our first meeting tomorrow night, maybe thats why this is on the forefront of my mind.

my hope for grace groups is there- since i havent heard anything, its kinda dying. im disappointed in the seeming lack of interest in getting things moving.
romania feels far away. no pun intended. i dont know if my presence for just a week could be worth anything. i guess that sounds like im shortchanging God. pray w me in this. should i go?

everything else is kinda fun stuff.
it still takes up brain time.
ive been desiring to be in prayer more, and feeling distant there too. course its always us, never him.

i took everything off my tree today. wish i wanted to move the tree out and clean it all up. i really want to have it done, and start fresh completely tomorrow.
God slows me down sometimes. does he do that for you?
i seriously had nothing i had to do today, until partying. and it feels great. finished truefaced- thanks tim! - and am going to get my own copy. there are things in that book that are good to remember.
our Father prepared and carried my heart some through the reading of this book. places i didnt know i needed words in, places i cant easily explain. just constantly reading truth was healing.
finding that ive been working hard STILL was disconcerting.
finding i have motives based on self- fulfillment hurts.
re-knowing that i can stay vulnerable is priceless.
staying vulnerable is getting tricky.
i know you all love me, and thats been a beautiful place for me to be open and let you in to the ugliest parts of my character and past. and you still love.
im actually running up against being afraid of showing parts of where ive been, and parts of who i am now. theres risk here, and i havent felt it this strongly before. it seems like so much more is at stake. i REALLY dont want to be rejected now.
and i REALLY want to be known more fully.
ambivalence, anyone? i think i have some extra laying around here.

::squeal!!!!::

im kinda seeing someone :-D
theres been no defining words as to what kind of relationship this is exactly, and we've only been talking/ hanging out for about 3 weeks.
he took me on my first real date. [i could be using exclamation marks. choosing to not overwhelm]
[ also, actually typing it out sounds really lame. so its kinda unsure and ---GAH SHUT UP!
ok. im seeing someone! and hes told me im gorgeous, and we like alot of the same stuff and ive felt like , all giddy! and he wants to talk to me every day! he listens, and wants to know how my day went, and is very gentle and sweet and patient and im trying to be myself. i find im erring on the side of normal .
havent flipped out yet or been super spastic. theres a pic of us on fb, on my page from a party. hes trying to put a nose on me. :-D
thats it. just wanted to share my silly joy.

:: Gods been working me through alot of my fears too, but thats another post::