rest is a funny thing. ive been able to do it a great deal lately. God has been giving me time for rest. he gives it back to me, it seems, since i have purposed to have morning time with him!
ive had less and less words to give people recently. less about myself, less to uphold them with in their pain or join them in their joy. im not sure where my words are going. i havent journaled half as much as i thought i
would for this week, and i havent been here. also, i apparently dont make sense to people ALOT and they ask for clarification.
but its all good. i am not stressing. im just growing i think. i need space and im trying to allow that. i dont want to rush around finding "answers" while missing whatever God wants to say. today as i walked in the park with him, i was saddened to feel i hear fuzzily. my spiritual ears are not used to his voice as much as id like them to be.
tomorrow i ask about guatemala. see if they will let me go in nov for the dental trip, or if someone else could go... i hope we can send one of us.i dont care if its me. id actually rather it not be me. the soon-ness feels busy and stressful. i also need to grab some extra toothpaste for another friends' trip to argentina [? i think] this week. and then i will be preparing to see lindsay!!!! i cant really wrap my head around my actually taking a road trip to see her and zach. funfun.
this morning the "dont worry about tomorrow, for it has enough evil of its own" verse really made sense. with money, and trips, and possibility in my future...i just cant stress. its not worth it. i have today, i have Gods love and provision for today, and i can pour it all out and get more tomorrow.
30 September 2012
19 September 2012
bible study, worry...
im back already! tonight was the beth moore bible study night.- i always come away wanting so much more out of my relationship with God.
i really want to wake in the morning, and have time with him. and i am doing that. i am really wanting it! im kinda sleepy, but i just envision curling up next to him, or in his lap, and we talk about the people that are on my heart or his, and i read some, do the bible study for the day.
ive been memorizing verses with this study-- look, im gonna do the 2 ive learned right now.
but if serving the Lord seems evil to you, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served in the region beyond the river, or the gods of the amorites, in whose land youre now living . but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. joshua [??] forgot. cool though, huh?
and --i will rejioce in the Lord; my soul will exult in my God, for he hs clothed me in the garments of salvation; he has covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress, and as a bride adorns herself with jewels. isaiah 61:10
i am sitting with a bunch of questions. i know that the Lord and his word at the most important kind of learning, and i wonder if he just had me start looking into school to remind me that i need to focus more on searching out him and his word.
i also am aware that i am greatly afraid; i dont want to have to deal with money issues and studying. i thought tonight and started crying. i cant go to school!! i dont have time to study, and ---it kills me to think of taking time away from people that i love on now. i barely have time for the girls in my complex anymore, and what about helping at the childrens shelter?
looking at ministry opportunities and moving toward actually doing them are 2 different things.
it hurts my heart; my parents' words havent had any weight at all in this situation. they havent given advice or insight that has helped at all. i want my God to tell me what to do. my parents. a husband. but God never really works things out the way i see fit. he wants me to wait. it just made my heart sink when the man yesterday told me that id have a long road ahead of me. literally.
what if im supposed to do this? this long road? wont it take away from ministry. eh. its hard for me to think in years.
but then again, what have i been doing all this time in sa? ive definitely wasted time, have mercy . i cried over quite a few things tonight. one of them was, i never seem to finish anything. maybe i have finished my time with a certain ministry, or group, or whatnot. but it always feels like it is somehow unfinished. or that i leave with a weirdness. that maybe something wasnt done right, or talked out, or given a good solid ending point. that i grasp at different ministries, and they never seem to fit. im anxious that ill start into yet another ministry and commit to something, just to phase out within a year or so.
im just letting all the worry come out.
please God dont let all this stop me from doing good, hard things.
so the bible study is wonderful ,and manna is awesome. bread from heaven, just enough for the day, just enough for the person, and by noon, it melted away. had to get up in the morning and get it. some people gathered a little more in their baskets, and some people couldnt quite fill it. yet when it was actually measured, they all had the correct amount- just what they needed.
we need to get our "measure" of daily Jesus every morning. he will allot the perfect amount of grace and ability and sustenance for the day, no more , no less.
i really want to wake in the morning, and have time with him. and i am doing that. i am really wanting it! im kinda sleepy, but i just envision curling up next to him, or in his lap, and we talk about the people that are on my heart or his, and i read some, do the bible study for the day.
ive been memorizing verses with this study-- look, im gonna do the 2 ive learned right now.
but if serving the Lord seems evil to you, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served in the region beyond the river, or the gods of the amorites, in whose land youre now living . but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. joshua [??] forgot. cool though, huh?
and --i will rejioce in the Lord; my soul will exult in my God, for he hs clothed me in the garments of salvation; he has covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress, and as a bride adorns herself with jewels. isaiah 61:10
i am sitting with a bunch of questions. i know that the Lord and his word at the most important kind of learning, and i wonder if he just had me start looking into school to remind me that i need to focus more on searching out him and his word.
i also am aware that i am greatly afraid; i dont want to have to deal with money issues and studying. i thought tonight and started crying. i cant go to school!! i dont have time to study, and ---it kills me to think of taking time away from people that i love on now. i barely have time for the girls in my complex anymore, and what about helping at the childrens shelter?
looking at ministry opportunities and moving toward actually doing them are 2 different things.
