things looked at

as you know[ well, if you read the last blog, that is], im looking at rest and solitude.
i dont like being by myself for long periods of time and i dont like to feel like im being missed.
i was aware that i desperately wanted to be around people all day, and thankfully in Gods mercy[and maybe grace] he gave me people all day. it was nice after the day of solitude i had yesterday.
i dont like solitude. rest, ok. solitude- not so great. it shows me all these things that i have to DO around the house, whereas when im not trying to rest, i can be going and doing outside. i dont mind resting in a house/ apt when theres people around. i can be solitary and quiet and get things done really well when i know someone else is around.
it just had megaphoned to me that i am alone , and couple that w the feeling/ maybe a lie, maybe true
that will really didnt find me important enough to continue risking with or pursue. didnt feel it important to talk out the things that supposedly were the reasons for breaking up.
the beautiful redemptive places are there. and i am truely thankful.
it doesnt cover up the fact that there were also knives straight to my deepest lies and woundings.


ive been going fast and shallow lately. all of this slowed me down and is reminding me that i always need to be aware of my heart, and what i am believing there;what God is saying there.

this season in the singles group at church we're looking at "how to wreck your marriage while still single"- this morning i risked speaking of how i act towards guys. its the truest ugly i know about myself. [will wasnt there.]
ive noticed it with guys, i wonder if it shows up other places.
i am a chameleon. i will become whatever is needed. i will be anything, if only you'll love me.
ive jokingly yet truely spoken that i would be a really great candidate for arranged marriage; i could easily become anyones wife.
this hurts me to think i havent prized who i am enough to fight to show who i really am.
i dont slow down enough to know/show what im feeling most of the time, like in conversation with someone that doesnt already know me.

this morning we looked at selfishness. i see selfishness in my chameleon tendencies, and in other places . selfishness is a hard thing to look at.