oh! yea. its um, the next year already! ::oops::

love it. i love that i have just been doin life and didnt give more than 5 thoughts to blogging. i just think thats neat
and just like that, with a new year, disciplines are falling into place.[ and just like that i somehow deleted about 3 lines that were typed after that. i guess its meant to be rephrased.]
im falling into joy with spending time with God. it doesnt look like much, but i want it all the time. not just some days.
and, ive been giving myself and others a break! being grateful IS such a great way to cultivate joy and love towards people! who woulda thought...oh yea, lots of people. well, it just takes me a while. [YOUVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! I DID IT AGAIN! I HAD LIKE, 2 PARAS GOING]
 maybe i need to strap my pinkie to the ring finger. i think its hitting the tab button, along with some string of other buttons. anyway. i am thankful for this apt, and what it has meant, and how i have grown here. oh. to be able to record all the thoughts that were thought here, all the tears, all the expectancy.
there has been alot of difficulty in this apt. way more tears than laughter.
ive danced less, and painted less than i wanted. but i have known more of God than ever. ive been afraid more, and stepped out more. ive been humbled more/ quieted more. gotten rid of more stuff.  this is not at all what i had written previously and then deleted, btw. pretty cool. i wasnt even thinking in this strain before.

theres more that i could say, but it feels cheapened to type.
tomorrow im going to a continuing education course. its actually tomorrow and saturday. i kinda like going to these, even though while im there i could shoot something.  i like going sleepy and in regular clothes [guys, i think i really do like being awake in the morning. but on my own terms. not for work.], and i kinda like how it makes me feel important. i dont know how a CE class accomplishes this. but i do. it feels adult-y.

::which btw i will be an OFFICIAL adult in april!! so excited. everyone subconsiously hands you a "legit adult certificate" in their mind when you tell them youre 30. theres respect::

one other thought, maybe 2. it depends.
some of my closer, older[as in we've known each other for a while] friends have recently unveiled their anticipation of my getting married. theyre ready for it to happen, it seems, just as much as [or more than!] me. it feels good to know people want good things for you, and are hoping and praying with you.
ok, yea, 2 things. the following is the 2nd.
ive been doing a friendship study with the people at the "mo"singles ministry, and am blown away by how much of a friend i am NOT. i wasnt expecting that. i had myself on a pretty good pedestal. i thought i understood friendship. and i do, to an extent. its just, i was placing friendship with God as if he were one of us. our friendship with him cannot be mutual- he is so much more and so much perfect. we are friends of God, hes called us friend, as the bible says, but its so crazy! thats why his love is so astounding. theres no way we can or should be able to be his friend. and hes figured this whole thing out where we can be close.  its crazy intense and misunderstood and being learned [by me].
other news
eating more protein in the morning as a hope to more healthful living. the moment i tried to cut out more sugar is when i wanted it more. so i figured at least taking my sugary cereal out in the morning was a good start. i havent felt different though.
am learning to love my cats again after an intense time of hatred and wanting to get rid of them. i am still not opposed to getting rid of them.
im letting the orange one outside daily. he likes chewing on grass and staring at free, out door air. its way better than hearing him meow for no reason at all for HOURS. i think he has a brain problem, one that i potentially brought on.  not really.    maybe.
stretching WAY more than ever in my life- which equates to doing it about once a day for a few minutes, i think. my neck and arms get stretched the most. its what hurts the most. but im finally stretching!
i put some type of make up on every day now for work. i didnt used to be her. but shes ok.
kava kava tea is supposed to help you get sleepy...it doesnt feel like its working. but i am going to stop blathering and take the next phase of wind down.
enjoy tour friday the 18th of jan '13! its the only one you'll get! ::i'll be the one indoors all day, slowly becoming transparent from lack of sun, and nervous from ample coffee::

the lights twinkle, and i dont have that same glow inside, like usual.
many people i have spoken with over the course of this month have agreed- the Christmas "mood" or "spirit" doesnt feel the same, or isnt with them.
yea....
there are alot of thoughts happening, and im hopeful to get them all out cohesively.

i dont want to be happy just for the season, but i do want to feel the joy from my Lord. i have been upset about a  few things, and some have to do with Him. i had joy today, and some yesterday...i allow the circumstances to wreck that. just tonight, i came home tired, but it was ok. then i realized i had double scheduled something in january. argh!!  i get som upset with myself. how hard is it to follow a calendar, and tell people you'll get back to them..? apparently, pretty difficult.
whenever i screw up i tell myself thats why i dont have any kids.
its a stupid excuse. its not true. i will screw up when i have children :)
it feels like the more i try for rest and order in my life, the harder and more hectic it becomes. i just want to give up. going out of town for Christmas to corpus, and then for a day trip basically in the valley to see my grandmother, is stressing me out. i just feel  tired all the time. i know that allowing my circumstances to dictate my feelings is not right. and i also know that God loves me too much to not let this sink into my being. it looks like i will  be dealing with this struggle for a bit then.  bring on the hard stuff. lets go ahead and get through it. help me rest in you. i am tired. all this makes me mad. i dont know why living with you is so hard. this  life as a christian would be easy, if it was just suffer outwardly. i could handle that pretty well. but this inward stuff. it takes time and thoughtfulness. and rest and trust. somehow thats gotten hard for me to do lately.

a tear in the veil

a tear- like, something being torn.
ok.
there has been darkness covering me. and today it feels a bit torn. and light is coming through. ive wondered if i have depression...when i think about these past couple weeks, and the other times it has been like this, i think im more apt to believe there is spiritual fighting happening.
strange to think that my sadness in longing for marriage, and for purpose in my life so my passions can find an outlet, are attacks from evil. and really, they in themselves arent.
but they are being used. maliciously.
last night i broke out of keeping it together and cried in front of some friends. let them know how much my soul and heart have been grieving.
this morning at work i lost it and couldnt stop crying; i was trying to hide it and just review charts. a co worker had said something biting, out of her own stress and pain a bit before, and it just broke the dam. another co worker asked me how my weekend was, and my voice was all husky- i knew i wouldnt be able to just cover it up. so i cried and told her i thought maybe i was being spiritually attacked, since ive been waiting on God for real and liking it, and growing...this morning i read something that reminded me to not think it strange when there are attacks in our minds.
another co worker came in and prayed over me. today was good, got through. was able to rejoice in the sweet care of God. i keep bringing myself to speak of gratefulness. evils just trying to distract me and remove this peace that im cultivating! and its not going to win! i ask the Lord to fight for me. and remind me. i plead and groan for joy to be present in my life. those of you that know me more deeply, know the joy is there...but when co workers tell you they like you better on energy drinks, cuz youre more fun/ happier? something is wrong. [ i drank an all natural energy drink -vemma- at work one day and was so full of energy and silliness.i also couldnt go to sleep that night well.]
and i offiically love florence+the machine
back to the title......
i love that God ripped through the separation  and darkness that was between the perfect relationship that awaited us, and us.
i love that he ripped through this darkness today, and yesterday, and the other days, with his tender words.
he doesnt show up the way i want and he doesnt make it easy. but he does it right. and he does it perfectly.