all of my thoughts so far this weekend.

tis funny, lots of people have been mentioning home.

im in corpus, where my family lives, and i am struck by how it doesnt feel like home anymore.

i was talking about a certain store, and my mom was like, what?

i repiled, yea, its on bandera! [after she had already wondered if i was indeed talking about a place in cc]

i had to ask my fam again and again how to get to certain destinations here. im forgetting the street names, and not just automatically able to drive "with my eyes closed"

this is a weird sensation- losing automatic reflexes.

it makes me kinda sad.

my parents house still feels like home, and the beach. i totally relax here. makes me wonder why im tense in sa-town.

what makes me tense....? im hoping moving will help me relax. theres an element of living w/ r that tenses me, i think. stress of work, and thinking about moving.

also, starting my budget and feeling more adult makes me stressed.

theres an element of having the shattered part of my dream where id be married and doing adult things with my husband that makes me stressed. nuf about That man. no more talk about him this post. ::maybe::

i was struck with a thought today, leaving me a little bruised and bewildered.

i do things only half- assed. which is kinda weird, considering i FEEL like i am all out to alot of people. even fooling myself.

i have dreams id like to live in. one being, creating more- allowing more of my art out of me.

ill get on some kind of artsy wagon for a while, and then fall off. and not get back on. i did this with wire. right when alot of wire art started coming out, i saw some, and totally was making stuff. it was okay. wire art is time consuming. and my family was very vocal about how good it was and that i could maybe sell it. i stopped. one, i think i didnt want to start having to do it for money. it wouldve felt that way to me. another, more sinister whisper crops up, though, that im presently acknowledging. i didnt like being praised.

:(

i still dont. i had a shame cow of anger and helplessness when shelley had hung my painting on the living room wall while i was away in rom.

i have to get just an overwhelming unbearable-ness for me to even step into a process of creating. "heather, love yourself and worship! take time to rest in bringing out life!"

[thank you, HS]

"no problem, thats one reason i hang around. we both deserve your life abundant. you, to not be all constipated, and Me, to get glory."

[oh. yea.]

im stuck by my circumstances. im blaming most of my problems on r.which is horrible. when i got into a painting mode last time, she got in one too. since im going to be doing bible clubs with kids at my new apt, it seems like she is wanting that too now- she told me the place shes moving to, when she went there, has alot of kids and she felt God was showing her that she should be there for them. she even mentioned doing a bible club. that made me mad.

so, it makes me mad. i start something for myself, and someone else always comes along and seems to do it better, or get excited about a similar thing for themselves, and i suddenly become disinterested.

this is so shitty! i love children and im excited about moving, but ive allowed the joy of it to be ripped away by someones words and plans.

i hate comparing myself. i hate comparing myself to myself. a friend sent a possible internship opportunity my way- an AWESOME one. and it breaks my heart that i cant do it. it makes me feel little, and less, that im not "doing " something "huge." i still toy with the idea, almost daily, of quitting and selling alot of my stuff and working out something with volvo, and going to nevada. for 3 months. and God gently reminds me that hes got me on a budget, and that weve been talking and walking through being dependable and practical[ aka "boring" in my mind]

i still wonder if ive missed something. is this what youve sung over me? i dont quite get the tempo, and you know how good i am at harmonizing....

uh, i am going to bring up "guy stuff" again. sorry. and this is the last thing on my mind, theres nothing more after this- i think. im fighting placing qualifying statements before and after. and i dont care if qualifying is the right word or not, and im sorry if youre getting hung up on that and dont quite understand what i mean by that statement because of it. get over it.

i have felt more and more unworthy and inadequate than ever before. it just keeps growing. i dont feel like im good enough to be the wife of someone wonderful. people always make comments about my standards being really high and i ll be the first to agree. when ive been faced with wonderful men, i immediately take myself out of the line up. they have so many other amazing women to pick from.