things looked at

as you know[ well, if you read the last blog, that is], im looking at rest and solitude.
i dont like being by myself for long periods of time and i dont like to feel like im being missed.
i was aware that i desperately wanted to be around people all day, and thankfully in Gods mercy[and maybe grace] he gave me people all day. it was nice after the day of solitude i had yesterday.
i dont like solitude. rest, ok. solitude- not so great. it shows me all these things that i have to DO around the house, whereas when im not trying to rest, i can be going and doing outside. i dont mind resting in a house/ apt when theres people around. i can be solitary and quiet and get things done really well when i know someone else is around.
it just had megaphoned to me that i am alone , and couple that w the feeling/ maybe a lie, maybe true
that will really didnt find me important enough to continue risking with or pursue. didnt feel it important to talk out the things that supposedly were the reasons for breaking up.
the beautiful redemptive places are there. and i am truely thankful.
it doesnt cover up the fact that there were also knives straight to my deepest lies and woundings.


ive been going fast and shallow lately. all of this slowed me down and is reminding me that i always need to be aware of my heart, and what i am believing there;what God is saying there.

this season in the singles group at church we're looking at "how to wreck your marriage while still single"- this morning i risked speaking of how i act towards guys. its the truest ugly i know about myself. [will wasnt there.]
ive noticed it with guys, i wonder if it shows up other places.
i am a chameleon. i will become whatever is needed. i will be anything, if only you'll love me.
ive jokingly yet truely spoken that i would be a really great candidate for arranged marriage; i could easily become anyones wife.
this hurts me to think i havent prized who i am enough to fight to show who i really am.
i dont slow down enough to know/show what im feeling most of the time, like in conversation with someone that doesnt already know me.

this morning we looked at selfishness. i see selfishness in my chameleon tendencies, and in other places . selfishness is a hard thing to look at.

thanks yall, for your love.
actually talked things out w will today, and it went great! im so thankful for this friendship. i had time to think about everything that was said by him in the email, and some of it needed to be heard by me. some other things did need to be explained and talked out. it is very good.
i feel taken care of by you all, and also by him in these places we've walked through.

funny how this stirred up right at grace groups, and im really interested in something that came out of all this. something that couldnt have been revealed by myself. its only something that shows up in relationships.
and it got me thinking about all the crappy and great things that happen as we walk out life w one another. we arent meant to be alone. although its good to rest and find solitude:)

but with life, we only learn by interaction and reaction. impressions and marks. taking time to look at someones face, listen to the words, respond, show our face. ask for forgiveness and give mercy and grace . receive. to be small and quiet and be good there, not just ok. to be louder and fight for the hearts we come in contact with.
to look for who someone really is - not just who theyre showing up as in the moment.
to call them out in how theyre showing up, and asking for more.
i like that we have to get messy here. i like that we are clean in Christ. i like[more like love!] that He is ok with messy, because his clean is more.

updates

-will broke it off [im having a hard time saying "broke up" because im sketchy on the "together"-what is dating, exactly?] last night over email. feel free to call him a coward.

-he mentioned things about me that actually are making me think and have opened some new doors of thought....

-....just in time for grace group! started up tonight. Gods gonna take me to some of those good/ hard places, i can feel it.

-asked will for a time to talk things out, since this was out of the blue [for me]. felt like he misunderstood me in a lot of places. talking this weekend. pray that i am heard, and that i can speak truth to him and make him curious about himself. and that i'll be kind to both of us.

-i wanted someone to do my body outline this time. but i dont know who to ask. feeling alone.