it hurts my heart; my parents' words havent had any weight at all in this situation. they havent given advice or insight that has helped at all. i want my God to tell me what to do. my parents. a husband. but God never really works things out the way i see fit. he wants me to wait. it just made my heart sink when the man yesterday told me that id have a long road ahead of me. literally.
what if im supposed to do this? this long road? wont it take away from ministry. eh. its hard for me to think in years.
but then again, what have i been doing all this time in sa? ive definitely wasted time, have mercy . i cried over quite a few things tonight. one of them was, i never seem to finish anything. maybe i have finished my time with a certain ministry, or group, or whatnot. but it always feels like it is somehow unfinished. or that i leave with a weirdness. that maybe something wasnt done right, or talked out, or given a good solid ending point. that i grasp at different ministries, and they never seem to fit. im anxious that ill start into yet another ministry and commit to something, just to phase out within a year or so.
im just letting all the worry come out.
please God dont let all this stop me from doing good, hard things.
so the bible study is wonderful ,and manna is awesome. bread from heaven, just enough for the day, just enough for the person, and by noon, it melted away. had to get up in the morning and get it. some people gathered a little more in their baskets, and some people couldnt quite fill it. yet when it was actually measured, they all had the correct amount- just what they needed.
we need to get our "measure" of daily Jesus every morning. he will allot the perfect amount of grace and ability and sustenance for the day, no more , no less.
14 September 2012
post soon, maybe tomorrow, if i feel like it.
this was a little later. its the 19th or something. im not entirely sure what i was going to talk about the other day. im getting rid of things...a friend's yard sale will hopefully see to that.
had a wonderful tea party the other night with some dear friends and a new friend that is quickly becoming dear.
i get worried sometimes before parties, if the people coming really want to come, if they really like me. its weird. these kind of thoughts stop me from calling up friends to just chat.
im wanting to give that to God and --please change my mind.
tonight was the orientation/ info meeting for the masters program at utsa for social work.
i tried to stay calm while rushing home[but not to rush], shower, eat, put something on that i feel great in[because i always have to look great when im doing something i dont know how to do, or what will be required of me- makes some of the fear go away. hah. maybe thats why we dress up at our weddings], and took off at 4 50 even though the meeting was at 6. i didnt want to be late just because i didnt know where to park, and i wanted to beat the 5 o clock traffic. which i pretty muchly managed to do.
parked at the farmers market building [ free on tues after 5!], and went to m itierra and got some coffee. sat outside and read while waiting for the minutes to tick.
sat in that room 15 min early, trying to push down the worrying thoughts of, " maybe they cancelled..", "what if the person doesnt show up?", and the general "what am i doing here?!"
we had a great little one-on- one.
it felt a little weird and was great. he tailored what he was telling to my situation.
so i cant get into utsa's program, because they dont have a bachelors in social work yet, just a masters. the 3 places i could go for a bachelors are ut austin, lady of the lake, and texas state.
none are ideal to me; it didnt sound like there are any online bachelor programs.
the good thing about utsa is that their program caters to working students right now. so only night and weekend classes. the bachelors degrees arent so- at least he made them sound like full time student things.
i left more excited than ive been, and more frustrated.it feels like so much work. and i still dont know if this is what God is actually putting in front of me, or if theres another strain. so im sitting, praying, trying to not think ahead and figure out things that arent even happening.
definitely stretching my ability to rest.
this was a little later. its the 19th or something. im not entirely sure what i was going to talk about the other day. im getting rid of things...a friend's yard sale will hopefully see to that.
had a wonderful tea party the other night with some dear friends and a new friend that is quickly becoming dear.
i get worried sometimes before parties, if the people coming really want to come, if they really like me. its weird. these kind of thoughts stop me from calling up friends to just chat.
im wanting to give that to God and --please change my mind.
tonight was the orientation/ info meeting for the masters program at utsa for social work.
i tried to stay calm while rushing home[but not to rush], shower, eat, put something on that i feel great in[because i always have to look great when im doing something i dont know how to do, or what will be required of me- makes some of the fear go away. hah. maybe thats why we dress up at our weddings], and took off at 4 50 even though the meeting was at 6. i didnt want to be late just because i didnt know where to park, and i wanted to beat the 5 o clock traffic. which i pretty muchly managed to do.
parked at the farmers market building [ free on tues after 5!], and went to m itierra and got some coffee. sat outside and read while waiting for the minutes to tick.
sat in that room 15 min early, trying to push down the worrying thoughts of, " maybe they cancelled..", "what if the person doesnt show up?", and the general "what am i doing here?!"
we had a great little one-on- one.
it felt a little weird and was great. he tailored what he was telling to my situation.
so i cant get into utsa's program, because they dont have a bachelors in social work yet, just a masters. the 3 places i could go for a bachelors are ut austin, lady of the lake, and texas state.
none are ideal to me; it didnt sound like there are any online bachelor programs.
the good thing about utsa is that their program caters to working students right now. so only night and weekend classes. the bachelors degrees arent so- at least he made them sound like full time student things.
i left more excited than ive been, and more frustrated.it feels like so much work. and i still dont know if this is what God is actually putting in front of me, or if theres another strain. so im sitting, praying, trying to not think ahead and figure out things that arent even happening.
definitely stretching my ability to rest.
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